Damaged goods

There are a lot of good shows that air on Monday night. The 10 p.m. time slot is jammed packed so it's a freaking juggling act that has me up well past 3 a.m. to catch shows on second run. And I'm getting sloppy with my recording skills. I set my recorder to only tape 4 minutes of "24," so I'll have to watch that online. But I guarantee you it wasn't as good as ...

"Damages" (FX, 10:00): Since I didn't get a chance to blog about last week's episode, let me bring you up to speed:

Patty Hewes, played by Glenn Close (above), has been appointed by the government to recover billions of dollars in stolen assets from the largest investment fraud in U.S. history. Pause it: Think Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme times 5. Patty's former protege/victim Ellen is now working for the District Attorney's office, but she and Patty are still working the same case. The common goal is to bring down the Madoffs ... er, Tobin family and recoup the money for thousands of families.

We already know that Patty's recently appointed partner Tom Shayes is this season's mystery death. It's the who and the why that they haven't revealed yet. We also know the he was a victim of Tobin's Ponzi scheme and that his family lost everything. Tom is still in touch with Ellen, but it's not clear if they are romantically involved. I tend to think not. Tom doesn't seem like the type.

The other mystery is who was behind the wheel of the car that crashed into Patty. This show goes back and forth in time so much that I can hardly tell when we're six months later or in the present. The car is registered to Tom, but I don't really care who was driving it. It was just great to see Patty shaken for once.

I'm loving how they are using a current event as the basis of this season's plot. Most ripped-from-the-headlines shows are poorly done *cough "Law & Order" cough*, but "Damages" has turned Ponzi into a psychological thriller. Who's loving this season? Who's on your short list for Tom's murder?

Great line I heard on "Damages": "You're only as happy as your saddest child." Think on that.


CHANNEL SURFING

• "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): I was happy to see that Joe is still dating Dori. They make a cute couple. I had to laugh at Owen sneaking into the kitchen to eat in the middle of the night because I eat like that too. At least he can blame his sweet tooth on being a diabetic. Mine? I just like to eat.
• On "Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00), one of the subjects was a Houston firefighter. He should have just burned his own house down and started over. And I understand the brotherhood of firemen, so seeing them all willing to help clean was touching, but if I were in that situation I would definitely NOT have my coworkers helping me clean out my place. "Resa, why are you hanging on to this size 8 when you know you're a ..." The horror!!!
• WOW!!! Ryan, played by Jonathan Togo, on "CSI: Miami" (CBS, 10:00) has packed on a few pounds. He looks like he's entering his second trimester.
• "Fantasia for Real" (VH1, 10:00) I don't know who's more useless: Teeny for having no motivation to find a real job, or Fantasia for enabling him to have no motivation to find a job.

They come in pieces ... always

I'm a day late and a dollar short, but I just got a chance to watch Monday's episode of the CSI Trilogy. Add that with the mystery of "V" and I had myself one heck of a night.

"CSI: Miami - Trilogy Part I" (CBS, 10:00): There are so many moving parts to this story, I wish that CBS would've just made a little movie or put all the shows on one night. On the other hand, I guess I could've just saved all the episodes and watched them on the same night. Shruggsies.

When the severed arm of one girl and the leg of another turns up in the Everglades, one of the body parts traces back to a missing girl from Las Vegas. Enter Ray Langston from the Vegas Crime Lab. It's obvious from their video phone conference that Miami has some serious equipment in their lab - holograms, tabletop computer screens ... Are you telling me Langston had to fly all the way to Florida to tell them they should be looking for a butcher? When Langston arrives, he's treated like a rock star. Pause it: That must have been a really good book he wrote.

The body parts start piling up when the CSIs find a foot. After realizing they may have closed two cases, there's still another one open. Time to make that trip to the Big Apple. Rewind: This plot reminded me of a real-life story where feet started washing up on the shores of Vancouver, British Columbia. At least they were wearing shoes. And how cool was it that Horatio gave a shout out to fallen CSI Warrick Brown. Very nice touch to remind us that the Vegas lab is still mourning their friend.

"V" (ABC, 8:00): I'm not one who really gets into shows about aliens, and I can't explain why I have allowed this one to get to me. I was actually scared watching the opening of this episode. It's not the fear of aliens, but the fear of not being able to trust anyone. The show was driving up my blood pressure.

It's anyone's guess who's a V and who's not. I totally missed the big reveal last week when my tall drink of hot chocolate, Morris Chestnut as Ryan, turned out to be a V. He's a good V, though, having fallen in love with a human and working to stop his alien brothers. I'm going out on a limb and guessing that the high priest (the older guy) is a V. He's much to sympathetic to their plight, even for a man of the cloth. I also think most of the FBI are Vs, too. See how I'm freaking out? They said don't trust anyone, and I don't. My buddy Michael pointed out that their hidden skin looks like cavier. It looks disgusting.

Tyler is one day into his job as a V ambassador and he's already dismissed for fighting. They come in peace, always ... remember? Pause it: Tyler is to this show what Kim Bauer was to "24": an annoying nuisance. Drop this storyline quickly please! I had better not see Tyler going on the run with a kidnapped child and fighting off mountain lions.

