Don't let the hat fool you

I have a new love interest. Ever since me and my laptop started having problems, I've been hanging out with this new guy named Firefox. He's really fast and I like the way he lets me cut and paste whenever I want to. Ahhh! The joys of young love. Here's what went on Sunday night:

"The Amazing Race" (CBS, Sun., 8:00): Is it just me or was this one of the fastest legs ever run on the race? After last week's disappointing dismissal of Granny Shannies, I was damn near praying that the Sexy Lezzies, left, would clock out. That prayer would've been too easy. Team 8 Seconds continued to show they are a force to be reckoned with, remaining calm and working well together. Meanwhile, other teams slowly creep toward that inevitable point of implosion.

The racers leave Chile and prepare for a six-hour bus ride through the Andes mountains. When the Lezzies arrive at the station, they immediately begin grilling 8 Seconds on how they managed to catch an earlier bus on the last leg. "I like someone to care about me and I didn't get that warm, fuzzy feeling," says Cord. Jet finishes with "A ‘Hey, how ya doing’ would’ve been nice.” Fred and Velma are off to a rocky start, as Caite is sick with food poisoning. Instead of leaving at their allotted time, they head to a local hospital. They arrive at the bus station three hours later and luckily for them, all the other teams are still waiting.

In Bariloche, Argentina, teams must play a game of five-card stud against the Travelocity roaming gnome. Pause it: That gnome is probably the one thing I hate about this show. It's so freaking scary! And not like 'there's-a-bug-on-you' scary. I'm talking 'Stephen-King-clowns-from-'It' scary! I'll admit I was one of those people who thought 8 Seconds was just a couple of country bumpkins, with their southern drawl and big belt buckles, but they continually surprise me. They are smart enough to seek out help from the locals and had directions in hand when they arrived. But how cute was it when they were in awe of the snow-capped mountains. You're a long way from Oklahoma, fellas. Driving through the mountains, most teams decided to follow behind the cowboys but they were crafty enough to pull over and let the other teams pass, so as not to tip their hand. Still at the back of the pack, Don't Ask, Won't Tell cant drive a stick, while Fred and Velma struggled with directions. Pause it: I'm sure it's because most Americans don't have maps, tee hee.

The racers breeze through five-card stud, but at the Road Block, teams were hog tied in a steer-roping challenge. That is, everyone except 8 Seconds, who lasso the hay bale on the second try. They head to the next challenge leaving the other teams whining in tangled masses of rope. Ambulance Chasers, lawyer/moms Monique and Shawne, struggle most of the afternoon and spend a majority of the leg trying to rope that steer.

8 Seconds opens their clue revealing the Detour: Horse Sense or Horse Power. Teams must choose between counting steps using an old-time compass to find stolen bags of money or attempting to score a goal in a polo match using nine swings or less. Of course they opt for riding the horse in a polo match. Too bad it's wooden. The Lezzies go for the money bags but end up bickering when they lack testosterone to counter all that estrogen. “That’s a nice temper tantrum,” Brandy yells to Carol. “We’re not communicating very well at all.” Pause it: It's no wonder they're not communicating well. They've only been dating for five months. I'll give them another two before their next Pit Stop - Splitsville. The Ambulance Chasers continue their downward spiral as they attempt the polo match but end up switching to the compass challenge when they can't score a goal.

At the Pit Stop, 8 Seconds rides into first place for the second time, winning a 10-day trip to Patagonia. Father/daughter Team No Name (Steve and Allie) grab second and the Lezzies drag in at third. The Ambulance Chasers finally complete the task but not fast enough. They finish in last place and the sun sets on their amazing race. I'm serious, it literally set. They didn't finish the challenge until the sun went down. Next up: Germany, where teams trace the early steps of the legendary Beatles.

Geography lesson: The Pit Stop for this leg of the race is Estancia Fortin Chacabuco, a sweeping ranch at the foot of the Andes mountains.

Fun funnies:

• After getting beat multiple times by the gnome at five-card stud, Cord jokes, “That gnome has a poker face that's out of this world ... He should go to Vegas.”
• When the Sexy Lezzies complain that the roping challenge gave the cowboys an unfair advantage, they retort, "We didn't throw a fit because they speak spanish."
• Steve to his daughter Allie after she asks him what hurts: "I'm 57 years old! What isn't hurting?"
  

