Keep your heroes close

How excited am I to learn that On Demand now features shows from NBC. The network used to charge to watch their shows, but now you can see "The Office", "Trauma" and "The Marriage Ref" within hours after they air. I guess that makes up for the whole Leno/Conan debacle. Now, check out what happened on ...

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): Wow! The Heroes really are turning out to be some of the most conniving players to ever walk the beaches of Samoa! Gone is that good-guy act that led scores of "Survivor" fans to vote these castaways back on the islands. It's been replaced with double-talk and backstabbing, with J.T. leading the pack.

After voting off Cirie at Tribal Council, Colby calls J.T. his hero for voting with him and Tom. J.T. apologizes for his tricky move, but says his vote was cast for the good of the team, not for personal reasons. He swears to Amanda that he would never turn on her, but she claims she can see right through him. "If he wants to play this game, game on. Bring it on," she challenges. Over on the Villains' beach, Coach is leading his tribe in a session of "Dragon Slayer Chi" - a mixture of chanting, inflated ego and made up yoga movements. Everyone except Russell is participating. He's out looking for the hidden immunity idol, which he finds after two days of digging.

Things get more than a little heated at the Reward Challenge. It's a game of foot-dodge-basketball and the prize is a chocolate feast. Pause it: After not having any real food except fish and chicken for 10 days, eating pounds of chocolate doesn't sound appealing at all. (Unless I get to lick it off of James's abs). Jeff Probst offers the tribes a sample of the candy to whet their appetites, but the Heroes sternly refuse. Colby dismisses the plate and tells Probst he's ready to get to the competition. "I got the message, brother. We'll go when I'm ready!" he snaps at Colby. Rupert explains that they want to send the message that they are focused. They should've just eaten the chocolate. At the start of the challenge, James injures his knee and the medics get called in to assist him. He's pulled out of the game after he's unable to walk around on it. The battle continues to get rough as B-Rob and J.T. duke it out then later turns into a full-out brawl after J.T. body slams Coach and Rupert accidentally lobs Jerri into a pole. It looked like a scene out of WWE. The score is now tied and Jerri scores the final point, giving the Villains yet another win. James is given a splint for his knee and the Villains head off to enjoy their feast. Pause it: Can you really say they enjoyed it when most of them ended up with sugar headaches?

While his other teammates are swimming, Russell confides in Parvati that he's found the hidden idol. "Grab on to these coattails!" he tells her. "I don't ride coattails, baby," she replies. Russell brings Coach into his inner circle and being the gullible idiot that he is, bows down to "King Russell" and allows him to "knight" him. Coach says that he'd love to stay loyal to B-Rob, but appreciates Russell's trust in him.

Amanda is sulking around the Heroes' beach, weighing her options if James is taken out of the game. She really wants James to stay because he looks out for her. Rewind: In Cirie's exit interview with TV Guide, she reveals her disappointment in Amanda's game, saying she can't think for herself. Without Cirie or Parvati calling the shots, Amanda is as lost as the prodigal son. Lucky for her, James comes limping back to camp with his knee wrapped in bandages. The medics can't explain what's wrong with him and he does his best to convince the tribe he's fine. He says he's going to "make some lemonade out of his lemon knee." Candice isn't buying it calling James "dead weight."

At the Immunity Challenge, the castaways play a blind puzzle game where everyone on the course is blindfolded while one player sits on a perch calling out directions. Colby, B-Rob, Rupert and Jerri have all played this game before. James is the caller for the Heroes, Jerri for the Villains. James does a great job yelling out directions. The Heroes grab their puzzle pieces quickly and open up a huge lead over the Villains. But once again, the Heroes fail at the putting the puzzle together and the Villains win their 4th Immunity Challenge. Let the Heroes' finger pointing begin.

Upon return to camp, J.T. points out that it's established that the Villains "can beat them at everything except Sumo wrestling." James claims that Tom isn't contributing to the team and moves to get him voted out. Candice adamantly objects and thinks voting off James is their best bet. Rewind: J.T.'s game play is way more sneaky than it was the first time around and I'm not sure if I like it. What I loved about him in his season was that he was a down-home country boy with a friendly smile and southern charm. Now he looks and sounds like a used-car salesman. J.T. is playing both sides and all the tribe members are looking for his vote even though his loyalty is in question. "He's clearly just playing the hand that suits him today," Colby says.

