New beginnings

Everybody wants a second chance, but does everybody really deserve one? That was definitely the running theme among the shows I watched tonight. From re-launching a career to dating after divorce to decluttering a filthy house, everyone was searching for a new beginning. But not everyone got their happy ending. Here's a rundown:

"Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): It's been a long time since a show made me laugh so hard that I cried, but that's exactly what happened while watching this show.

Now don't be alarmed when I say this, but I have never seen an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" so I wasn't really sure what to expect when I latched on to this show. But Ray Romano's comedic timing and subtle humor makes this a show that will leave feeling entertained. In this episode, Romano's character Joe recounts to his buddies the ups and downs of his first date in 20 years.

Terry, the man-whore of the group, sets Joe up with his friend Dori. It was so funny listening to him tell the story as we got to see how each moment played out. We've all been there before with the clunky first encounter and the stress of picking the right outfit. But to hear this teen-aged conversation between three middle-aged men was priceless. Pause it: Who else winced during Joe and Dori's awkward instant message exchange? C'mon, Joe! Everybody knows it's all about the fantasy.

Joe's nervous energy was so endearing, especially when he forgets Terry's advice and opts for "weird honesty". Instead of lying, Joe decided to tell the truth, no matter how bizarre it would make him look. Forget LOL, I was literally doubled over guffawing during their bungled make-out session. I can't do this episode any justice trying to explain it in my blog and I won't ruin the ending. You gotta see it for yourself online or watch it via On Demand. It's definitely worth a second date!

Some funnies:

• Joe to Terry while shopping for condoms: "How do I know if it's my size?" Terry: "See if they have a fitting room."
• Joe, explaining to Dori his escape plan if the date was going south: "I was going to start a fire in the bathroom and wait for the sprinklers to go off."
• Owen, getting frustrated by the length of the story: "Did you get the black eye by falling asleep and banging your head on the table because the story took too long?"
• Terry: "Joe, I told you not to think!" Joe replies, "I was trying not to."

Question: Do you have an "out" for a bad first date? I can't tell you mine on here, but I'd love to hear about your escape route from a crappy date.

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): Sometimes you have to wonder why people agree to be on a show like this. Or better yet, why producers agree to tell certain stories when it's obvious these people need more that just a cleaning crew. Linda, a 56-year-old from Virginia, says her house is very cluttered. Pause it: That's your first mistake, honey - not recognizing the filth. Clutter is a stack of papers on the dining room table. You've got piles of rotting food and clothes on yours.

Carrie and Jared, Linda's kids are on the verge of severing all ties with their mother because they feel like they're the ones doing the parenting by constantly having to tell her what to do. "If she wants a new life she's gotta get rid of the old," Carrie says. The tension is thick between mother and daughter, and they spend more time arguing than they do cleaning. Even the professional cleaner acknowledges that the family needs therapy before they can tackle a job like Linda's. They wasted 2 days cleaning out her garage only to have her go through all the trash and take most of it back inside the house.

Rewind: The cleaning guy introduced himself as an "extreme cleaning expert". I would argue that being an extreme cleaner would lump you into a category as someone who suffers from an obsessive compulsive disorder of their own. Am I right or am I right people? And I learned about a new disease tonight: chronic disorganization. The guy who sits next to me at work has that same illness. Sorry, Rob. I gotta call it like I see it.

"Fantasia For Real" (VH1, 10:00): Per usual, a recording artist on the verge of releasing a new album decides to do a reality TV show. This time it's "American Idol" Season 3 winner Fantasia Barrino. Pause it: Whatever happened to good old promotional tours and public appearances? Fanny's last album was a flop compared to her 2004 debut Free Yourself, and given her recent financial problems, she's going to need a hit record post-haste.

