On death's door

Happy New Year and welcome back to the TV Watch Party! I hope you brought your appetites because we're gearing up for the winter premieres. Disclaimer: TV Watch Party will not be held responsible for any addictions you may develop after watching new TV shows and will not hold your hand when you try to get rid of your habit. At TV Watch Party, we don't quit shows. They quit us.

It was a dreary way to kick off the new season. Every show I watched had someone knocking on death's door. Keep reading to see who got a reprieve and who's six feet under.

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): The season picks up with the aftermath of the overly-hyped plane crash. The promos kept saying someone important would die, but once they revealed who it was I was like 'shruggsies'. The episode was a little like "A Christmas Carol" where all the characters were given a chance to see what their lives would've been like if they had made different choices. Pause it: That ghost visits me every other Friday when I look at my pay stub.

All of Wisteria Lane is at the hospital waiting to see who survived. Bree is banged up but OK and Orson has a spinal injury that may leave him paralyzed, but it was manwhore Karl who got a one way ticket to Hades. When word begins to spread about his demise, Susan dreams what her life would've been like if she had never divorced Karl. Her vision came as Teri Hatcher in a very convincing fat suit. Susan has always been my least favorite character but I'll admit that I did chuckle when she yelled at Karl after he announced he would be doing the leaving. "I can't even get a 'Hey, Susan! Thanks for wasting the best years of your life while I went out and banged everything with a G.E.D. and a tramp stamp!'?" Bree, who happened to be one of Karl's belt notches, had thoughts of her future if Karl hadn't died. You don't have to be a psychic to know how that would've turned out. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Karl cheated on Susan and in Bree's dream she caught him in bed with her yoga instructor.

After Lynette starts experiencing labor pains, she's told that her twins are in trouble. Her tale seemed to be intertwined with Gaby's dream since saving Gaby's daughter's life was what landed her in the emergency room. The ladies have been fighting ever since they filed lawsuits against each other, but when Lynette loses one of the twins they reunite to share in her pain. Rewind: I thought this plane crash was going to be the writer's way of putting an end to this ridiculous pregnancy storyline, but they obviously ignored the changes I made on the script. Nobody wants to see babies die, but c'mon! Lynette has 4 kids already (5 if you count her husband)!! I think her uterus deserves a break.

"Desperate Housewives" has lost it's steam from last season when they skipped ahead 5 years. It was a much-needed shot in the arm, but now I fear it's slipping back into a coma. And I'm hoping ABC has signed a D.N.R. (do not resusciate). Pull the plug and give this show a proper burial.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): While the women of Fairview were drowning in death, Kitty was pulled away from the bright light and escorted back to her hospital bed. In the fall-season ender, Kitty collapsed during Justin and Rebecca's wedding ceremony. Turns out she had a blood clot in her lung and the doctors say the chemo treatments aren't working. Her only option is a bone-marrow transplant, so the scramble is on to find her a matching donor.

Of course, none of the Walker siblings are a match. Of course. Nora is forced to beg half-brother Ryan, the product of her late husband's affair, to get tested and of course, he is a match. Of course. Pause it: Nora has 5 kids and you mean to tell me not one of them could've been a match? It may have been cliche, but a lot more poignant if Kitty had been saved by a stranger, or better yet, hateful Holly. How convenient to have a forgotten-about half sibling roaming around town. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so glad your father cheated on me," Nora says. It's all jealousy and anger until somebody needs a transfusion!

Kitty and Robert renew their vows then he drops his bid for governor. They spent all that time on Kitty's story when the real action was Holly confronting Ryan about tampering with the Ojai wine stock. It's about time someone wised up to what he's been doing. Too bad he wasn't smart enough to use that bone marrow to leverage his way out of the mess he's made.

CHANNEL SURFING
I will pay someone $5.00 if they can get me the name of the gooey gump that Jermaine styles his hair with. Seriously! I want to know what it takes to slick one's hair down like that but still manage to make it look like it's hollow inside! I'll bet if you thump it, it makes a sound.

On "The Jacksons: An American Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00), the brothers are preparing to see the premiere of "This is It". Tito agrees to walk the red carpet, but at the last minute he decides not to go in. So far he's the only brother to show any real emotion about Michael's death. His tears seem downright genuine compared to famewhore Jermaine who's still peeved that his Vienna tribute concert was cancelled. Dude, get over it! Nobody thinks you're interesting. And your skin looks like plastic.