At Tribal Council, Probst needles James: "My niece could beat you in a race right now." "No, she can't," James deadpans. Eventually, fingers start to point in Tom's direction after Rupert and James say Tom doesn't like to follow. Tom bites back by saying James's voting strategy is to shut up and do what he's told. James then challenges the tribe to vote him out if they think they can win with Tom. "We'll still be cool," he promises. After the final vote, it's mass over class as Tom torch is snuffed, proving James is more valuable with a bum leg t

I noticed that Candice ended up voting for Tom. I assume she was smart enough to realize she'd be next if she voted with Colby and Tom.

THE SCORECARD

CHANNEL SURFING

• "The Office" (NBC, 9:00): Jim returns from paternity leave to find that Dwight has converted his workstation into a "megadesk" - a huge desk built out of Jim, Pam and his desk. Jim returns the favor by building "quad desk", three (yes, three) desks stacked like a pyramid. Michael tries to impress Jo, the new owner of Dunder Mifflin, but it's warehouse worker Darrell who catches her eye with a fresh idea and is given his own office next to Michael's. I wonder if that means we'll get to see more of Darrell. I love the way he interacts with Michael.
• "Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00): The designers get to create a look based on the elements - earth, water, air and fire - that also incorporated a hairstyle to match. Jonathan wins with his interpretation of air through laughter. I understood his concept, but I didn't think the look was all that. Ben and Amy, one of my favorites, end up in the bottom two - both for bad construction. Amy has made some really great clothes but the outfit she came up with tonight was so strange that even Lady Gaga would call it weird. Ultimately, the judges forgave her "cat in a baby sling" garment and sent Ben packing for his ill-constructed pantsuit.
• On "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00), Callie thinks she's finally in a stable relationship then learns that her pediatrician girlfriend doesn't want to have children. A pediatrician who doesn't want kids? How much does she hate her job?
  

One voice, many mouths

For one night I have an appreciation for the Winter Olympics. Not because of any spectacular gold-medal moves, but because it cuts my TV watching schedule down by at least a third. And thanks to CBS posting their shows immediately after they air, I'm down to just three shows! Maybe I'll get to bed before 5 a.m. The things I do for the Watch Party.

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): The tribes are three days into their misadventure, and the castaways are battling the same torrential rainfall that the Samoa cast endured. Rewind: That makes sense, seeing how they are in Samoa again. Boston Rob, who was once a construction worker, wants to rebuild the Villains' rain-soaked shelter while others want to stand around and watch him do it. Most agree that Rob is the leader and the tribe would all be dead without his know-how. He calls them a bunch of lazy "buffoons" and storms off to the jungle where he promptly drops like a bag of coconuts. Luckily, Jerri witnesses the whole thing and the medics are soon called in. He's fine but his resolve to win the game has me kicking myself over my Final 3 Picks. Damn you, Boston Rob!

The Villains look as though the tribe is about to implode while over at the Heroes' beach, they are hard at work with no complaining. Well, almost no complaining. Rupert gripes that they need to get rid of Stephenie while she surmises that Rupert's "nice guy" act is overkill. At least they are chipper with their insults.

At the immunity/reward challenge, the tribes play a grueling game of over-sized building blocks. Pause it: I find it somewhat difficult when trying to explain these challenges. Pairs rolling heavy, jumbo blocks down the beach then stacking them to solve a word puzzle? That sounds about right, no? The winning team gets a tarp, rope and nails.

The Heroes go in with a winning strategy: one voice. J.T. will call the shots since the same game was played during his season. (Coach and Tyson played it as well.) The Heroes build a solid lead with James practically carrying the blocks for his team. But when they get to the puzzle, the tribe implodes when Stephenie tries to call out strategy over J.T. Villains win again and James reads Steph the riot act, telling her to "shut up!" She's smart enough to keep her mouth closed, as she knows that Rupert is gunning for her as well. Rewind: While James may have voiced his opinion the wrong way, the guy had a point. Steph really wasn't following the "one voice" rule. And those who have played the game with James knows he's a passionate player who likes to win.