I'm assuming the show is supposed to show us how Fantasia battles back from the brink of financial ruin, but all it really does is shift the blame to her mooching family. She's supporting six people on one income but the fact that she's without money is her fault, not theirs. As someone who comes from a large family and been used as an ATM a time or two, I know how hard it is to say 'no' to a sibling in need. But if I can't pay my own bills because I'm too busy helping someone else, that's on me. Fantasia needs to get a backbone, especially when it comes to her freeloading brother Joe, aka Teeny. This dude has such a sense of entitlement that he has the nerve to spend the day shopping for Ferraris instead of getting off his ass and looking for a job. I see him landing in the same place that I've relegated Jermaine Jackson: my s#&! list.

"Fantasia" isn't nearly as raw as Keyshia Cole's BET hit "The Way It Is", but you can't deny the girl's got talent. I'll stick around if only to get a preview of her new album, but I'll have the volume at about a 5. Her speaking voice is like listening to those Budweiser frogs: cute at first but gets old after the third time. Oh, and lose the extreme close-ups. If they zoom in any closer you could see Tasia's tonsils.

CHANNEL SURFING
Once again I fell asleep before the ending of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" (ABC Family, 8:00), but all they do is talk about sex and babies. This show makes it seem like sex is the only thing that teenagers are struggling with today. What about drug use or dealing with school bullies or cheating on tests? It can't all be about sex can it?

"Make It or Break It" (ABC Family, 9:00): Are the writers going to tag team Emily's love interests every other season? At first she was falling for Razor (awful nickname) then he left town and she fell for Damon. But wait! Damon's in a band so he has to move to L.A. so Emily is catchin' feelings for Razor again. Looks like the writing team is running short on ideas.

Love lockdown

Sundays are becoming such a bore. Only one more week before "24" returns to shake things up a bit. Here's what happened:

"Cold Case" (CBS, 9:00): In 2005, an Army recruiter was found shot in an alley just two days before he was set to deploy for Iraq. In the initial investigation, Michael Donley was written off as a disgraced soldier who was shot after robbing a pawn shop. The roundup of suspects included a handful of recruits Donley was helping, along with their angry parents, a cheating spouse and a grieving father whose son died during deployment. Rush and Valens finally figure out he was murdered by one of his female recruits who felt he was deserting her to go off to war. Pause it: She really wanted the Army signing bonus.

It should certainly be clear by now how I feel about soldiers, although this wasn't one of those episodes that tug at the heartstrings. It focused more on the darker side of the Army - asking high school kids to sign up during a time of war. At least this recruiter had some sympathy about what he was doing. "My place is over there with those kids I send," he explained to his would-be killer. I also learned an interesting term from this episode. A "Jody" is a higher-ranking soldier who doesn't go to combat, but stays home and "takes care of" your wife for you. I wonder if they get workman's comp for that.

Rewind: When did Lily Rush get a ready-made family? They just brought the girl's daddy back last season. I don't remember them introducing a half-brother and a stepmom, but now she's sitting down to dinner with them like they have known each other for years. And were they having full-on meal at 2:00 am? I thought so.

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): I knew it was just a matter of time before the writers found a way to work in Teri Hatcher's love of pole dancing as exercise. At the reading of ex-husband Karl's will (he was the character who died last week), Susan was surprised to learn that the man who had cheated on her their entire marriage, left her part ownership of a strip club. Pause it: The Double Ds Gentlemen's Club ... certainly makes me think about exercise. Susan learns from one of the strippers that Mike is a regular at the club and later tries to forbid him from going back. Mike protests that the club is a client of his plumbing business and he won't be told what to do. Cut to Teri Hat ...er, Susan stripping to prove her point.

I know TV shows like to give it's actors a chance to show off some of their other skills but c'mon now! Pole dancing? We've seen her do it on Letterman. We've seen her do it on Oprah. What I would really like to see her doing is putting her head inside an oven with the gas on. I'm just saying.

Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane: Tom volunteers to fill in for Lynette while she's recovering from losing the baby, but all she can worry about is not having a job after she gives birth. You know how she likes to wear the pants in the Scavo house ... Bree's minister guilts her into bringing Orson home and taking care of him to atone for her affair with Karl. Orson's initial angry soon turned into contempt and he's planning on running Bree ragged as his personal home-health aide. And in the funniest plot of the episode, Gabby's daughter Juanita learns she's not what she thought she was. "We're Mexican? I thought we were American!" Gabby asks, "How could you not know you were Mexican? We eat Mexican food all the time!" Juanita replies, "We eat Chinese food, too. Does that mean I'm Chinese?" Checkmate.