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• On "Undercover Boss" (CBS, 9:00), Dave Rife, one of the owners of the White Castle hamburger chain, says he hopes he's not recognized by his employees when he goes undercover. Does it not clearly state at the start of the show that CEOs are out of touch with their businesses? Why do these bosses think they would be easily recognizable? Unless you're Ronald McDonald, nobody knows you, dude!
• "Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): Anyone who watches soap operas know that they don't air during breakfast. Are the ABC set directors on vacation? First it was thunder in Seattle. Now it's bad time elements. You'd think a network that airs three soaps between the hours of noon and 4 p.m. would know that nothing is on that early except cartoons and talk shows. Get it together, people!
  
• I hope the team put in for overtime on "Cold Case" (CBS, 10:00). Not only did they solve a two-year-old case involve the death of a cold-footed groom, they did it during a wedding reception, no less. That should at least get them time and a half.

Love lockdown

Sundays are becoming such a bore. Only one more week before "24" returns to shake things up a bit. Here's what happened:

"Cold Case" (CBS, 9:00): In 2005, an Army recruiter was found shot in an alley just two days before he was set to deploy for Iraq. In the initial investigation, Michael Donley was written off as a disgraced soldier who was shot after robbing a pawn shop. The roundup of suspects included a handful of recruits Donley was helping, along with their angry parents, a cheating spouse and a grieving father whose son died during deployment. Rush and Valens finally figure out he was murdered by one of his female recruits who felt he was deserting her to go off to war. Pause it: She really wanted the Army signing bonus.

It should certainly be clear by now how I feel about soldiers, although this wasn't one of those episodes that tug at the heartstrings. It focused more on the darker side of the Army - asking high school kids to sign up during a time of war. At least this recruiter had some sympathy about what he was doing. "My place is over there with those kids I send," he explained to his would-be killer. I also learned an interesting term from this episode. A "Jody" is a higher-ranking soldier who doesn't go to combat, but stays home and "takes care of" your wife for you. I wonder if they get workman's comp for that.

Rewind: When did Lily Rush get a ready-made family? They just brought the girl's daddy back last season. I don't remember them introducing a half-brother and a stepmom, but now she's sitting down to dinner with them like they have known each other for years. And were they having full-on meal at 2:00 am? I thought so.

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00): I knew it was just a matter of time before the writers found a way to work in Teri Hatcher's love of pole dancing as exercise. At the reading of ex-husband Karl's will (he was the character who died last week), Susan was surprised to learn that the man who had cheated on her their entire marriage, left her part ownership of a strip club. Pause it: The Double Ds Gentlemen's Club ... certainly makes me think about exercise. Susan learns from one of the strippers that Mike is a regular at the club and later tries to forbid him from going back. Mike protests that the club is a client of his plumbing business and he won't be told what to do. Cut to Teri Hat ...er, Susan stripping to prove her point.

I know TV shows like to give it's actors a chance to show off some of their other skills but c'mon now! Pole dancing? We've seen her do it on Letterman. We've seen her do it on Oprah. What I would really like to see her doing is putting her head inside an oven with the gas on. I'm just saying.

Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane: Tom volunteers to fill in for Lynette while she's recovering from losing the baby, but all she can worry about is not having a job after she gives birth. You know how she likes to wear the pants in the Scavo house ... Bree's minister guilts her into bringing Orson home and taking care of him to atone for her affair with Karl. Orson's initial angry soon turned into contempt and he's planning on running Bree ragged as his personal home-health aide. And in the funniest plot of the episode, Gabby's daughter Juanita learns she's not what she thought she was. "We're Mexican? I thought we were American!" Gabby asks, "How could you not know you were Mexican? We eat Mexican food all the time!" Juanita replies, "We eat Chinese food, too. Does that mean I'm Chinese?" Checkmate.