Back that the Heroes camp, James continues his tirade about people not following instructions. Tom is quick to defend Stephenie ... just not in earshot of the other tribemates. He and Colby huddle up to see if they can get Cirie and Candice to vote off Amanda. Candice says there will be a clear divide in the camp once the votes are revealed. When she asks whose name they should write down, Cirie replies, "As long as it's not us, it don't much matter to me." Pause it: When did Cirie and Candice become a voting bloc? J.T. realizes he's going to have to pick an alliance, as he's made deals with both Tom and James.

At Tribal Council, lines are drawn when James goes after Stephenie ... again. He reminds the Heroes that Stephenie's whole tribe was decimated during her time in Palau and calls her the teams cryptonite. Colby and Tom come to her defense, revealing their allegiance to one another. Pause it: For Tom to be such a hero, he sure has a yellow belly. If he loves Steph so much, why wait until Colby sticks his neck out first? Cirie points out that Amanda did cost her a million dollars, so there's no alliance among those who have played the game together. Pause it: Sounds like Cirie needs some antiseptic for that old wound. In a vote of 6-3, Stephenie is the second Hero voted out of the game. I honestly thought she'd make it farther than 19th place. Must've been the eyebrows.

THE SCORECARD

The tribe has spoken: Obviously Amanda has not learned anything from her previous times on "Survivor". Even behind those glasses, you could still see her making those puppy dog eyes as if she's waiting at the shelter to be adopted. Stop being such a wimp, Mandy! ... I find it HI-larious that Russell is so star-struck (and jealous) over Rob. This is the same guy whose strategy was about mind control, but it looks like Rob is the one who has Russell under his spell.

CHANNEL SURFING

• It's still thundering on "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00). UGH!!! I know that shouldn't even be my main concern, but as someone who grew up in the south and a six-year Seattle resident, I know what real storms sound like and the sound of thunder is rarely heard in these parts. ANYWAY ... the staff of Seattle Grace has to sit through a series of lectures from their colleagues - Bailey, Callie and Chief Weber. Interesting look at how some of their former patients and peers shaped their lives. Bailey used to be a "minnow," now she's a shark. She called her overbearing then-attendant a "supercilious fool". Pause it: Sliding that one in my pocket for later use. Callie helped a man with polio walk again then celebrated by sleeping with Alex Karev. He really has slept with practically every doctor on staff. We were also given a glimpse of how the Chief became an alcoholic. Good episode full of '80s music and bad wigs.
• "Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00): It's about time the designers were given a task with substance. This time around they had to create an age-appropriate kids look and it's the battle of edgy meets Easter dress. Some designers loved the idea of working with kids clothes, while others *cough* Jonathan *cough* were coming apart at the seams. "That one little child made me so nervous that now I stink," Jonathan says as he sniffs his armpits. To make matters worse, Tim tells them they also have to make a companion look for the adult models. Vancouver's own Seth Aaron wins the challenge for his biker baby outfit while Jeaneane from Portland is sent home for her underdesigned, plain Jane frock.

Settling the score

I just finished watching the Direct TV Season 4 finale of "Friday Night Lights". For the love of all things holy, if you don't watch this show when it premieres on NBC in April, you will be missing THE best show on television. I cheered, I cried, I laughed. There is no other show that makes me verklempt at the thought of it being cancelled. It also makes me angry that NBC didn't give "FNL" the proper chance to find its footing on the network. If you are a true TV Watch Party follower, you will watch "Friday Night Lights" in April. *Forcing you into an uncomfortable hug*

Here's what happened Thursday night on ...

"Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains" (CBS, 8:00): First, I must apologize to my coworkers who were subjected to my squeals, laughter and grunts while I watched the show online (off the clock, of course). Secondly, how freakin' excited is TV Watch Party to have a show that makes me giddy like a fat kid with cake? The Watch Party knows that "Survivor" is my all-time favorite reality show and I didn't realize how much I missed it until I heard Jeff Probst summing up the past 19 seasons.

There's been a lot of viewer comments floating around about the return of previous players. Pause it: I don't mind another All-Star season, although some of the player choices are a little suspect. Danielle who? Candace, really? Where is Yao-Man? What about Ozzy? Or even "Dreamz" for that matter? Sandra Diaz-Twine, a villain, says she's going to be meaner this time around. I barely even remember her speaking during her stint on Pearl Islands.

