Love lockdown

Sundays are becoming such a bore. Only one more week before "24" returns to shake things up a bit. Here's what happened:

"Cold Case" (CBS, 9:00): In 2005, an Army recruiter was found shot in an alley just two days before he was set to deploy for Iraq. In the initial investigation, Michael Donley was written off as a disgraced soldier who was shot after robbing a pawn shop. The roundup of suspects included a handful of recruits Donley was helping, along with their angry parents, a cheating spouse and a grieving father whose son died during deployment. Rush and Valens finally figure out he was murdered by one of his female recruits who felt he was deserting her to go off to war. Pause it: She really wanted the Army signing bonus.

It should certainly be clear by now how I feel about soldiers, although this wasn't one of those episodes that tug at the heartstrings. It focused more on the darker side of the Army - asking high school kids to sign up during a time of war. At least this recruiter had some sympathy about what he was doing. "My place is over there with those kids I send," he explained to his would-be killer. I also learned an interesting term from this episode. A "Jody" is a higher-ranking soldier who doesn't go to combat, but stays home and "takes care of" your wife for you. I wonder if they get workman's comp for that.

Rewind: When did Lily Rush get a ready-made family? They just brought the girl's daddy back last season. I don't remember them introducing a half-brother and a stepmom, but now she's sitting down to dinner with them like they have known each other for years. And were they having full-on meal at 2:00 am? I thought so.

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): I knew it was just a matter of time before the writers found a way to work in Teri Hatcher's love of pole dancing as exercise. At the reading of ex-husband Karl's will (he was the character who died last week), Susan was surprised to learn that the man who had cheated on her their entire marriage, left her part ownership of a strip club. Pause it: The Double Ds Gentlemen's Club ... certainly makes me think about exercise. Susan learns from one of the strippers that Mike is a regular at the club and later tries to forbid him from going back. Mike protests that the club is a client of his plumbing business and he won't be told what to do. Cut to Teri Hat ...er, Susan stripping to prove her point.

I know TV shows like to give it's actors a chance to show off some of their other skills but c'mon now! Pole dancing? We've seen her do it on Letterman. We've seen her do it on Oprah. What I would really like to see her doing is putting her head inside an oven with the gas on. I'm just saying.

Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane: Tom volunteers to fill in for Lynette while she's recovering from losing the baby, but all she can worry about is not having a job after she gives birth. You know how she likes to wear the pants in the Scavo house ... Bree's minister guilts her into bringing Orson home and taking care of him to atone for her affair with Karl. Orson's initial angry soon turned into contempt and he's planning on running Bree ragged as his personal home-health aide. And in the funniest plot of the episode, Gabby's daughter Juanita learns she's not what she thought she was. "We're Mexican? I thought we were American!" Gabby asks, "How could you not know you were Mexican? We eat Mexican food all the time!" Juanita replies, "We eat Chinese food, too. Does that mean I'm Chinese?" Checkmate.

It's about time this show recognized that the Solis family are the only brown people on Wisteria Lane. Yes, there was that black family a few seasons ago, ironically called the Applewhites, but we all know how that ended! Umm hmm! I wonder what would happen if some Abdullahs moved next door. Now that would be a block party worth going to.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): A Watch Party viewer pointed out how this show is becoming more and more like a soap opera each week and after this episode, I have to agree. I can't even remember one plot that was worth remembering other than Holly trying to take down the Walker family. Pause it: That's so "Dynasty" circa 1984. I can still enjoy the show for what it's worth, but there is still one thing that is driving me insane: Justin's facial expressions. Or should I say expression - he only has one and he's making it in this picture.

The best part of the show for me was seeing one of my favorite child actors in a small guest role. Khamani Griffin was the cutie pie son of Eddie Murphy in the movie "Daddy Day Care". He was also the little kid on "Grey's Anatomy" that had me sobbing for hours. He was really adorable as Bobby Jr. on the show "All of Us" so I'm hoping he's going to grow into those rabbit teeth he's developing. I guess it's not just seniors who get "long in the tooth."

"The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00): The show picks up with Jermaine still throwing a tantrum over his failed tribute concert for Michael. Ever the comedian, Marlon quips, "The only thing I know about Vienna is the Vienna sausages we used to eat in Gary." The episode was a revolving door of funny lines so I barely noticed if it had a storyline or not. I don't even have to waste time ragging on Jermaine because his brothers did it for me.