It's about time this show recognized that the Solis family are the only brown people on Wisteria Lane. Yes, there was that black family a few seasons ago, ironically called the Applewhites, but we all know how that ended! Umm hmm! I wonder what would happen if some Abdullahs moved next door. Now that would be a block party worth going to.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): A Watch Party viewer pointed out how this show is becoming more and more like a soap opera each week and after this episode, I have to agree. I can't even remember one plot that was worth remembering other than Holly trying to take down the Walker family. Pause it: That's so "Dynasty" circa 1984. I can still enjoy the show for what it's worth, but there is still one thing that is driving me insane: Justin's facial expressions. Or should I say expression - he only has one and he's making it in this picture.

The best part of the show for me was seeing one of my favorite child actors in a small guest role. Khamani Griffin was the cutie pie son of Eddie Murphy in the movie "Daddy Day Care". He was also the little kid on "Grey's Anatomy" that had me sobbing for hours. He was really adorable as Bobby Jr. on the show "All of Us" so I'm hoping he's going to grow into those rabbit teeth he's developing. I guess it's not just seniors who get "long in the tooth."

"The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00): The show picks up with Jermaine still throwing a tantrum over his failed tribute concert for Michael. Ever the comedian, Marlon quips, "The only thing I know about Vienna is the Vienna sausages we used to eat in Gary." The episode was a revolving door of funny lines so I barely noticed if it had a storyline or not. I don't even have to waste time ragging on Jermaine because his brothers did it for me.

The guys head to a fish market to buy meat for grilling, Jackie points to a bug-eyed fish and says that's what Jermaine's pink eye looked like. Later, Tito marinates the steaks with red wine, even though Muslim convert Jermaine doesn't drink. In his confessional time he say he hopes his brother doesn't see this episode and finishes it off with "As-Salamu Alaykum". Hi-larious! Other funny lines from the show:

• "Y'all are flatter than y'all woman's ass!" - Tito, politely telling his brothers they sound out of tune.
• "Jermaine is right ... when you're doing a 'Jermaine Jackson' record. Right now you're doing a record with the Jacksons." - Marlon, after Jermaine claims they should be trying to sound like him.

CHANNEL SURFING

I guess "Ghost Whisperer" (CBS, Fri., 8:00) must be running out of storylines for Melinda. They already have a professor who can hear ghosts, and now we have Delia's son Ned who is majoring in occult sciences so that he can "sense" them. And when can we get back to the sappy and sentimental "GW"? It's too dark and twisted now.

Casting couch: That was Kadeem Hardison, aka Dwayne Wayne, from 90s sitcom "A Different World" playing the radio DJ in the flashback sequence. It's a different world indeed.

After these messages: If you squint hard enough, the lady in the Crestor commercials looks like Madam Secretary Hillary Clinton ... The previews for ABC's new dramedy "The Deep End" look like "Grey's Anatomy" with lawyers.

On death's door

Happy New Year and welcome back to the TV Watch Party! I hope you brought your appetites because we're gearing up for the winter premieres. Disclaimer: TV Watch Party will not be held responsible for any addictions you may develop after watching new TV shows and will not hold your hand when you try to get rid of your habit. At TV Watch Party, we don't quit shows. They quit us.

It was a dreary way to kick off the new season. Every show I watched had someone knocking on death's door. Keep reading to see who got a reprieve and who's six feet under.

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): The season picks up with the aftermath of the overly-hyped plane crash. The promos kept saying someone important would die, but once they revealed who it was I was like 'shruggsies'. The episode was a little like "A Christmas Carol" where all the characters were given a chance to see what their lives would've been like if they had made different choices. Pause it: That ghost visits me every other Friday when I look at my pay stub.