The show wastes no time putting the castaways to the test in a very physical reward challenge. Probst says they're playing for fire, but we all know they're playing for bragging rights. The game is a brutal version of football, except they don't have any protective gear. Heroes Rupert and Stephenie both suffer injuries (him, a toe broken in three places and her a dislocated then relocated shoulder). Cirie was tossing the girls around left and right, while Sandra stripped Sugar of her bikini top. Too bad it didn't stop her from scoring a point for the Heroes. James completely bulldozed his competition and the Heroes win the first challenge.

Back at camp, the Heroes are sitting high on the hog when they manage to snag four chickens. Props to them for being smart enough to build a coop instead of eating them all on the first day. J.T and James form an instant alliance and Sandra and Boston Rob hit it off nicely over on the Villain's beach. Jerri and Coach are making a love connection. Throw in the "Dragon Slayer's" unrequited bromance with Rob and you've got yourself a "Survivor" love triangle. There is so much wheelin', dealin' and lovin' going on, it's hard to keep track.

At the immunity challenge, an exhausting land/water/puzzle contraption, the Heroes get off to an early lead, but blow it when they can't solve the four-layer puzzle. This time it's the Villains who prevail, coming from behind for the win. Rewind: Are all the challenges going to be "take-twos" from previous seasons?

As the Heroes prepare for Tribal Council, former castmates start pairing up, leaving Sugar on the outside looking in. Cirie, Stephenie and Amanda's names are thrown into the mix and it becomes strategy vs. strength when the tribe can't decide who's the bigger threat. Do they get rid of a strong mental player or the weakest physical tribe member? Sugar, who couldn't even figure out how to work the Tribal Council ink pen, is the first person voted out in a 9-1 vote.

Do you think the tribe made the right move or will the mental juggernauts manage to control the game? It's going to be one hell of a season!

Funny lines from the castaways

• "I'm a villain. I think villains are smarter than heroes because they don't mind stabbing someone in the back to get where they wanna get. It's a proven fact ... Google it." - Russell, Villain
• "I'm a gangster in a Oprah suit." - Cirie, Hero
• Hero Amanda explains her jitters: "You know, like before you bungee jump ..." Uh, no sweetie. Let me just stop you right there. I will never know that feeling because the only time I will ever be in a "right-before-you-bungee-jump" position is the day Jack Bauer pushes me off the top floor of a parking garage.

The tribe has spoken: There are a few things I need to get off my chest. Stephenie's eyebrows scare me. They always have. It's like they start on the bridge of her nose then make a run for her hairline. She and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas must have the same brow waxer ... How nice to see people show up in clothes they can actually play in ... I'm still in love with James. If I ever see that gravedigger on the street ... WHEW! I can't be held responsible for what happens to him. I'm just sayin'.

CHANNEL SURFING

• On "Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00), the designers must create a look for Heidi Klum to wear on the April cover of Marie Claire magazine. Pause it: I don't buy fashion magazines. I wait until an airline contacts me about unused frequent flyer miles then I cash them in for the free subscriptions. Flamboyant Anthony reels in his tacky and produces a beautiful, structured cocktail dress for the win. Anna is auf'ed after she designs an outfit that I've seen a hundred times in the Jr. Miss department of Nordstrom. Of course the best line of the night goes to Anthony: "Life isn't fair so why in the hell should "Project Runway" be?"
• I really need the set director/writer people to get it right on "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00). IT DOES NOT THUNDER IN SEATTLE!!!
• I finally got caught up on "High School Reunion" (TV Land, Wed., 9:00). It's great that all the couples are finding love or whatnot, but to guilt ladies man Antanus into proposing to his girlfriend of four years was a little over the top. You can't make someone be ready for marriage. But what do I know? He proposed. Feel free to leave that player's card on the table, Antanus.

Seeing Double

Sorry for the late posting. My laptop and I got into a huge fight last night. It won. Here are some highlights (and low ones) from Thursday:

"The Deep End" (ABC, 8:00): Definitely a low. I can't believe ABC put this poorly acted, poorly written and richly uninteresting story on the air. When I think a show is bad, it's really bad cause I'll watch pretty much anything. But I could barely get through this train wreck, which basically took the dialogue from the pilot episode of "Grey's Anatomy" and copied it almost word for word.

