Timing is everything

It was a quick night, thank you Lord! I was three and out, just in time for reruns of "Will & Grace". I loves me some Karen Walker and Jack McFarland. But I digress. Let's discuss ...

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, Wed., 8:00): Tyra has definitely had some questionable model choices over the last 13 cycles, but she really outdid herself this season. There's something about these models that scream "low brow" and I'm not talking about the Groucho Marx eyebrows she let Raina keep after her makeover. The majority of them reek of poor taste while the others blend in with the wallpaper. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.

It's the girls' first official photo shoot and they are thrown into the deep end right from the jump. They get to pick one item of clothing to model, but they must choose wisely because the rest of their body will be nude. Pause it: Those are accessories honey, not clothes. And ain't no bracelet big enough, no scarf long enough to cover up the hot messes that some of these models are.

My favorite girl so far, Gabrielle (right) opted for a pair of sequined leggings. She is uber cocky but I love her look. She looks like she could be in one of those posters I see when I walk past Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle. I like that she's so sure of herself, but in the world of reality competition shows, that's means she'll be on the chopping block.

The models were hoping that Angelea would choke, but she pulled off a fierce picture while modeling nothing put a pair of heels. My other favorite, country bumpkin Jessica, opted for a pair of shorts but was too worried about her granny seeing the pictures. Pause it: Get over it Jessie. You're on "Top Model" not "The 700 Club". My least favorite and most annoying girl, Alasia, was a train wreck, modeling a vest that she decided to wear backwards to cover her chest. Her pictures would've been much better had she just covered her face with it.

On the judging panel, Vogue editor-at-large Andre Leon Talley takes over for the flaming and flamboyant Miss J. Alexander, and Sally Hershberger, who did the girls' makeovers, is the guest judge. That Andre definitely adds something to the panel, although I'm not quite sure I like what he's serving up. He may be a little to sophisticated for the girls on this cycle with all of his French words and such. I had a hard time keeping up. And what was with all the blurring of the photos? On Ren's picture, all I could stare at was the big, pixelated blog on her thigh.I maybe mistaken, but I'm fairly certain that the va-jay-jay does not sit on the hip bone. What was up with that, Tyra?

My worst fears came true when Gabrielle and Alasia end up in the bottom two. I knew the judges were going to keep that annoying wench Alasia because Andre gave her lame photo a positive review while the other judges laughed at it. I hate the Gabrielle went so early. I think she definitely had potential to go all the way. *Shaking my fists at Mr. Talley*

In the second half of this overinflated episode, the girls practice their runway walks with "runway coach extraordinaire" Miss J. He tries to teach them that timing is everything by having them walk across a busy New York intersection while removing their coats.

For their first runway challenge, the girls get to model clothes for designer Rachel Roy. The model with the best walk gets to keep the garment she wears down the catwalk. The twist is that there will be two pendulums swinging at them from both directions. Good luck, ladies. Overconfident Alexandra, who by now has told us a million times that she's a perfectionist, falls not once, but twice on her turn down the runway. A few other girls are hit by the pendulum, but Alex is the only one who is actually thrown off the stage. Ginger-haired Brenda wins the challenge.

At the next photo shoot, the models pose for a beauty shot. Pause it: Well, as beautiful as you can be with water and wind being thrown in your face in 40 degree New York weather. This time it's Naduah's (above, left) turn to be cocky, saying that she's done so much modeling that she has this one in the bag. But at panel, it's Raina's photo that the judges fawn over while Naduah and Ren end up in the bottom two. Ren is saved even though she doesn't really want to be there, and Naduah is no longer in the running towards being America's Next Top Model. Good riddance to that boasting b*&#h.

"South Park" (Comedy Central, Wed. 10:00): With a subject matter like Tiger Woods and an episode titled "Sexual Healing", you have to expect some naughty innuendo. But leave it to Trey Parker and Matt Stone to find a way to make Tiger's infidelity society's fault because we "dangled the carrot". Pause it: I would beg to differ and say it was Tiger who was dangling the carrot, but this is a family blog.

In true "South Park" fashion, the writers treat sex addiction like it's an STD that the Center for Disease Control can handle. There's an "outbreak" of it among famous, wealthy men. They are the only ones who can catch it because "regular men just don't think of sex that often". Yeah right! And I'm sure they daydream about unicorns and rainbows!

The CDC decides to test the elementary school to see if any of the children are suffering from sex addiction. They flash an erotic photo in front of them then ask what color scarf the lady was holding. WOW! Poor Butters is mesmerized by the ... eh ehm, female nether region, making him test positive for sex addiction along with Kenny and Kyle. They enter "rehab" where they learn the cure for their disease is to avoid getting caught.

I laughed out loud for most of the show, but it's always the commentary that really cuts like a double-edged sword. On the one hand you've got Tiger Woods, who had no business doing what he did when he's got a wife at home. But on the other hand, what did people expect? He's still a man with a dangling carrot.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Ugly Betty" (ABC, Wed., 10:00): As the show nears it's final episodes, the writers are going all out to tie up the loose ends. Hilda is engaged, Betty is undergoing a rapid transformation, and Justin ... well, Justin had his first kiss tonight - from a girl AND a boy! The writers are still being very ambiguous about his sexuality and I love that we know, but we really don't know. Know what I mean? And how much is the Watch Party going to miss the comedic duo that is Marc and Amanda? While on their way to the hospital to visit an ailing Willy, her doctor stops them on the street and warns the two about bringing her more work. "What are we supposed to do? Kill her?" Amanda asks. "Can't. She'll only grow stronger," Marc replies. Hi-larious!
  

After these messages: Surely I can't be the only one who has seen advertisements for schoolinpjs.com. Really? School in PJs? How does that look on a resume? Can you really get a job at Microsoft with that degree? "Yes, Mr. Gates, I'm qualified. I got my degree online through schoolinpjs.com." It makes the University of Phoenix look like Harvard Law School.