All of Wisteria Lane is at the hospital waiting to see who survived. Bree is banged up but OK and Orson has a spinal injury that may leave him paralyzed, but it was manwhore Karl who got a one way ticket to Hades. When word begins to spread about his demise, Susan dreams what her life would've been like if she had never divorced Karl. Her vision came as Teri Hatcher in a very convincing fat suit. Susan has always been my least favorite character but I'll admit that I did chuckle when she yelled at Karl after he announced he would be doing the leaving. "I can't even get a 'Hey, Susan! Thanks for wasting the best years of your life while I went out and banged everything with a G.E.D. and a tramp stamp!'?" Bree, who happened to be one of Karl's belt notches, had thoughts of her future if Karl hadn't died. You don't have to be a psychic to know how that would've turned out. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Karl cheated on Susan and in Bree's dream she caught him in bed with her yoga instructor.

After Lynette starts experiencing labor pains, she's told that her twins are in trouble. Her tale seemed to be intertwined with Gaby's dream since saving Gaby's daughter's life was what landed her in the emergency room. The ladies have been fighting ever since they filed lawsuits against each other, but when Lynette loses one of the twins they reunite to share in her pain. Rewind: I thought this plane crash was going to be the writer's way of putting an end to this ridiculous pregnancy storyline, but they obviously ignored the changes I made on the script. Nobody wants to see babies die, but c'mon! Lynette has 4 kids already (5 if you count her husband)!! I think her uterus deserves a break.

"Desperate Housewives" has lost it's steam from last season when they skipped ahead 5 years. It was a much-needed shot in the arm, but now I fear it's slipping back into a coma. And I'm hoping ABC has signed a D.N.R. (do not resusciate). Pull the plug and give this show a proper burial.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): While the women of Fairview were drowning in death, Kitty was pulled away from the bright light and escorted back to her hospital bed. In the fall-season ender, Kitty collapsed during Justin and Rebecca's wedding ceremony. Turns out she had a blood clot in her lung and the doctors say the chemo treatments aren't working. Her only option is a bone-marrow transplant, so the scramble is on to find her a matching donor.

Of course, none of the Walker siblings are a match. Of course. Nora is forced to beg half-brother Ryan, the product of her late husband's affair, to get tested and of course, he is a match. Of course. Pause it: Nora has 5 kids and you mean to tell me not one of them could've been a match? It may have been cliche, but a lot more poignant if Kitty had been saved by a stranger, or better yet, hateful Holly. How convenient to have a forgotten-about half sibling roaming around town. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so glad your father cheated on me," Nora says. It's all jealousy and anger until somebody needs a transfusion!

Kitty and Robert renew their vows then he drops his bid for governor. They spent all that time on Kitty's story when the real action was Holly confronting Ryan about tampering with the Ojai wine stock. It's about time someone wised up to what he's been doing. Too bad he wasn't smart enough to use that bone marrow to leverage his way out of the mess he's made.

CHANNEL SURFING
I will pay someone $5.00 if they can get me the name of the gooey gump that Jermaine styles his hair with. Seriously! I want to know what it takes to slick one's hair down like that but still manage to make it look like it's hollow inside! I'll bet if you thump it, it makes a sound.

On "The Jacksons: An American Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00), the brothers are preparing to see the premiere of "This is It". Tito agrees to walk the red carpet, but at the last minute he decides not to go in. So far he's the only brother to show any real emotion about Michael's death. His tears seem downright genuine compared to famewhore Jermaine who's still peeved that his Vienna tribute concert was cancelled. Dude, get over it! Nobody thinks you're interesting. And your skin looks like plastic.

Where's the filth?

I thought it was going to be a blog-free week, but there were some interesting tidbits tonight. Take a look-see:

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): I don't know why I get so excited when I see Washington state residents on this show. The production company, Screaming Flea Productions, is based out of Seattle, so it's not a stretch to see local people on here but it still excites me! Tonight's episode featured 39-year-old Shannon from Spanaway. Pause it: Shout out to Pierce County! What up y'all!

