New beginnings

Everybody wants a second chance, but does everybody really deserve one? That was definitely the running theme among the shows I watched tonight. From re-launching a career to dating after divorce to decluttering a filthy house, everyone was searching for a new beginning. But not everyone got their happy ending. Here's a rundown:

"Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): It's been a long time since a show made me laugh so hard that I cried, but that's exactly what happened while watching this show.

Now don't be alarmed when I say this, but I have never seen an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" so I wasn't really sure what to expect when I latched on to this show. But Ray Romano's comedic timing and subtle humor makes this a show that will leave feeling entertained. In this episode, Romano's character Joe recounts to his buddies the ups and downs of his first date in 20 years.

Terry, the man-whore of the group, sets Joe up with his friend Dori. It was so funny listening to him tell the story as we got to see how each moment played out. We've all been there before with the clunky first encounter and the stress of picking the right outfit. But to hear this teen-aged conversation between three middle-aged men was priceless. Pause it: Who else winced during Joe and Dori's awkward instant message exchange? C'mon, Joe! Everybody knows it's all about the fantasy.

Joe's nervous energy was so endearing, especially when he forgets Terry's advice and opts for "weird honesty". Instead of lying, Joe decided to tell the truth, no matter how bizarre it would make him look. Forget LOL, I was literally doubled over guffawing during their bungled make-out session. I can't do this episode any justice trying to explain it in my blog and I won't ruin the ending. You gotta see it for yourself online or watch it via On Demand. It's definitely worth a second date!

Some funnies:

• Joe to Terry while shopping for condoms: "How do I know if it's my size?" Terry: "See if they have a fitting room."
• Joe, explaining to Dori his escape plan if the date was going south: "I was going to start a fire in the bathroom and wait for the sprinklers to go off."
• Owen, getting frustrated by the length of the story: "Did you get the black eye by falling asleep and banging your head on the table because the story took too long?"
• Terry: "Joe, I told you not to think!" Joe replies, "I was trying not to."

Question: Do you have an "out" for a bad first date? I can't tell you mine on here, but I'd love to hear about your escape route from a crappy date.

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): Sometimes you have to wonder why people agree to be on a show like this. Or better yet, why producers agree to tell certain stories when it's obvious these people need more that just a cleaning crew. Linda, a 56-year-old from Virginia, says her house is very cluttered. Pause it: That's your first mistake, honey - not recognizing the filth. Clutter is a stack of papers on the dining room table. You've got piles of rotting food and clothes on yours.

Carrie and Jared, Linda's kids are on the verge of severing all ties with their mother because they feel like they're the ones doing the parenting by constantly having to tell her what to do. "If she wants a new life she's gotta get rid of the old," Carrie says. The tension is thick between mother and daughter, and they spend more time arguing than they do cleaning. Even the professional cleaner acknowledges that the family needs therapy before they can tackle a job like Linda's. They wasted 2 days cleaning out her garage only to have her go through all the trash and take most of it back inside the house.

Rewind: The cleaning guy introduced himself as an "extreme cleaning expert". I would argue that being an extreme cleaner would lump you into a category as someone who suffers from an obsessive compulsive disorder of their own. Am I right or am I right people? And I learned about a new disease tonight: chronic disorganization. The guy who sits next to me at work has that same illness. Sorry, Rob. I gotta call it like I see it.

"Fantasia For Real" (VH1, 10:00): Per usual, a recording artist on the verge of releasing a new album decides to do a reality TV show. This time it's "American Idol" Season 3 winner Fantasia Barrino. Pause it: Whatever happened to good old promotional tours and public appearances? Fanny's last album was a flop compared to her 2004 debut Free Yourself, and given her recent financial problems, she's going to need a hit record post-haste.

I'm assuming the show is supposed to show us how Fantasia battles back from the brink of financial ruin, but all it really does is shift the blame to her mooching family. She's supporting six people on one income but the fact that she's without money is her fault, not theirs. As someone who comes from a large family and been used as an ATM a time or two, I know how hard it is to say 'no' to a sibling in need. But if I can't pay my own bills because I'm too busy helping someone else, that's on me. Fantasia needs to get a backbone, especially when it comes to her freeloading brother Joe, aka Teeny. This dude has such a sense of entitlement that he has the nerve to spend the day shopping for Ferraris instead of getting off his ass and looking for a job. I see him landing in the same place that I've relegated Jermaine Jackson: my s#&! list.