It's about time this show recognized that the Solis family are the only brown people on Wisteria Lane. Yes, there was that black family a few seasons ago, ironically called the Applewhites, but we all know how that ended! Umm hmm! I wonder what would happen if some Abdullahs moved next door. Now that would be a block party worth going to.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): A Watch Party viewer pointed out how this show is becoming more and more like a soap opera each week and after this episode, I have to agree. I can't even remember one plot that was worth remembering other than Holly trying to take down the Walker family. Pause it: That's so "Dynasty" circa 1984. I can still enjoy the show for what it's worth, but there is still one thing that is driving me insane: Justin's facial expressions. Or should I say expression - he only has one and he's making it in this picture.

The best part of the show for me was seeing one of my favorite child actors in a small guest role. Khamani Griffin was the cutie pie son of Eddie Murphy in the movie "Daddy Day Care". He was also the little kid on "Grey's Anatomy" that had me sobbing for hours. He was really adorable as Bobby Jr. on the show "All of Us" so I'm hoping he's going to grow into those rabbit teeth he's developing. I guess it's not just seniors who get "long in the tooth."

"The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty" (A&E, 10:00): The show picks up with Jermaine still throwing a tantrum over his failed tribute concert for Michael. Ever the comedian, Marlon quips, "The only thing I know about Vienna is the Vienna sausages we used to eat in Gary." The episode was a revolving door of funny lines so I barely noticed if it had a storyline or not. I don't even have to waste time ragging on Jermaine because his brothers did it for me.

The guys head to a fish market to buy meat for grilling, Jackie points to a bug-eyed fish and says that's what Jermaine's pink eye looked like. Later, Tito marinates the steaks with red wine, even though Muslim convert Jermaine doesn't drink. In his confessional time he say he hopes his brother doesn't see this episode and finishes it off with "As-Salamu Alaykum". Hi-larious! Other funny lines from the show:

• "Y'all are flatter than y'all woman's ass!" - Tito, politely telling his brothers they sound out of tune.
• "Jermaine is right ... when you're doing a 'Jermaine Jackson' record. Right now you're doing a record with the Jacksons." - Marlon, after Jermaine claims they should be trying to sound like him.

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I guess "Ghost Whisperer" (CBS, Fri., 8:00) must be running out of storylines for Melinda. They already have a professor who can hear ghosts, and now we have Delia's son Ned who is majoring in occult sciences so that he can "sense" them. And when can we get back to the sappy and sentimental "GW"? It's too dark and twisted now.

Casting couch: That was Kadeem Hardison, aka Dwayne Wayne, from 90s sitcom "A Different World" playing the radio DJ in the flashback sequence. It's a different world indeed.

After these messages: If you squint hard enough, the lady in the Crestor commercials looks like Madam Secretary Hillary Clinton ... The previews for ABC's new dramedy "The Deep End" look like "Grey's Anatomy" with lawyers.

So amazing!

It's past midnight, officially making it my birthday! Is it lame that I'm blogging about TV instead of going out to celebrate? Good, I didn't think so. Plenty of time for that later. Let's get on with it ...

"The Amazing Race" (CBS, 8:00): After the elimination of my beloved Globetrotters last week I couldn't bring myself to blog about it. I was heartbroken that they didn't make it to the finals. Apparently I wasn't the only one, as people took to the CBS.com message boards campaigning for Flight Time and Big Easy to be on the next season of All-Stars. If there is indeed an All-Stars season, I hope they come back. Now for the real action ...

After traveling for 21 days through 8 countries and more than 25,000 miles, Team Unmarried Married Couple, Meghan and Cheyne, are the winners of "The Amazing Race". For the last leg, teams flew 6,000 miles from the Czech Republic to Las Vegas where they 'casino crawled' from challenge to challenge. The tasks didn't seem all that difficult, but anyone who has been to Las Vegas knows that you don't 'race' anywhere. The Strip is just a sea of taxicabs and tourists.

The final leg started off evenly with all the teams on the same flight, so it was anybody's race. Team Zebra pulled ahead when they snagged a helpful taxi driver, but that was the only luck they would get for the remainder of the race. At the Roadblock, teams had to rappel 600 feet face-first down the side of the Mandalay Bay Hotel. Ericka, the black half of Team Zebra, managed to finish first with no problems. The Watch Party, on the other hand, was hyperventilating through the whole thing. Pause it: This is one of the rare shows that makes me have a physical reaction every time they do something scary. *Fainting at the thought of that waterslide*.