Because of the condition of her home, Shannon is on the verge of losing her four children to Child Protective Services. Her son moved into a shed in the backyard and lived there for two years before moving in with his grandmother. Husband Tim works 75 hours a week to avoid coming home so you know the house is in bad shape. To top it all off, they have 17 cats and 5 dogs ... and that's minus the 22 cats that had been removed from the house the week before. Ummm, how do I put this mildly? That's freakin' nasty, dude.

Just as the crew was getting ready to start filming, CPS shows up "unannounced," but the exchange just "happens" to be caught on video tape. Shannon's sister thought CPS was coming with an ultimatum - clean up or else - but what they got was served with papers to have the kids removed from the home. Shannon is angry and wants to know who reported her. Pause it: Shan, honey, it would behoove you to look over at that camera crew that's filming from across the street. I wouldn't put it past the network to put in a call just to get a little added drama for the show.

I'm wondering where A&E is taking this show. The first season spent at least 30 minutes showing us just how filthy these houses are. In tonight's episode, they spent 90% of the show discussing the mental aspect. That's all fine and good because I know that hoarding is a legitimate disease or whatever, but I tune in for the gross-out factor and I want more filth!

Some housekeeping items: It's hard to take that psychiatrist/hoarding expert seriously when she looks like a more glamorous version of Tonya Harding ... The other half of the show focused a mother from Arizona. After cleaning her house she has an epiphany: "I don't need a maid, I need a psychiatrist." Gee, ya think?

CHANNEL SURFING

• I'm having a hard time writing about "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00). It's a really good show and I enjoy watching it, but the pace is kind of lazy and the comedy is a little subdued. Maybe I need to be a certain age to understand. Don't give up on it. It's a show worth watching.
• We finally made it to the final two on "I Want to Work for Diddy" (VH1, 10:00). Miss Ivory got the boot, leaving wine steward Daniel and lady football player Ebony to duke it out for the coveted assistant position. Finale airs next Monday.

One monkey don't stop the show

Sunday was a slow night.

"The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00): I debated whether or not I should watch this show. I totally turned into one of those rubber-neckers who wanted to see if the train was going off the track. It didn't derail, but the conductor (Jermaine) is clearly falling asleep at the wheel. All the brothers are listed as executive producers, so I can't be sure how "real" this reality show is going to be. Supposedly this show wasn't going to see the light of day, but after Michael died, A&E saw an opportunity to ride the wave of people cashing in. But in all honesty, I was excited to see the show when I heard about it, and that was way before Michael died. Too bad A&E felt the need to milk his death until the teat was dry.

The Jackson 5 is reuniting for their 40th anniversary, but it's been a long time since they've been on stage together. Pause it: Clearly that hyperbaric chamber works though, because they Jermaine and Jackie look frozen in time. It isn't clear if Michael was on board with the idea, but the brothers talked as if he would be joining them. *Cough* Fat chance *Cough*.

Here are a few things I learned about the Jackson brothers:

1. They know their roles. Jermaine is the fame whore, and proud of it. Tito is the hot head (like father, like son). Jackie is the calm one and Marlon is the comedian, although I found Tito to be quite funny.
2. Jermaine and Jackie don't get along that well, and both run and tattle to mommy when they don't get their way.
3. Jackie, Marlon and Tito are still bitter about Jermaine staying with Motown when they jumped labels to CBS. That was like, before I was born ... move on guys.
4. Tito is the only brother to never release a solo album. "I don't want to be a trivia question: Which brother of the Jackson 5 never released a solo album?"
5. Jackie always takes his daughter to business meetings because she's more vocal with her opinions than he is.

Here is a breakdown of what's real and what's not:

Real: Their talent. No one is disputing it, but to see that they still have it after 40 years is amazing. Not real: Jermaine's tribute concert in Vienna. If they do indeed reschedule that show I'll walk on my lips. Real: The miniseries "The Jacksons: An American Dream". Just from their conversations, they confirmed that the movie was factual. And if you haven't seen it already, go out and rent it ... or wait for VH1 to play it. Not real: Jermaine's hair. It looks like he took a bottle of gel and some shoe polish and used it as gel and hair color.