"Fantasia" isn't nearly as raw as Keyshia Cole's BET hit "The Way It Is", but you can't deny the girl's got talent. I'll stick around if only to get a preview of her new album, but I'll have the volume at about a 5. Her speaking voice is like listening to those Budweiser frogs: cute at first but gets old after the third time. Oh, and lose the extreme close-ups. If they zoom in any closer you could see Tasia's tonsils.

CHANNEL SURFING
Once again I fell asleep before the ending of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (ABC Family, 8:00), but all they do is talk about sex and babies. This show makes it seem like sex is the only thing that teenagers are struggling with today. What about drug use or dealing with school bullies or cheating on tests? It can't all be about sex can it?

"Make It or Break It" (ABC Family, 9:00): Are the writers going to tag team Emily's love interests every other season? At first she was falling for Razor (awful nickname) then he left town and she fell for Damon. But wait! Damon's in a band so he has to move to L.A. so Emily is catchin' feelings for Razor again. Looks like the writing team is running short on ideas.

Teen drama queens

I can't wait until my "grown-up" shows come back. Then I won't feel like such an idiot for getting caught up in these teen-aged stories.

"Make It or Break It" (ABC Family, 9:00): If you missed this show last summer, now is your chance to get in on this guilty pleasure. The story follows a Colorado gym that trains national champions and it's "Mean Girls" meets "Bring It On". Lauren, pictured far left, is the team bitch, Emily is the underdog with the rough upbringing. Payson is the star of the girl's team and Kaylie, right, is the cute one who doesn't know her own potential.

Last season, Lauren lost her virginity to Kaylie's boyfriend Carter, another star gymnast at The Rock. The girls have been best friends since kindergarten so that made the betrayal that much worse. Newcomer Emily broke all the rules to try to make a name for herself and earned the respect of her teammates in the process. Payson made her whole life about gymnastics, but when a back injury threatened to take her out of competition she turned to using cortisone injections. Pause it: On this show, using cortisone is like snorting cocaine. Payson fought off the injury for awhile, but broke her back after falling off the uneven bars at nationals. Her pain was Kaylie's gain as she shocked everyone by taking first place at nationals. Now she's got a manager and long list of gymnasts who want to take her number one spot.

This season kicks off with Kaylie adjusting to her new-found fame. She's got a key to the city and a day named in her honor, but it doesn't ease her guilt about taking Payson's spot. "It's a great day, huh?" she asks Nicky, the top male gymnast and Payson's cortisone dealer. "Says Kaylie Cruz on Kaylie Cruz Day," he replies. Both Kaylie and Payson are putting on brave faces, but neither one of them want to admit they are in a world of denial. Once Payson finally lets it sink in that she'll never compete again, she encourages Kaylie to make no apologies for being a winner. And with that, the countdown begins to see how fast Kaylie will cave under the pressure.

I know this show sounds a little juvenile and I really can't explain it's draw, but it's one of those shows that just sucks you in. At least the acting is better than it was in the earlier episodes. It's worth checking out and I won't tell if you decide to stick around! What happens at Watch Party stays at Watch Party.

"The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (ABC Family, 10:00): Now this is a show I'm not afraid to admit I'm addicted to ... well, used to be addicted to. If this episode is any indication of what the rest of the season will be like then we're in for a bumpy ride.

When the show premiered two seasons ago, it was a fictional version of MTV's "Teen Mom". Amy Juergens, played to perfection by Shailene Woodley, is a high school student who gets pregnant by the school's resident bad ass while they were away at band camp. (Insert "American Pie" joke here). She gives birth to a baby boy and we get to watch her navigate the fine line between being a teenager and motherhood.

It's obvious that since Amy has given birth, the writers are having a hard time trying to come up with other secrets that teenagers have. The show talks mostly about teen sex and I have to say that they made me blush during their conversation about oral sex. I won't go into detail for fear that I'll turn into a pillar of salt. I'm hoping the show gets back to it's roots of teen angst and Amy's struggles of being a teen mom. That is where "The Secret Life" really shines.