The guys head to a fish market to buy meat for grilling, Jackie points to a bug-eyed fish and says that's what Jermaine's pink eye looked like. Later, Tito marinates the steaks with red wine, even though Muslim convert Jermaine doesn't drink. In his confessional time he say he hopes his brother doesn't see this episode and finishes it off with "As-Salamu Alaykum". Hi-larious! Other funny lines from the show:

• "Y'all are flatter than y'all woman's ass!" - Tito, politely telling his brothers they sound out of tune.
• "Jermaine is right ... when you're doing a 'Jermaine Jackson' record. Right now you're doing a record with the Jacksons." - Marlon, after Jermaine claims they should be trying to sound like him.

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I guess "Ghost Whisperer" (CBS, Fri., 8:00) must be running out of storylines for Melinda. They already have a professor who can hear ghosts, and now we have Delia's son Ned who is majoring in occult sciences so that he can "sense" them. And when can we get back to the sappy and sentimental "GW"? It's too dark and twisted now.

Casting couch: That was Kadeem Hardison, aka Dwayne Wayne, from 90s sitcom "A Different World" playing the radio DJ in the flashback sequence. It's a different world indeed.

After these messages: If you squint hard enough, the lady in the Crestor commercials looks like Madam Secretary Hillary Clinton ... The previews for ABC's new dramedy "The Deep End" look like "Grey's Anatomy" with lawyers.

On death's door

Happy New Year and welcome back to the TV Watch Party! I hope you brought your appetites because we're gearing up for the winter premieres. Disclaimer: TV Watch Party will not be held responsible for any addictions you may develop after watching new TV shows and will not hold your hand when you try to get rid of your habit. At TV Watch Party, we don't quit shows. They quit us.

It was a dreary way to kick off the new season. Every show I watched had someone knocking on death's door. Keep reading to see who got a reprieve and who's six feet under.

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): The season picks up with the aftermath of the overly-hyped plane crash. The promos kept saying someone important would die, but once they revealed who it was I was like 'shruggsies'. The episode was a little like "A Christmas Carol" where all the characters were given a chance to see what their lives would've been like if they had made different choices. Pause it: That ghost visits me every other Friday when I look at my pay stub.

All of Wisteria Lane is at the hospital waiting to see who survived. Bree is banged up but OK and Orson has a spinal injury that may leave him paralyzed, but it was manwhore Karl who got a one way ticket to Hades. When word begins to spread about his demise, Susan dreams what her life would've been like if she had never divorced Karl. Her vision came as Teri Hatcher in a very convincing fat suit. Susan has always been my least favorite character but I'll admit that I did chuckle when she yelled at Karl after he announced he would be doing the leaving. "I can't even get a 'Hey, Susan! Thanks for wasting the best years of your life while I went out and banged everything with a G.E.D. and a tramp stamp!'?" Bree, who happened to be one of Karl's belt notches, had thoughts of her future if Karl hadn't died. You don't have to be a psychic to know how that would've turned out. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Karl cheated on Susan and in Bree's dream she caught him in bed with her yoga instructor.

After Lynette starts experiencing labor pains, she's told that her twins are in trouble. Her tale seemed to be intertwined with Gaby's dream since saving Gaby's daughter's life was what landed her in the emergency room. The ladies have been fighting ever since they filed lawsuits against each other, but when Lynette loses one of the twins they reunite to share in her pain. Rewind: I thought this plane crash was going to be the writer's way of putting an end to this ridiculous pregnancy storyline, but they obviously ignored the changes I made on the script. Nobody wants to see babies die, but c'mon! Lynette has 4 kids already (5 if you count her husband)!! I think her uterus deserves a break.

"Desperate Housewives" has lost it's steam from last season when they skipped ahead 5 years. It was a much-needed shot in the arm, but now I fear it's slipping back into a coma. And I'm hoping ABC has signed a D.N.R. (do not resusciate). Pull the plug and give this show a proper burial.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): While the women of Fairview were drowning in death, Kitty was pulled away from the bright light and escorted back to her hospital bed. In the fall-season ender, Kitty collapsed during Justin and Rebecca's wedding ceremony. Turns out she had a blood clot in her lung and the doctors say the chemo treatments aren't working. Her only option is a bone-marrow transplant, so the scramble is on to find her a matching donor.