There's only 6 episodes to this series so I'll probably be sticking around for it. Mainly so I can hate on Jermaine. The other guys seem fairly genuine and funny, and in the words of Jackie, "One monkey don't stop the show," so I'm not going to let Jermaine's antics keep me from tuning in.

Cleaning house

Since it was my birthday, I just dabbled here and there. I did manage to watch all four shows that aired at 10:00 pm, a feat that wasn't as difficult as I thought. Here's what happened:

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): I usually try to be sensitive when it comes to the subject matter of this mental illness, but when it comes to hoarding, it's just something I can't fully wrap my mind around. So instead of feeling sympathy towards these people, my emotions run between disgust and dismay.

Judi, a 66-year-old from Maryland, moved into her home in November, 1990. Most of her stuff is still in boxes under mountains of garbage and plastic bottles. Judi's house hasn't had running water for 2 years so she uses adult diapers instead of a toilet. Her bathroom is piled high with 3,000 lbs. of soiled diapers and fecal matter. Now you know I have to Pause it: Where are the hazmat suits? The cleanup men were wearing nothing more than rubber gloves and masks. To clean up 3,000 lbs. of dirty diapers? You best believe I'm going to be swaddled in plastic with an oxygen tank. After collapsing, Judi became wedged between the door and a pile of garbage, causing her to be placed in an assisted living facility.

Over in Oklahoma, 58-year-old Gail was dealing with the death of her parents. Her hoarding stemmed from an emotional attachment to their belongings and a fear of throwing their stuff away. Gail also had lived without running water for 2 years, but her neighbors were nice enough to let her use their hose. Goats (yes, goats) had eaten through the siding on her house, leaving gaping holes in some of the rooms and Gail fearing that she won't survive the winter's freezing temperatures.

This was an interesting episode because once the cleaning started, neither Gail nor Judi exhibited any of the attachment issues that led to their hoarding. For the most part, they were eager to part with their stuff. Of course, there was the occasional freak out when they perceived some trash to be a treasure, why does it take a therapist and the threat of home condemnation to light a fire under these women? Judi was depending on the money from the sale of the house to support her assisted-care living, but once the home was deemed too nasty to live in someone paid only $5,000 for the property. That's $4,999 more than what it was worth. Gail did manage to get her house clean and repaired. There was a nice home hidden underneath that critter cave.

Some random thoughts: How is it that a person winds up with an old school bus in their front yard? Is there a place where they just give away old buses? Can you buy them on e-Bay? I'm told that the production company for this show is based here in Seattle. That's why in the episodes have been heavy on Washington state connections.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Men of a Certain Age" (TNT, 10:00): I'll be sticking with this show. It's considered a dramedy, but the humor is subtle, not over the top like "Desperate Housewives". Ray Romano plays Joe, a man who once had dreams of being a professional golfer. Now he owns a party store and nurses a gambling problem that caused the breakdown of his marriage. His friends, Owen and Terry, are going through their own mid-life crises, both trying to pursue careers that have long eluded them. I'm not having a mid-life crisis, but I can relate to these guys. I have a 'bucket list' of things that I haven't accomplished yet, too. The one negative I have about this show: too much cussing. I know it airs at 10:00, but this is basic cable, not Showtime.
• "I Want to Work for Diddy" (VH1, 10:00): Mr. Combs sends the candidates on an honesty retreat then cans air-headed Jennifer for not being able to think on her feet. That broad was two doughnut shy of a dozen.
• "Gossip Girl" (CW, 9:00): Is Serena one of those girls who is destined to keep picking the guy who will leave her hanging in a time of need? Tripp seems really pervy. He's supposed to be in his 30s and he's falling for a 19-year-old. That like Jon Gosselin dating Miley Cyrus ... just wrong. Jenny has turned to gambling to finance her high school kingdom. I see rehab in her future.

Bless this mess

I'm baaaaack! Sorry I've been away for so long, but it's taken me a few days to get back on track after traveling the last 2 weeks. I've been in 3 times zones and missed countless hours of TV. I was in the beginning stages of withdrawal. Let's get to it!

