Damaged goods

There are a lot of good shows that air on Monday night. The 10 p.m. time slot is jammed packed so it's a freaking juggling act that has me up well past 3 a.m. to catch shows on second run. And I'm getting sloppy with my recording skills. I set my recorder to only tape 4 minutes of "24," so I'll have to watch that online. But I guarantee you it wasn't as good as ...

"Damages" (FX, 10:00): Since I didn't get a chance to blog about last week's episode, let me bring you up to speed:

Patty Hewes, played by Glenn Close (above), has been appointed by the government to recover billions of dollars in stolen assets from the largest investment fraud in U.S. history. Pause it: Think Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme times 5. Patty's former protege/victim Ellen is now working for the District Attorney's office, but she and Patty are still working the same case. The common goal is to bring down the Madoffs ... er, Tobin family and recoup the money for thousands of families.

We already know that Patty's recently appointed partner Tom Shayes is this season's mystery death. It's the who and the why that they haven't revealed yet. We also know the he was a victim of Tobin's Ponzi scheme and that his family lost everything. Tom is still in touch with Ellen, but it's not clear if they are romantically involved. I tend to think not. Tom doesn't seem like the type.

The other mystery is who was behind the wheel of the car that crashed into Patty. This show goes back and forth in time so much that I can hardly tell when we're six months later or in the present. The car is registered to Tom, but I don't really care who was driving it. It was just great to see Patty shaken for once.

I'm loving how they are using a current event as the basis of this season's plot. Most ripped-from-the-headlines shows are poorly done *cough "Law & Order" cough*, but "Damages" has turned Ponzi into a psychological thriller. Who's loving this season? Who's on your short list for Tom's murder?

Great line I heard on "Damages": "You're only as happy as your saddest child." Think on that.


CHANNEL SURFING

• "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): I was happy to see that Joe is still dating Dori. They make a cute couple. I had to laugh at Owen sneaking into the kitchen to eat in the middle of the night because I eat like that too. At least he can blame his sweet tooth on being a diabetic. Mine? I just like to eat.
• On "Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00), one of the subjects was a Houston firefighter. He should have just burned his own house down and started over. And I understand the brotherhood of firemen, so seeing them all willing to help clean was touching, but if I were in that situation I would definitely NOT have my coworkers helping me clean out my place. "Resa, why are you hanging on to this size 8 when you know you're a ..." The horror!!!
• WOW!!! Ryan, played by Jonathan Togo, on "CSI: Miami" (CBS, 10:00) has packed on a few pounds. He looks like he's entering his second trimester.
• "Fantasia for Real" (VH1, 10:00) I don't know who's more useless: Teeny for having no motivation to find a real job, or Fantasia for enabling him to have no motivation to find a job.

New beginnings

Everybody wants a second chance, but does everybody really deserve one? That was definitely the running theme among the shows I watched tonight. From re-launching a career to dating after divorce to decluttering a filthy house, everyone was searching for a new beginning. But not everyone got their happy ending. Here's a rundown:

"Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): It's been a long time since a show made me laugh so hard that I cried, but that's exactly what happened while watching this show.

Now don't be alarmed when I say this, but I have never seen an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" so I wasn't really sure what to expect when I latched on to this show. But Ray Romano's comedic timing and subtle humor makes this a show that will leave feeling entertained. In this episode, Romano's character Joe recounts to his buddies the ups and downs of his first date in 20 years.

Terry, the man-whore of the group, sets Joe up with his friend Dori. It was so funny listening to him tell the story as we got to see how each moment played out. We've all been there before with the clunky first encounter and the stress of picking the right outfit. But to hear this teen-aged conversation between three middle-aged men was priceless. Pause it: Who else winced during Joe and Dori's awkward instant message exchange? C'mon, Joe! Everybody knows it's all about the fantasy.

Joe's nervous energy was so endearing, especially when he forgets Terry's advice and opts for "weird honesty". Instead of lying, Joe decided to tell the truth, no matter how bizarre it would make him look. Forget LOL, I was literally doubled over guffawing during their bungled make-out session. I can't do this episode any justice trying to explain it in my blog and I won't ruin the ending. You gotta see it for yourself online or watch it via On Demand. It's definitely worth a second date!