Pause it: The show has already been dubbed "'Grey's Anatomy' with lawyers". Why confirm that by copying every plot point right down to two characters who barely know each other having sex on the floor a la Derek and Meredith? Even the most original line referenced "Grey's": "I'd rather have a colonoscopy at a teaching hospital." The final straw for me was having Kate Burton, who played Meredith's mother, as a guest star. C'mon!

The show follows a group of recent Ivy-League law graduates who enter the working world as associates at a big law firm. The only reason I tuned in was because Tina Majorino, left, is one of the young lawyers. Most people may remember her as glamour-shot-picture taking Deb from "Napoleon Dynamite", but for me she will forever be Molly Singer from "Corrina, Corrina", one of my all-time favorite movies. Majorino plays Addy, the female version of George O'Malley. The show also has a Bailey-esque character, a not-so-McDreamy and an Izzie with red hair.

It's going to be hard for this show to establish itself as something new if they continue to pair it with "Grey's" and "Private Practice". I guess for now, ABC Thursdays will just be three hours of hot doctors and lawyers who care too much and speak too fast.

"Project Runway" (Lifetime, Thurs., 10:00): I missed the first few minutes but I was able to jump right in. Following the tradition of making functional garments out of unconventional materials, the designers had to turn a plain potato sack in to a party look for their models. To make matters worse, the models got to pick the designers instead of the other way around.

Some of the instructions must have been lost in translation because Jesus and Ping, right, struggled on the challenge. Jesus skirted (tee hee) around the rules by covering his sack with some crazy, sewn-together ribbon crap and Ping thought the models were dressing for a country pasture party. Her dress was bland and the model's booty was hanging out of the back.

Jay couldn't pull it together and was only half done with his dress at the end of day one. But he rallied and came up with a beautiful, black cocktail dress. Ben's produced a hot little number that you could see you any red carpet, but it was Amy's burnt burlap look that I wanted to see hanging in my closet. (And hang is what it would do because I have too many rolls to wear my back out like that).

On the runway, the judges call out Jay, Mila, Amy and Pamela, along with Jesus and Ping. They all loved Amy's dress, but the win went to Jay. I really wanted Amy to win because her dress looked expensive but you could still tell it was a potato sack. Ping made it through even though her dress came with a built-in air conditioner, leaving Pamela and Jesus in the bottom two.

Pamela's dress wasn't the best designed garment, but the denim dye job she put on it was fantastic. It really looked like a jean dress. Jesus, on the other hand, completely missed the point of the challenge but the judges kept him around for another week. He'd better churn out some awesome clothes next week or I'm revolting. It's his second time and we're only 2 weeks in!

Finishing touches: I'm really hating the way the camera cuts to the designers when the models hit the runway. The whole point of the show is to see these cool clothes! Who cares about the designer's reaction?

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00): I hope this was Izzie's last episode. I was glad to see Karev give her the heave-ho! Now if only Shonda Rhimes would do the same, that would be one giant step for "Grey's" lovers. Get rid of her already!!!!
• On "Private Practice" (ABC, 10:00), Maya announced she's pregnant - at the tender age of 15. Naomi wanted to force her into having an abortion, even though it's completely against her beliefs. Audra McDonald was phenomenal and I could feel her hand across my face when she slapped Maya. I'm hoping this storyline breathes some much needed life into this flatlining show.

Changing tides

I'm batting a thousand this week. Last night my power went out and tonight I set my VCR for the wrong channel. I had to wait for ABC to upload the shows. Please forgive me. I have vacation on the brain.

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): Russell, Russell, Russell! You sly devil, you! I actually found myself rooting for the guy. Anyone who goes out and finds yet another immunity idol without a clue should pass go and head straight to the final two. After returning from Tribal Council, Russell realizes he's in big trouble. He knows his only hope is to find another idol, but Erik took his back to the ponderosa. At least I thought that was the one he was referring to. Rewind: If I remember the rules correctly, once a hidden immunity idol is flushed out it can be put back into play. Kudos to Russell for reading his rule book.