Rewind: Yes, that was Mayim Bialik from 90's sitcom "Blossom" playing the school counselor ... Is anyone else annoyed with the way Amy's sister Ashley talks - in that monotone, emotionless voice? I'm on the verge of giving her a cortisone shot just to loosen up her vocal cords ... Note to writers: Please stop trying to find ways to get every teen on the show into one scene. I know that they're all friends and classmates, but kids don't travel in packs of 12 unless they are all wearing the same uniform.

CHANNEL SURFING
"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00) gave me what I asked for and got back to the filth this week. But for once I wasn't taken in by the disastrous houses or the hoarders. It was the kids that tugged on my heartstrings. You know a kid's got therapy in their future when they are more heartbroken to see the cleaners and organizers leave than they are excited about having a sterile bedroom. Poor Sam was a ball of tears when he realized the crew was almost done. All I could think was "I hope they come back to visit him so he'll have a friend." *Single tear falling*

I watched about 42 seconds of "The Bachelor" (ABC, 8:00) and that was all I needed to know I won't be tuning in this season. I may drop in from time to time, but I can't promise you a rose every week.

It was Ebony who walked away with the job on "I Want to Work for Diddy" (VH1, 10:00). I was really hoping Daniel would get the position as Sean Combs's assistant but alas, it was sour grapes for the young wine steward. Both he and Ebony gave very passionate pleas for the job and I plan to use some of their speeches the next time I'm called upon to give a motivational talk. Best line went something like this: "I'm hungry for this job but when I'm full, I'll be done with you and we can part ways." Doesn't it make you want to go out and get hired just so you can quit?

You had better still be watching "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00). I still think there are a few too many cuss words, but they sure know when and how to use them.

Lightening round

"Lincoln Heights" (ABC Family, Mon., 8:00): The acting on this show is getting worse by the week. The way Cassie says the name "Charles" every 5 minutes is like nails on a chalkboard. And I have not seen a family in such peril on a weekly basis since the Kennedys. C'mon Suttons! You've survived an earthquake, 2 attacks on the kids, a near charge for murder and dad getting shot. All that's missing is a bout with swine flu and we've got ourselves a season. We're only 3 episodes in and I feel like I need a bullet-proof vest and a haz-mat suit while I'm watching. Keep it up or I'm trading you in for reruns on TNT.

"Gossip Girl" (CW, Mon., 9:00): Am I the only one grossed out by the fact that Dan and Serena now share a brother? I know they aren't related (there's a lot of baby mama/daddy drama in there), but it does make their past relationship seem somewhat incestuous. The kids (and I use that term loosely) on this show are supposedly one semester out of high school, so why does it feel like they all sit around drinking cognac and puffing on expensive cigars? Pause it: The dress Serena wore to the Sotheby auction isn't something you typically see without a street corner and a slow-moving car in the background. Blair and Chuck have the most dysfunctional relationship this side of Jon and Kate. For two people who exude such confidence, they really lack self-esteem.

Commercial break: Whoever told Zooey Deschanel she could sing must have been headless. She completely murders one of my favorite commercial jingles: the cotton theme song.

"CSI: Miami" (CBS, Mon., 10:00): Sharif Atkins, aka Dr. Gallant from "ER", turns up as deranged shooter Ted who takes the crime lab under siege. I had a really hard time believing Atkins in this role, as he was such a gentle guy on "ER". But it's nice to see him stretch his acting chops. Thank you, Heavenly Host, for sparing us one of Horatio's opening lines tonight. I never watched "NYPD Blue", but I can't imagine David Caruso being anything other than the dry line deliverer that he is on this show. We were barely 20 minutes in before Jessie Cardoza, played by hottie Eddie Cibrian, had his shirt off. We should keep a counter of how many times he goes shirtless this season. I'm always amazed at the things I learn on the "CSI:" franchises. It's a wonder we aren't all professional counterfeiters.

No "Jon & Kate Plus 8" tonight. I don't watch when it's Kate's week. Or Jon's for that matter. It's minus Resa on this one.