Some funnies:

• Joe to Terry while shopping for condoms: "How do I know if it's my size?" Terry: "See if they have a fitting room."
• Joe, explaining to Dori his escape plan if the date was going south: "I was going to start a fire in the bathroom and wait for the sprinklers to go off."
• Owen, getting frustrated by the length of the story: "Did you get the black eye by falling asleep and banging your head on the table because the story took too long?"
• Terry: "Joe, I told you not to think!" Joe replies, "I was trying not to."

Question: Do you have an "out" for a bad first date? I can't tell you mine on here, but I'd love to hear about your escape route from a crappy date.

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): Sometimes you have to wonder why people agree to be on a show like this. Or better yet, why producers agree to tell certain stories when it's obvious these people need more that just a cleaning crew. Linda, a 56-year-old from Virginia, says her house is very cluttered. Pause it: That's your first mistake, honey - not recognizing the filth. Clutter is a stack of papers on the dining room table. You've got piles of rotting food and clothes on yours.

Carrie and Jared, Linda's kids are on the verge of severing all ties with their mother because they feel like they're the ones doing the parenting by constantly having to tell her what to do. "If she wants a new life she's gotta get rid of the old," Carrie says. The tension is thick between mother and daughter, and they spend more time arguing than they do cleaning. Even the professional cleaner acknowledges that the family needs therapy before they can tackle a job like Linda's. They wasted 2 days cleaning out her garage only to have her go through all the trash and take most of it back inside the house.

Rewind: The cleaning guy introduced himself as an "extreme cleaning expert". I would argue that being an extreme cleaner would lump you into a category as someone who suffers from an obsessive compulsive disorder of their own. Am I right or am I right people? And I learned about a new disease tonight: chronic disorganization. The guy who sits next to me at work has that same illness. Sorry, Rob. I gotta call it like I see it.

"Fantasia For Real" (VH1, 10:00): Per usual, a recording artist on the verge of releasing a new album decides to do a reality TV show. This time it's "American Idol" Season 3 winner Fantasia Barrino. Pause it: Whatever happened to good old promotional tours and public appearances? Fanny's last album was a flop compared to her 2004 debut Free Yourself, and given her recent financial problems, she's going to need a hit record post-haste.

I'm assuming the show is supposed to show us how Fantasia battles back from the brink of financial ruin, but all it really does is shift the blame to her mooching family. She's supporting six people on one income but the fact that she's without money is her fault, not theirs. As someone who comes from a large family and been used as an ATM a time or two, I know how hard it is to say 'no' to a sibling in need. But if I can't pay my own bills because I'm too busy helping someone else, that's on me. Fantasia needs to get a backbone, especially when it comes to her freeloading brother Joe, aka Teeny. This dude has such a sense of entitlement that he has the nerve to spend the day shopping for Ferraris instead of getting off his ass and looking for a job. I see him landing in the same place that I've relegated Jermaine Jackson: my s#&! list.

"Fantasia" isn't nearly as raw as Keyshia Cole's BET hit "The Way It Is", but you can't deny the girl's got talent. I'll stick around if only to get a preview of her new album, but I'll have the volume at about a 5. Her speaking voice is like listening to those Budweiser frogs: cute at first but gets old after the third time. Oh, and lose the extreme close-ups. If they zoom in any closer you could see Tasia's tonsils.

CHANNEL SURFING
Once again I fell asleep before the ending of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (ABC Family, 8:00), but all they do is talk about sex and babies. This show makes it seem like sex is the only thing that teenagers are struggling with today. What about drug use or dealing with school bullies or cheating on tests? It can't all be about sex can it?

"Make It or Break It" (ABC Family, 9:00): Are the writers going to tag team Emily's love interests every other season? At first she was falling for Razor (awful nickname) then he left town and she fell for Damon. But wait! Damon's in a band so he has to move to L.A. so Emily is catchin' feelings for Razor again. Looks like the writing team is running short on ideas.

Teen drama queens

I can't wait until my "grown-up" shows come back. Then I won't feel like such an idiot for getting caught up in these teen-aged stories.

"Make It or Break It" (ABC Family, 9:00): If you missed this show last summer, now is your chance to get in on this guilty pleasure. The story follows a Colorado gym that trains national champions and it's "Mean Girls" meets "Bring It On". Lauren, pictured far left, is the team bitch, Emily is the underdog with the rough upbringing. Payson is the star of the girl's team and Kaylie, right, is the cute one who doesn't know her own potential.