At the reward challenge, Aiga is divided into two teams and the winners are treated to a waterslide and a feast. The purple team (Monica, Dave, John, Shambo and Kelly) wins reward and they later find it comes with a clue to another hidden idol. They all agree to share the information with only Galu members, but by this time, Russell had already found it hidden under a bridge. He confides in Shambo that he's found the idol and she agrees to keep her mouth shut if they can vote off Laura. Cut to Laura smoking her competition at the immunity challenge. Time for plan B.

Russell tell his Foa Squared friends that he has the idol and they should allow Galu to write his name down. Foa will vote for Kelly, he'll play the idol and once the votes cast against him are void, she will go home in a blindside. I held my breath for the entire vote count! It is very rare on this show that someone comes up with a plan and manages to carry it out in such a masterful way. I hated Russ in the beginning but he's definitely won my respect for finding countless ways to outwit his competitors. The idol goes back into play and I can only hope Probst can find a crewmember who's better at hiding that thing. If Russ finds it for a third time I'll know the show is rigged.

Pause it: Even though she's on my fantasy team, Monica has been pretty useless the whole game. The one time she comes up with a good idea (to have a backup plan in case Russell has the idol) her Galu tribe tells her it's impossible that he'd have it. Smooth move guys. Smooth.

"CSI: Trilogy" (CBS, 9:00): When I first heard that the CSI franchise would be doing a crossover event I was really excited. It's been a long time coming and I was excited to see what kind of case would tie the three cities together. MAJOR LETDOWN! Wamp, wamp. Since we're talking about a trilogy, here are the three things I learned from this crossover:

1. Horatio Caine still sucks. He has always sucked and will continue to suck until they shut down the Miami lab. "CSI: Miami" is the weakest of the franchise, but I continue to watch out of brand loyalty.
2. The New York team runs a lot! They are constantly chasing down perps or running after something. They may want to invest in some Segways.
3. Even with it's revolving door of characters, the original "CSI:" is, and always will be, the best of the three. Vegas has the coolest cast, the best cases and the sexiest CSIs. I'm blowing kisses at you, Nick Stokes.

CHANNEL SURFING
On "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00), Christina is marking her territory in a pissing contest with the new cardio attending. She's focused on beating the new doctor in the operating room, but she'd better start paying attention because the new "cardio god" wants her man, Dr. Owen. Chief Webber fell off the wagon and decided the best thing is for him to step away from doing surgeries. I wonder if Meredith is going to use Webber's drinking problem as a way to make Derek the new chief.

From what I could see tonight, Meana Irina is going to win "Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00) even though her entire line is black, gray and tan. And what is up with all the oversized sweaters and coats they were all designing? You win one challenge with a luxe sweater now everyone is making them. Get inspired ladies!

Good grief

They say laughter is the best medicine. I think crying is too.

"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00): This show is at it's best when it brings out raw emotion the way this episode did. Maybe it was because it centered around children, but I was a big, sobbing mass of sob. Ms. McCrybaby. Susie Sob-a-lot. You catch my drift.

Chief Webber forces Arizona to perform surgery on a kid who should have died 2 years ago. His filthy rich parents were donating $25 million to Seattle Grace Mercy West (say that five times fast) to find a cure for their son's disease. Wallace, beautifully played by Khamani Griffin, had been hospitalized for 7 months and on the verge of celebrating his 11th birthday. The surgery is successful but sepsis sets in and Wallace dies. On his birthday. Pause it: You're free to let your tears start flowing now.

I could never be a doctor, let alone a pediatric surgeon. One, I'm not tall enough. Two, how can you treat a kid for an extended period of time and not get attached? Arizona saw a patient when all Chief Webber could see was dollar signs. I completely lost it when she asked the parents if they wanted to see their son, and the mom did her bedtime ritual with him. When she became too overwhelmed with grief, Arizona finished it for her. "You have to do it three times or it won't work" is what Wallace would say. By this time, I had already soaked one sleeve and went to grab the tissues. With all the new cast members and chaos at Seattle Grace, it was nice to get a quiet episode for a change.

What did you think about Webber's tactics? Would you have performed the surgery if you were Arizona? Let's get some laughter in here!! I'm going to ...

"The Office" (NBC, 9:00): Jim and Pam get roped into a double date with Michael and Helene, Pam's mother. When he realizes how old she is, he dumps her over the birthday cake, prompting Pam to avenge her mom's heartbreak. She bullies Michael in to letting her punch him to make her feel better, but when Michael apologizes, she just smacks him instead. Who writes this stuff?