For the next challenge, the teams raced to The Mirage where they had to join Cirque du Soleil's "Love", trying to grab a bunch of flowers suspended above the stage as they bounced in a bungee harness. This is when Team Zebra turned into Team Exorcist and Ericka completely lost it. I know you're black honey, but angry is not your color. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she wears the pants in that marriage. After counting out $1 million in poker chips at the Monte Carlo, teams ran to the MGM Grand's High Rollers Suite to find Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, for their final clue. Pause it: Seriously, Mr. Las Vegas Wayne Newton. Whomever your plastic surgeon is, you need to go back and ask for a refund. Go directly to the doctor and do not pass go. It looks like your cheeks are trying to eat your forehead.

Thanks to Meghan and Cheyne's calm-under pressure demeanor and knowledgeable taxi driver, they pulled ahead for the win. Thank you, God for not allowing Team Chip and Dale to win. Their sneaky ways came back to bite them, but I was very proud at the way they managed to find a way to fight during the chip-counting challenge. You guys are real winners.

I couldn't help but wonder how the Globetrotters would've faired in the final leg. I'm sure that bungee task would've been an easy one since they are both tall guys. But the guys proved they aren't the bounciest balls on the court when it comes to intellect and I'm sure that counting challenge would've proved difficult. Can't wait until next season. I'm hearing rumblings that Jeff and Jordan of "Big Brother" fame are being courted as contestants. They're cute, but both are dumber than a box of rocks, so I don't see them getting very far if they do.

Who were you rooting for? Are you campaigning for the Globetrotters to get another shot?

Interesting fact: The majority of the Las Vegas Strip is actually in Paradise, Nevada, not Las Vegas. Don't be impressed. I heard it during the commercial break.

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"Cold Case" (CBS, 10:00): It's funny how on this show people's memories get better with age. Tonight's case was from 1999 and people were rambling off details like the murder happened a week ago. Where was all this remembering-of-facts when they guy was bleeding from a gunshot wound to the head? I'll be glad when they finally do a mash up between "Cold Case" and "Ghost Whisperer". But I guess if Melinda Gordon lived in Philly, there would be no need for a Cold Case Division, huh?

Sunday soup

Here's a mix of what happened Sunday night.

"The Amazing Race" (CBS, 8:00): Since we're down to only six teams I can start using the super cool names I've given them. These are the labels I gave them when there were too many individual names to sort out, and I readily admit they aren't politically correct. Shruggsies ... It's my watch party. Tonight, our tour around the world takes us to Amsterdam.

I was worried my Globetrotters (they brought their own nicknames!) were going to spend the episode making up for coming in last on the previous leg, but all the teams ended up on the same flight. Team Chip and Dale (Dan & Sam) decide to gay pride it out and the revelation is met with a variety of comments, the funniest being "That explains the matching swimsuits!"

At the Roadblock, teams must count bells while walking up a long flight of stairs. Team Zebra (Ericka & Brian) had to do it three times before getting the correct number. Pause it: I wanted to call them Team Jungle Fever, but since they anointed themselves Team Zebra early on, I'm rolling with it). Ericka's miscalculations put them 2 hours behind going into the Detour, and their bad luck continued when they didn't follow the instructions on the clue correctly. Chip & Dale breeze through and take first place, but Team Poker Face (Maria & Tiffany) couldn't complete either side of the Detour, opening the door for Team Zebra, who despite having to take a 30-minute penalty for the clue mishap, managed to come in 5th place. Team Poker Face calls it quits and it's one of the rare times where Phil shows up at the challenge to tell a team they've been eliminated.

I was just starting to warm up to the poker players. I didn't like their ways in the beginning, but they were a smart team and I thought this may have been the year an all-girl team could win. And I know that I say this every week, but seriously, could I love the Globetrotters any more than I already do? They are funny, kind and not to hard on the eyes. Flight Time can detour to my neighborhood whenever he's ready!!!

Geography lesson: Seaside retreat Zoutkamp Harbor was the pit stop for this leg of the race. It's located in the Groningen Province of the Netherlands.