Last season, Lauren lost her virginity to Kaylie's boyfriend Carter, another star gymnast at The Rock. The girls have been best friends since kindergarten so that made the betrayal that much worse. Newcomer Emily broke all the rules to try to make a name for herself and earned the respect of her teammates in the process. Payson made her whole life about gymnastics, but when a back injury threatened to take her out of competition she turned to using cortisone injections. Pause it: On this show, using cortisone is like snorting cocaine. Payson fought off the injury for awhile, but broke her back after falling off the uneven bars at nationals. Her pain was Kaylie's gain as she shocked everyone by taking first place at nationals. Now she's got a manager and long list of gymnasts who want to take her number one spot.

This season kicks off with Kaylie adjusting to her new-found fame. She's got a key to the city and a day named in her honor, but it doesn't ease her guilt about taking Payson's spot. "It's a great day, huh?" she asks Nicky, the top male gymnast and Payson's cortisone dealer. "Says Kaylie Cruz on Kaylie Cruz Day," he replies. Both Kaylie and Payson are putting on brave faces, but neither one of them want to admit they are in a world of denial. Once Payson finally lets it sink in that she'll never compete again, she encourages Kaylie to make no apologies for being a winner. And with that, the countdown begins to see how fast Kaylie will cave under the pressure.

I know this show sounds a little juvenile and I really can't explain it's draw, but it's one of those shows that just sucks you in. At least the acting is better than it was in the earlier episodes. It's worth checking out and I won't tell if you decide to stick around! What happens at Watch Party stays at Watch Party.

"The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (ABC Family, 10:00): Now this is a show I'm not afraid to admit I'm addicted to ... well, used to be addicted to. If this episode is any indication of what the rest of the season will be like then we're in for a bumpy ride.

When the show premiered two seasons ago, it was a fictional version of MTV's "Teen Mom". Amy Juergens, played to perfection by Shailene Woodley, is a high school student who gets pregnant by the school's resident bad ass while they were away at band camp. (Insert "American Pie" joke here). She gives birth to a baby boy and we get to watch her navigate the fine line between being a teenager and motherhood.

It's obvious that since Amy has given birth, the writers are having a hard time trying to come up with other secrets that teenagers have. The show talks mostly about teen sex and I have to say that they made me blush during their conversation about oral sex. I won't go into detail for fear that I'll turn into a pillar of salt. I'm hoping the show gets back to it's roots of teen angst and Amy's struggles of being a teen mom. That is where "The Secret Life" really shines.

Rewind: Yes, that was Mayim Bialik from 90's sitcom "Blossom" playing the school counselor ... Is anyone else annoyed with the way Amy's sister Ashley talks - in that monotone, emotionless voice? I'm on the verge of giving her a cortisone shot just to loosen up her vocal cords ... Note to writers: Please stop trying to find ways to get every teen on the show into one scene. I know that they're all friends and classmates, but kids don't travel in packs of 12 unless they are all wearing the same uniform.

CHANNEL SURFING
"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00) gave me what I asked for and got back to the filth this week. But for once I wasn't taken in by the disastrous houses or the hoarders. It was the kids that tugged on my heartstrings. You know a kid's got therapy in their future when they are more heartbroken to see the cleaners and organizers leave than they are excited about having a sterile bedroom. Poor Sam was a ball of tears when he realized the crew was almost done. All I could think was "I hope they come back to visit him so he'll have a friend." *Single tear falling*

I watched about 42 seconds of "The Bachelor" (ABC, 8:00) and that was all I needed to know I won't be tuning in this season. I may drop in from time to time, but I can't promise you a rose every week.

It was Ebony who walked away with the job on "I Want to Work for Diddy" (VH1, 10:00). I was really hoping Daniel would get the position as Sean Combs's assistant but alas, it was sour grapes for the young wine steward. Both he and Ebony gave very passionate pleas for the job and I plan to use some of their speeches the next time I'm called upon to give a motivational talk. Best line went something like this: "I'm hungry for this job but when I'm full, I'll be done with you and we can part ways." Doesn't it make you want to go out and get hired just so you can quit?

You had better still be watching "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00). I still think there are a few too many cuss words, but they sure know when and how to use them.

Cleaning house

Since it was my birthday, I just dabbled here and there. I did manage to watch all four shows that aired at 10:00 pm, a feat that wasn't as difficult as I thought. Here's what happened:

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): I usually try to be sensitive when it comes to the subject matter of this mental illness, but when it comes to hoarding, it's just something I can't fully wrap my mind around. So instead of feeling sympathy towards these people, my emotions run between disgust and dismay.