Dwight and Andy try to one up each other in a game of "return the favor". Dwight can be annoying sometimes, but I swear he comes up with some of the most outlandish explanations. When Michael suggest fishsticks are an aphrodisiac, Dwight responds, "You're thinking about deer penis." Again, who writes this stuff?

"Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion: Part 2" (Bravo, 9:00): The peaches were definitely a lot less combative this go 'round. They must have brought out the alcohol. Outside of hearing Kim butcher her own song the most revealing (and a little too much information) moment was Kim announcing that Dwight has a penile implant. I could've gone my whole adult life without ever knowing that. Excuse me while I gouge my eyes out.

Know your limits

Thursday night television brought a lot of excess: wealth, exhaustion, lesbian kissing. Sometimes people just don't know when to quit, but hospitalization and foreclosure may be a good place to start.

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): Fifteen days have passed since the contestants landed at Samoa and it's been pouring rain for at least eight. Galu chief Russell works through the downpour while everyone else is trying to keep warm. At the challenge, the tribes learn that win or lose, both teams will be going to tribal counsel and voting someone off. Galu's Russell passes out on top of the puzzle, and at first it looks as though he's just winded. In what Jeff Probst calls "his scariest moment in 19 seasons of 'Survivor'", Russell's heart rate and blood pressure plummets and he faints with his eyes wide open. For the first time in the show's history, a challenge is called, no one wins the reward, and no one gets sent home.

I have a lot of thoughts about what went down tonight. First off, when you know someone is working too hard, even if he is the leader, wouldn't you be a little more forceful in making them sit down and take a break? Even the president takes a vacation. And what was up with offering pizza as the reward. These people have been living in a torrential downpour for a week! Why not offer that tarp that Galu passed on? Lastly, Russell cried like a beeyotch when told the game was over for him. I know people try out for this show multiple times before they finally make it, but I'm 99.9% sure Russell's family would've rather he come home without the million than in a "Survivor" body bag. It's just a game people!

"Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00): There are only seven designers left and we're down to the last threads. Tonight's challenge was to create a design based on a location that inspires them. Pause it: Actually, the locations are places that inspire Michael Kors, but you get the point. Local boy Logan is last picked and gets stuck with Hollywood as his locale. He decides to make a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top with suspenders. Give me a minute while I take a nap because Logan is boring me to sleep. That outfit says Fremont, not Hollywood. Irina takes another win with her furry Aspen fantasy and Nicolas is out with a look that was not Greek to me.

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Bravo, 10:00): The season two finale served as a wrap up to the first season as we see how the ladies have progressed over the past year (not too far, I must say). Here's where the housewives leave off:

• Lisa and Ed are forced to "restructure" now that Ed's no longer playing in the NFL for $3 million a year. They decide the best thing for them financially is to move into Ed's nine-acre bachelor pad that he's been using as storage. Lisa calls it downsizing. I call it foreclosed property within the next 6 months.
• Sheree finally launches her clothing line She by Sheree. It seemed as if Dwight saved the show, but by fashion-industry standards it would still be considered a hot mess. The clothes lacked cohesion and most of those looks had been done before. If this were "Project Runway" she would be out.
• Kim is still bragging that she's engaged to Big Poppa, but can you be engaged when your fiance is still married? Her song may be number three on the iTunes dance chart, but Kim is still a zero in my book. Who drinks wine at 11 a.m.? I don't even eat eggs that early.
• Newest castmember Kandi was finally able to see some resolution between her mom and fiance A.J., so that makes it even more sad to know he was killed a few weeks ago. Shame on Bravo for not editing out A.J.'s scenes. I like Kandi because was the most relatable woman on the show this season. I hope she can move beyond her tragedy and come back for another season.
• My girl NeNe really disappointed me this season. Instead of being the tell-it-like-it-is diva that I came to love, she came off as an egotistical bitch. I'm glad she was able to get peace in her paternity issue, but her attitude offset my joy for her. Sorry NeNe, it's you that needs to be checked, boo.