"Hoarders" (A&E, 10:00): Had I not designed the page in The Seattle Times with the story about hoarding, I may have missed this second-season premier. "Hoarders" has become A&E's hottest new show and I'm one of those people who got sucked into the vortex of junk these people have accumulated. Tonight's episode featured Augustine, a 68-year-old woman from Louisiana whose house is on the verge of condemnation.

Augustine's children, Susan and 28-year-old Seattleite Jason, are at the end of their rope with mom. Jason was removed from the home when he was in 8th grade and sent to live with his sister - a three day stay that turned into 10 years. Both feel mom chose garbage over raising children and the level of resentment they have towards her is palpable. Neither one of them have an emotional attachment to Augustine and feel they have to help her as a moral obligation.

Augustine wasn't taking the blame for anything (Mom, is that you?). She had excuses coming out the wazoo about how she ended up living in a state of squalor. And the stuff she was saving was ridiculous: diapers, crochet kits ... I had to get up and go brush my teeth when they found her dentures underneath a pile of garbage - and she wanted to keep them!! Augustine is classified as a category 5 hoarder and it did, indeed, look like a hurricane had blown through that house.

This was the first hoarder house that was actually cleaned to the point where you could see the floor. The cleaners removed a total of 8,000 lbs. of trash and even chipped in their own money to buy her a new chair to plop down in front of the TV. Pause it: The last thing this woman needs is a new nesting place. She barely told the men 'thank you' for the hard (and possibly toxic) work they had done.

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? I hang on to receipts and greeting cards, but they don't keep me from finding my bed at night. I'm just saying ...

Hoarders - Season Finale

Well, tonight there's good news and there's bad news. The good news: For once, we meet a hoarder who doesn't have a cluttered house. The bad news is his clutter sits on 2 acres of his front yard. Paul from Alabama has been cited for criminal littering after his neighbors reported his unsightly yard. He faces 90 days in jail and a $250 fine. After seeing his yard, I'd take the jail time.

Paul doesn't want to get rid of any junk because he thinks he can retire on the money made from the scrap metal. Pause it: If I truly believed collecting scrap metal would be enough to supplement my 401K, I'd be picking up every soda can, stripped car and copper stick from Lynnwood to Little Rock. But I can't see how a $3 bucket of cans is going to get me any closer to that retirement home in Cancun, especially at 1/2 cent a pound.

Paul was hoping to get $30,000-$40,000 for his treasured trash - 100 lawnmowers, 50 refrigerators, 60-70 cars and a school bus. In the end, all he got was 3 grand and a 5-month extension to avoid county jail. I know he wanted the money to pay for his grandkids' college education, but why not do it the old fashioned American way: put it on a credit card.

Rewind the tape: Who thinks those scrap companies were taking advantage of Paul's situation? I mean really! Less than a penny a pound? Maybe they are weighing it on the moon. And did you notice he couldn't even storm off in dramatic fashion for tripping over a tire? Paul used the words "fixin to"! FINALLY! Someone who speaks my language! (I'm waving at you Arkansas!)

All I can say for Alabama Paul is at least he hoards outdoors ... unlike Missy and Alex, two emotional hoarders from Atlanta.

I was really disappointed in their story because A&E had touted the season finale as this dramatic tale of a 7-year-old hoarder. Turns out, it was just a case of bad parenting as his mom's bad habit had rubbed off on him. While it was still compelling to watch, I kept waiting for some sort of build up that never came.

Pause it: You know how some people have a fear of clowns? Well I have a fear of stuffed animals, especially when there's enough of them to form a Ringling Brothers Stuffed Animal Circus. (I'm glaring at you, mother).

Poor Alex. Not only is he a hoarder, but he also suffers from dyslexia and ADD. At least Missy had enough sense to have them eat off paper plates. Did you see that pile of dog feces from a pet they no longer had? Rewind the tape: Shirley the cat hoarder can show you how to get rid of the stain.

It was a great, if not gross, season and I'm so glad I got attached to this show. But be assured: there won't be a pile of taped episodes preventing me from getting to my bedroom. I know when to de-clutter.