Judi, a 66-year-old from Maryland, moved into her home in November, 1990. Most of her stuff is still in boxes under mountains of garbage and plastic bottles. Judi's house hasn't had running water for 2 years so she uses adult diapers instead of a toilet. Her bathroom is piled high with 3,000 lbs. of soiled diapers and fecal matter. Now you know I have to Pause it: Where are the hazmat suits? The cleanup men were wearing nothing more than rubber gloves and masks. To clean up 3,000 lbs. of dirty diapers? You best believe I'm going to be swaddled in plastic with an oxygen tank. After collapsing, Judi became wedged between the door and a pile of garbage, causing her to be placed in an assisted living facility.

Over in Oklahoma, 58-year-old Gail was dealing with the death of her parents. Her hoarding stemmed from an emotional attachment to their belongings and a fear of throwing their stuff away. Gail also had lived without running water for 2 years, but her neighbors were nice enough to let her use their hose. Goats (yes, goats) had eaten through the siding on her house, leaving gaping holes in some of the rooms and Gail fearing that she won't survive the winter's freezing temperatures.

This was an interesting episode because once the cleaning started, neither Gail nor Judi exhibited any of the attachment issues that led to their hoarding. For the most part, they were eager to part with their stuff. Of course, there was the occasional freak out when they perceived some trash to be a treasure, why does it take a therapist and the threat of home condemnation to light a fire under these women? Judi was depending on the money from the sale of the house to support her assisted-care living, but once the home was deemed too nasty to live in someone paid only $5,000 for the property. That's $4,999 more than what it was worth. Gail did manage to get her house clean and repaired. There was a nice home hidden underneath that critter cave.

Some random thoughts: How is it that a person winds up with an old school bus in their front yard? Is there a place where they just give away old buses? Can you buy them on e-Bay? I'm told that the production company for this show is based here in Seattle. That's why in the episodes have been heavy on Washington state connections.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): I'll be sticking with this show. It's considered a dramedy, but the humor is subtle, not over the top like "Desperate Housewives". Ray Romano plays Joe, a man who once had dreams of being a professional golfer. Now he owns a party store and nurses a gambling problem that caused the breakdown of his marriage. His friends, Owen and Terry, are going through their own mid-life crises, both trying to pursue careers that have long eluded them. I'm not having a mid-life crisis, but I can relate to these guys. I have a 'bucket list' of things that I haven't accomplished yet, too. The one negative I have about this show: too much cussing. I know it airs at 10:00, but this is basic cable, not Showtime.
• "I Want to Work for Diddy" (VH1, 10:00): Mr. Combs sends the candidates on an honesty retreat then cans air-headed Jennifer for not being able to think on her feet. That broad was two doughnut shy of a dozen.
• "Gossip Girl" (CW, 9:00): Is Serena one of those girls who is destined to keep picking the guy who will leave her hanging in a time of need? Tripp seems really pervy. He's supposed to be in his 30s and he's falling for a 19-year-old. That like Jon Gosselin dating Miley Cyrus ... just wrong. Jenny has turned to gambling to finance her high school kingdom. I see rehab in her future.

Another mundane Monday

It was a ho-hum night for TV. I can usually get a little bit of excitement from "Trauma" or at least find some whacked out idiot to laugh at on "I Want to Work for Diddy" but they both left me cold. Even the much-talked-about threesome on "Gossip Girl" was nothing more than three people kissing then waking up next to each other. Shame on you GG for getting that parent's group all up in arms. Here's a recap of what happened.

"Trauma" (NBC, 9:00): After a gunfight breaks out and an innocent restaurant patron is shot, Nancy and Glenn arrive on the scene. As they are loading the victim into the rig, the police show up with the apprehended suspect. Sergeant Lyons, a friend of Nancy's, proceeds to bash the perp's head in in front of a gang of witnesses. When Glenn and Nancy are called in to explain what happened, Nancy lies for the cop while Glenn's loose lips sink Sgt. Lyon's ship.