CHANNEL SURFING
Maybe I'm not paying enough attention when it's on, but "Flash Forward" (ABC, 8:00) is losing it's luster for me. Tonight's big reveal was that the agent whose flash forward brought about the whole mosaic thing may have been drunk at the time. The only thing I found interesting was the reporter asking the president what he saw in his flash forward. It certainly would've been helpful if this had happened in real life, before we went searching for those weapons of mass destruction. Just keeping it real.

On "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00), a burn victim dies in the ER for no apparent reason and the story unfolds from the multiple points of view of the doctors who treated her. Even though the plot was a recycled episode of "ER", this was one of the best episodes they've had in a while. The patient died after one of the doctors missed a simple step in her initial exam, and it made me wonder how many people lose their lives because the doctor didn't check their throats or press on their bellies or look at their pupils. But, the thing that most disturbed me was that Lexie is supposed to have a photographic memory. Why didn't the panel just ask her to recap the whole scene and fill in the blanks using testimony from the other doctors? Just an observation.

Thursday all atwitter

Wednesday's blog was too long so here's a Thursday night rundown, Twitter style. They're not 140 characters, but at least all the words are spelled out.

"The Office" (NBC, 9:00): Jim and a 5-months-pregnant Pam tie knot in cutest wedding ever! We waited a long time for this day! In true Dunder Mifflin style, their coworkers made the day about themselves. When the wedding plans head south, Jim and Pam elope aboard a Niagra Falls tour boat, allowing them to keep their sacred moment private. Could Jim be any more precious?

"Flash Forward" (ABC, 8:00): Imprisoned Nazi thinks he knows why world blacked out for 137 seconds. Apparently it's Madonna's fault. If you write the word "Kabbalah" in Hebrew, the letters are given numbers and the numbers add up to 137. Pause it: The future is determined through numerology? I could've called the Psychic Friends Hotline for that. Said Nazi was lying but did see mass of dead crows during the blackout. It's revealed the same thing happened in 1991 in Somalia complete with bright light and rolling clouds.

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): Galu wins chickens in bocce ball reward challenge. Shambo proceeds to let a chicken escape. Foa Foa finally wins immunity. Erik finds immunity idol on Galu's beach. Did the production crew even try to hide them? Yasmin sent packing, wearing a nice pair of heels. Why did I pick Monica for my fantasy team? Now she's outed as a weak competitor instead of flying under the radar until the merge. Pause it: Slapping Monica with her Tribal Council torch.

"Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00): Designers must make an outfit for newly divorced women using their old wedding gowns, $25 and 2 yards of fabric. Shirin's divorcee had the most boring dress with the least amount of fabric. Seattle's own Logan gets too ambitious and turns in crap as usual. He lands in the bottom two with Epperson but manages to stay in. Gordana wins immunity with her chic, edgy dress that a girl my size could never pull off.

"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC; 9:00): Daddy Grey enters hospital in need of liver transplant. Little Grey is not a match and Dark, Gloomy Grey refuses to help. Meredith finally caves and gives absentee daddy a piece of her liver (and mind). Pause it: Would you donate an organ to an estranged family member? I probably would, but it would cost 'em. Christina is jockeying for surgeries and asks the chief to cut her from program if she can't use her gifts. Alex wants to move away from nature and back in with Meredith, but Izzie wants to "keep moving forward". Alex relents, Izzie changes mind. Guess they'll be house hunting in Ballard next week. Funniest line of the episode goes to 82-year-old penile implant patient: "There's gotta be more to life than eating pudding and watching "CSI".
Nice shout-out to your time slot competition.

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" (Bravo, 10:00): NeNe puts on a high-heel marathon for battered women. Kandi gets record deal with Capitol Records. Lisa isn't pregnant. And two seasons later, Sheree is still trying to put on a fashion show. Give it up, Sheree. You clothing line is D.O.A. Some light humor commentary from Sheree, exasperated with party planner Dwight: "It's not He by Dwight, it's She by Sheree. I'm the head diva in charge." Sorry, diva. You have no taste.

Wednesday leftovers: Funny lines heard on "Modern Family" (ABC, 9:00).

• Snob Mitchell to partner Cameron after being introduced to Costco: "... Guess what I found! Coffins! They sell baby formula and they sell coffins. You can literally buy everything you need from birth to death."
• Cameron, comparing himself to Costco: " Yeah, I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you not to like me."