Does this show freak you out as much as it does me? Who else do you think is part of the Vs?

Mundane Monday

Not much on in terms of quality television tonight so take you pick on this buffet.

"I Want to Work For Diddy 2" (VH1, 10:00): Like all VH1 shows, Diddy isn't happy with his picks from last season so they give him a second chance. Pause it: Will we be getting a dose of reality game shows with previous candidates vying for cash prizes? I'm part of the 5% of the population who actually admires Sean "Diddy" Combs. The story of how he went from a street promoter to a multi-million dollar mogul should be an inspiration to anyone who's ever dreamed big. That being said, he's still a cocky, mouth-breather.

In the season opener he makes the assistants spend their first night camped out on the roof of a parking garage. Then he breaks out his acting skills, giving interviews that are harsh, rude and emotional, to see how the candidates would react. One of the interview questions was to state in 30 seconds why Diddy should hire them. Pageant queen Noelle's answer: "Everybody loves an Asian girl." Pause it: No, sweetie they don't. Just ask Kim Jong Il. Oh ... wait.

The assistants are divided into two teams - Uptown and Downtown. For their first task they each must go onto the streets of New York and collect video of people speaking in foreign languages promoting Diddy's new album. Turn that down: I hope that 'Last Train to Paris' is leaving soon cause he's been touting this album for a while now. Underdogs Downtown gather the most number of languages and take the first win. Losing team Uptown picks Noelle and team leader Ivory to go up for elimination. Ivory is going to be one of many women playing the "angry black woman" role this season. She's like an aggressive pit bull - a loud bark and a lot of bite. Noelle is given the boot and can't work for Diddy. I guess not everyone loves an Asian girl.

CHANNEL SURFING

What was up with "CSI: Miami" (CBS, 10:00) stealing the plot from box office hit "The Hangover"? The CSIs had to recreate a night of botched bachelor party in order to find the missing groom. The only thing missing was Mike Tyson and a baby. "Miami" is my least favorite of the "CSI" franchise because I can't stand David Caruso in his portrayal of Horatio Caine. I think Caruso thinks that viewers love his one-liner-with-sunglass-removal schtick. Sorry to tell you, buddy: You're not in on the joke, you are the joke. (Insert one liner here).

Gosselins, Gosselins go away. Your 15 is up so take your pay.

It was the same statement, different interviewer on "Kate: Her Story" (TLC, 9:00). She's becoming a really good cryer, but she needs a dictionary and a speech writer for all the words she makes up. I thought Jon was the inarticulate one. TLC is doing their best to bleed this turnip. Next week we get an hour of viewers favorite moments. I'm sure I can name them all, as we've seen this "special" twice already. Move on, Gosselins. Move on.

Lightening round

"Lincoln Heights" (ABC Family, Mon., 8:00): The acting on this show is getting worse by the week. The way Cassie says the name "Charles" every 5 minutes is like nails on a chalkboard. And I have not seen a family in such peril on a weekly basis since the Kennedys. C'mon Suttons! You've survived an earthquake, 2 attacks on the kids, a near charge for murder and dad getting shot. All that's missing is a bout with swine flu and we've got ourselves a season. We're only 3 episodes in and I feel like I need a bullet-proof vest and a haz-mat suit while I'm watching. Keep it up or I'm trading you in for reruns on TNT.

"Gossip Girl" (CW, Mon., 9:00): Am I the only one grossed out by the fact that Dan and Serena now share a brother? I know they aren't related (there's a lot of baby mama/daddy drama in there), but it does make their past relationship seem somewhat incestuous. The kids (and I use that term loosely) on this show are supposedly one semester out of high school, so why does it feel like they all sit around drinking cognac and puffing on expensive cigars? Pause it: The dress Serena wore to the Sotheby auction isn't something you typically see without a street corner and a slow-moving car in the background. Blair and Chuck have the most dysfunctional relationship this side of Jon and Kate. For two people who exude such confidence, they really lack self-esteem.

Commercial break: Whoever told Zooey Deschanel she could sing must have been headless. She completely murders one of my favorite commercial jingles: the cotton theme song.

"CSI: Miami" (CBS, Mon., 10:00): Sharif Atkins, aka Dr. Gallant from "ER", turns up as deranged shooter Ted who takes the crime lab under siege. I had a really hard time believing Atkins in this role, as he was such a gentle guy on "ER". But it's nice to see him stretch his acting chops. Thank you, Heavenly Host, for sparing us one of Horatio's opening lines tonight. I never watched "NYPD Blue", but I can't imagine David Caruso being anything other than the dry line deliverer that he is on this show. We were barely 20 minutes in before Jessie Cardoza, played by hottie Eddie Cibrian, had his shirt off. We should keep a counter of how many times he goes shirtless this season. I'm always amazed at the things I learn on the "CSI:" franchises. It's a wonder we aren't all professional counterfeiters.

No "Jon & Kate Plus 8" tonight. I don't watch when it's Kate's week. Or Jon's for that matter. It's minus Resa on this one.