The only good thing about the show was the banter between Boone and fresh-out-the-closet Tyler. He's been dumped by his boyfriend and Boone tries to be the supportive friend. It was all very cute. To get under his skin, Tyler goes into naughty detail about the sexual aspects of being gay, telling Boone, "You haven't been touched 'til you've been touched by a doctor." Cut to Boone nearly vomiting. If NBC really is cancelling this show the last few episodes better be good. It's the least they could do after letting me get invested in a show before snatching it away.

"Lie to Me" (FOX, 9:00): Agent Reynolds's (Mekhi Phifer) past comes back to haunt him when it's revealed he spent two years deep undercover as a criminal. Apparently he became addicted to the lifestyle (and cocaine) and ends up killing a man. Nothing much to see here except a lot of close-ups of an angry Mekhi Phifer. The one thing that made this show interesting is the one thing they hardly do anymore: show famous faces conveying the same emotions that they are trying to decipher. They only gave us one example tonight - defiance - and we get Bill O'Reilly and Saddam Hussein.

Question: Do you think Dr. House and Cal Lightman could be related? They have the same surly look and pompous attitudes. I'm calling FOX to see if they can work in a crossover.

"I Want to Work for Diddy" (VH1, 10:00): The teams must design an ad that embodies the new Sean John logo (which is really just the old logo with a black box behind it). Downtown wins again after Uptown hands in a tacky picture that was nothing but fur and crotch. The loss falls on Nick's shoulders, who had crowned himself King of All-Knowing and he's called down to the carpet, taking loud-mouth Ivory with him. But his self-inflated ego was no match for Ivory and Nick was fired. Thank god cause his attitude made me want to punch him dead in the nose.

Oh yeah, Poprah (Poor man's Oprah) from last season is back. I don't know what it is about VH1 reality shows, but I think voice decibel must be a question on the application. Must every person on this show speak as if they are trying to make a deaf person hear? Take it down a notch people. You're wearing a microphone.

Mundane Monday

Not much on in terms of quality television tonight so take you pick on this buffet.

"I Want to Work For Diddy 2" (VH1, 10:00): Like all VH1 shows, Diddy isn't happy with his picks from last season so they give him a second chance. Pause it: Will we be getting a dose of reality game shows with previous candidates vying for cash prizes? I'm part of the 5% of the population who actually admires Sean "Diddy" Combs. The story of how he went from a street promoter to a multi-million dollar mogul should be an inspiration to anyone who's ever dreamed big. That being said, he's still a cocky, mouth-breather.

In the season opener he makes the assistants spend their first night camped out on the roof of a parking garage. Then he breaks out his acting skills, giving interviews that are harsh, rude and emotional, to see how the candidates would react. One of the interview questions was to state in 30 seconds why Diddy should hire them. Pageant queen Noelle's answer: "Everybody loves an Asian girl." Pause it: No, sweetie they don't. Just ask Kim Jong Il. Oh ... wait.

The assistants are divided into two teams - Uptown and Downtown. For their first task they each must go onto the streets of New York and collect video of people speaking in foreign languages promoting Diddy's new album. Turn that down: I hope that 'Last Train to Paris' is leaving soon cause he's been touting this album for a while now. Underdogs Downtown gather the most number of languages and take the first win. Losing team Uptown picks Noelle and team leader Ivory to go up for elimination. Ivory is going to be one of many women playing the "angry black woman" role this season. She's like an aggressive pit bull - a loud bark and a lot of bite. Noelle is given the boot and can't work for Diddy. I guess not everyone loves an Asian girl.

CHANNEL SURFING

What was up with "CSI: Miami" (CBS, 10:00) stealing the plot from box office hit "The Hangover"? The CSIs had to recreate a night of botched bachelor party in order to find the missing groom. The only thing missing was Mike Tyson and a baby. "Miami" is my least favorite of the "CSI" franchise because I can't stand David Caruso in his portrayal of Horatio Caine. I think Caruso thinks that viewers love his one-liner-with-sunglass-removal schtick. Sorry to tell you, buddy: You're not in on the joke, you are the joke. (Insert one liner here).

Gosselins, Gosselins go away. Your 15 is up so take your pay.

It was the same statement, different interviewer on "Kate: Her Story" (TLC, 9:00). She's becoming a really good cryer, but she needs a dictionary and a speech writer for all the words she makes up. I thought Jon was the inarticulate one. TLC is doing their best to bleed this turnip. Next week we get an hour of viewers favorite moments. I'm sure I can name them all, as we've seen this "special" twice already. Move on, Gosselins. Move on.