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Did Tracie Thoms really leave "Cold Case" (CBS, 10:00) or is she "on a break"? ... Whenever I watch this show I'm reminded that there was once a time when files were hand-written, telephones had cords and women had to fight to be seen as equals. But the one theme that always rings true: murder is as old as Cain and Abel.

I heard some really funny banter on "Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00). Gabby and Carlos were arguing about who taught their 7-year-old daughter the f-word. After a "blank"-filled tirade, Gabby finishes with "Fine, but I know someone who isn't getting blank tonight." Carlos says, "Fine with me. I blanked off earlier." ... Surely, Tom and Lynette are headed for divorce court. She's had his balls in a vice for so long I don't see how they managed to stay together this long. Must be for the kids.

Sunday = Sad day

The night started with a disappointing loss, and the hits just kept coming. Here's your Sunday sampling.

"The Amazing Race" (CBS, 8:00): Our journey around the world continues through Phnom Penh, Cambodia. For a minute there it looked as though it was going to be a race for last place between Team Autism (Zev/Justin) and Team Annoying Idiots (Lance/Keri). But all teams managed to catch the first flight so everyone was on an even playing field. The challenges didn't strike me as all that difficult tonight, but people who were short on patience would definitely have problems.

How sad was it that the only person who recognized Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis in the photo was the oldest guy on the race. You've got to be kidding me. Her face is up there with Princess Diana and Michael Jackson's nose. Pause it: EVERYBODY knows that nose. And who knew monkeys were so revered in Cambodia?

Team Autism came in first, but Zev lost his passport along the way. Unless they could find it before the last team arrived, they were going to be eliminated. It seemed like they had already come to terms with their fate. They didn't put much effort into looking for that passport, but retracing their steps did appear to be a daunting task. Too bad because they were one of my two favorite teams. In the words of Zev: single tear falling.

Geography lesson: The Pit Stop was Wat Phnom or "Hill Temple", a Buddha shrine built over 600 years ago and is the tallest religious structure in the city. Next stop: Dubai, where the teams face extremes of all kinds.

"Brothers & Sisters" (ABC, 10:00): Kitty finds out she's in stage 3 of lymphoma and a power struggle ensues between mom Nora and husband Robert over Kitty's course of treatment. They later come to a truce to support Kitty in whatever she decides. Pause it: Does a mother trump husband in a situation like this? When you're sick do you call your mom or your husband first? It's very endearing to see men cry so when Kevin, Saul and Justin all broke down over the news about Kitty, I broke down with them. But you had to wipe me up off the floor when Sarah showed up at the end. There's nothing like a sister.

William's sordid past is still haunting his family. Dennis, a man William testified against, wants revenge for the five years he spent in prison and is doing everything he can to undermine the company William started. I can see this storyline going really well if they don't turn it into a soap opera. Let's stay focused on the family.

"Cold Case" (CBS, 10:00): The title of this episode was "Jurisprudence". The dictionary defines it as "the science or philosophy of law", but in this case it was also a luxury ski cabin in Utah.

Alex Caceres was killed during a stint in Havenhurst Juvenile Detention Center. The case was reopened after another detainee came forward with information about his death. Det. Valens wanted to solve the case because he felt he'd let Alex down. The case winds through a list of guards and other locked-up teens, but it all comes back to the judge who sent Alex away in the first place. Here's the breakdown: The state pays for kids to go to Havenhurst. Havenhurst is owned by the judge's sister-in-law. The sister-in-law pays the judge for every kid he sends her way. The kids pay for the cabin, ergo, jurisprudence.

I was loving this episode until I realized they had recycled the plot from an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" called "Crush". Where's the jurisprudence in that?

A little pick-me-up from "Desperate Housewives" (ABC, 9:00):
In a bit of role reversal, one of the twins gives Lynette and Tom the speech on sexual irresponsibility: "You two are so irresponsible. You should have been using birth control. (At Tom) You're in college. Do you know what the odds are now that you'll graduate? Like zero. (At Lynette) You, you have a new job; one that you'll have to quit once the baby comes. So I hope you're both happy. You just destroyed your future for a few minutes of pleasure."
Bree, after learning her lover Karl has a lover: "So Candace, what do you do for a living?"
Candace: "I'm a dancer".
Bree: "Oh, what kind? Jazz? Ballet? Lap?"