Of course, none of the Walker siblings are a match. Of course. Nora is forced to beg half-brother Ryan, the product of her late husband's affair, to get tested and of course, he is a match. Of course. Pause it: Nora has 5 kids and you mean to tell me not one of them could've been a match? It may have been cliche, but a lot more poignant if Kitty had been saved by a stranger, or better yet, hateful Holly. How convenient to have a forgotten-about half sibling roaming around town. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so glad your father cheated on me," Nora says. It's all jealousy and anger until somebody needs a transfusion!

Kitty and Robert renew their vows then he drops his bid for governor. They spent all that time on Kitty's story when the real action was Holly confronting Ryan about tampering with the Ojai wine stock. It's about time someone wised up to what he's been doing. Too bad he wasn't smart enough to use that bone marrow to leverage his way out of the mess he's made.

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I will pay someone $5.00 if they can get me the name of the gooey gump that Jermaine styles his hair with. Seriously! I want to know what it takes to slick one's hair down like that but still manage to make it look like it's hollow inside! I'll bet if you thump it, it makes a sound.

On "The Jacksons: An American Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00), the brothers are preparing to see the premiere of "This is It". Tito agrees to walk the red carpet, but at the last minute he decides not to go in. So far he's the only brother to show any real emotion about Michael's death. His tears seem downright genuine compared to famewhore Jermaine who's still peeved that his Vienna tribute concert was cancelled. Dude, get over it! Nobody thinks you're interesting. And your skin looks like plastic.

One monkey don't stop the show

Sunday was a slow night.

"The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00): I debated whether or not I should watch this show. I totally turned into one of those rubber-neckers who wanted to see if the train was going off the track. It didn't derail, but the conductor (Jermaine) is clearly falling asleep at the wheel. All the brothers are listed as executive producers, so I can't be sure how "real" this reality show is going to be. Supposedly this show wasn't going to see the light of day, but after Michael died, A&E saw an opportunity to ride the wave of people cashing in. But in all honesty, I was excited to see the show when I heard about it, and that was way before Michael died. Too bad A&E felt the need to milk his death until the teat was dry.

The Jackson 5 is reuniting for their 40th anniversary, but it's been a long time since they've been on stage together. Pause it: Clearly that hyperbaric chamber works though, because they Jermaine and Jackie look frozen in time. It isn't clear if Michael was on board with the idea, but the brothers talked as if he would be joining them. *Cough* Fat chance *Cough*.

Here are a few things I learned about the Jackson brothers:

1. They know their roles. Jermaine is the fame whore, and proud of it. Tito is the hot head (like father, like son). Jackie is the calm one and Marlon is the comedian, although I found Tito to be quite funny.
2. Jermaine and Jackie don't get along that well, and both run and tattle to mommy when they don't get their way.
3. Jackie, Marlon and Tito are still bitter about Jermaine staying with Motown when they jumped labels to CBS. That was like, before I was born ... move on guys.
4. Tito is the only brother to never release a solo album. "I don't want to be a trivia question: Which brother of the Jackson 5 never released a solo album?"
5. Jackie always takes his daughter to business meetings because she's more vocal with her opinions than he is.

Here is a breakdown of what's real and what's not:

Real: Their talent. No one is disputing it, but to see that they still have it after 40 years is amazing. Not real: Jermaine's tribute concert in Vienna. If they do indeed reschedule that show I'll walk on my lips. Real: The miniseries "The Jacksons: An American Dream". Just from their conversations, they confirmed that the movie was factual. And if you haven't seen it already, go out and rent it ... or wait for VH1 to play it. Not real: Jermaine's hair. It looks like he took a bottle of gel and some shoe polish and used it as gel and hair color.

There's only 6 episodes to this series so I'll probably be sticking around for it. Mainly so I can hate on Jermaine. The other guys seem fairly genuine and funny, and in the words of Jackie, "One monkey don't stop the show," so I'm not going to let Jermaine's antics keep me from tuning in.