Debbie Downer

I was really excited for tonight, but it ended up being kind of a downer. Yes, the guy got the girl on "Glee", but it was a dark and painful drive getting there. The holidays are supposed to be a time of joyous TV. Tonight I got a big ol' hump of coal.

"Glee" (FOX, 9:00): I know I'll probably get a lot of comments on the contrary, but I didn't really enjoy this episode. While there were some real laugh-out-loud moments, I found the action to be really depressing.

Everyone in New Directions knows Puck is Quinn's real baby daddy except Rachel. Once she finds out the truth she promptly spills the beans to Finn, who believed he'd gotten Quinn pregnant by dry humping in the hot tub. Finn punches Puck then quits the Glee Club, leaving them one singer short for sectionals.

Mr. Schue is still on punishment over the whole mattress debacle, so he can't go to the competition with the group. Emma volunteers to take his place, even though she's supposed to be getting married the same day. "We just pushed it back a few hours so now it doesn't have to happen in broad daylight," she explained.

Once they arrive at sectionals, New Direction draws the last slot to perform and have to sit through two other show choirs sing songs from their set list. Coach Sue had passed it along to the competition to insure the Glee Club's (and Mr. Schuester's) demise. After a pep talk from Mr. Schue, Finn rides in on his white horse to save the day. New Directions wins sectionals and Mr. Schue turns Coach Sue in to Principal Figgins for giving away their set list. In the end, Mr. Schue gets the Glee Club back, Sue is suspended from coaching the Cheerios, and Emma is left at the alter but gets swept off her feet by Mr. Schue after confessing her love.

Funniest line heard all night - Sue to Mr. Schue: "I am reasonably confident that you will be adding 'revenge' to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian." She then kisses her fingers, puts them to Schue's lips and says, "Love ya like a sista." Classic!

Featured songs
"And I Am Telling You ..." - "Dreamgirls"
"Don't Rain On My Parade" - "Funny Girls"
"You Can't Always Get What You Want" - The Rolling Stones
"My Life Would Suck Without You" - Kelly Clarkson
Rewind: Did you notice that the choreography was a mash-up of steps from all the numbers they'd performed?

"Barbara Walters Special - 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009" (ABC, 10:00): Here are my thoughts on why Barb thinks these people are fascinating:

1. Michelle Obama - She wears sleeveless dresses year-round
2. The Jackson children - They're famous father died and now they can take their masks off.
3. Sarah Palin - She went rogue, but owes her success to Tina Fey.
4. Brett Favre - He's old and still plays football.
5. Adam Lambert - He's gay and kissed another guy on TV. Call me country, but isn't that how gay works? Fascinating would be him kissing a goat or something.
6. Glenn Beck - For creating an insurgence of the use of the word 'fascist'.
7. Kate Gosselin - She had 8 kids then pimped them out on TV for swag and free trips. Then she divorced the man who destroyed her uterus.
8. Tyler Perry - He has a lot of hyphens in his title (actor-director-producer-studio owner-black).
9. Jenny Sanford - She didn't stand by her cheating husband. That's not fascinating either. That's thinking smart before taking him to the cleaners.
10. Lady Gaga - Because she bleeds during her performances.

REALITY CHECK
"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00): The stage is set for next week's finale and over 8 million votes were cast to narrow the field down to our Top 6. I don't remember their ever being six dancers in the finale, but I'm rolling with it. After a great opening number choreographed by Sonia Tayeh, Cat sends Ryan and Legacy, Ellenore and Mollee to the bottom 4. I was glad to see Mollee in the bottom. Her cutesy schtick was getting on my nerves. For the guys, it's hard to see any of them go. There's a lot of male talent this season and I'm not sure their female counterparts are dancing up to their skill. Fast forward through useless performances from The Wonder Girls and "Idol" winner Kris Allen to see Mollee and Legacy get the ax. I really hated to see him go. Nigel is always saying how "SYTYCD" is about dancers growing and progressing and for me that dancer was Legacy. Yes, his crying was annoying, but you could tell this B-Boy was really growing in different styles of dance.

So we have Ellenore, Ryan, Ashleigh, Kathryn, Jakob and my personal favorite, Russell competing for the title. Along with Legacy, he's the dancer I think has grown the most. And he's sort of cute. Sort of.

"Top Chef" (Bravo, 10:00): So it was the Voltaggio brothers vs. southern cook Kevin in one of the closest finales ever on "Top Chef". The 3 finalists won a combined total of 12 out of the 13 elimination challenges, so obviously they know how to make good food. Eliminated contestants were made sous chefs by a random knife draw, with Kevin getting the worst picks with Preeti and Ash. For the final challenge, the cooks had to create a 3-course meal. The first course was a box full of secret ingredients and they had to use everything in the box to create the dish. The second course was a free-for-all and the third course had to be a dessert. The judges later added a fourth course inspired by favorite childhood memories.

As it usually goes on "Top Chef", the better cook crashed and burned (Kevin) and it was down to the dreaded brothers - refined Bryan or risky Michael. The judges told Bryan to pack his knives, giving the title to his cocky brother. Talk about leaving a bad taste.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): It was almost an upset as KellyAnne and Sarah took on four Tarzans and a Jane, but alas, the Champions pulled away at the end to bank the $160,000 prize. I wasn't surprised that the girls did as well as they did, but I was surprised at how weak Susie really is as a competitor. She's undefeated in one-on-one face offs, but boy, she has no stamina for the long challenges. In the end, Johnny was right about her weighing the team down, but she came in handy at during the puzzle part of the challenge. Pause it: Was anybody else annoyed that Susie kept saying how exhausted she was when she hadn't done anything? *Punching Susie in face and handing her check to more deserving Sarah and KellyAnne.*

Riding the reality wave

I got my reality check when the electricity went out for almost an hour. Here's yours:

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, 8:00): The four remaining girls learn hula hip-hop and the winner gets a Maui vacation. For the life of me I can't figure out what this has to do with modeling (unless they are trying out for the part of "hoochie" in a Lil Wayne video). Before a Pele (goddess of volcanoes) photo shoot, the models learn that two girls will be going home. I totally called Laura a fresher version of Rachel Hunter before Ty Ty and the judges did. Nicole served up her usual hot plate of fierce and they'll be going head-to-head in an unknown designer's fashion show. Pause it: You'd think with all her clout, Tyra could at least get a big name designer. I think Nicole is going to take it, but I wouldn't mind if Laura wins. Everyone who was happy to see Erin go, raise your hand! Which model are you pulling for?

"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00): For the first time this season the vote is in the hands of the viewers and you guys almost got it right. Almost. The bottom three vote-getters were Ellenore & Ryan, Pauline & Peter and Kevin & Karen. What happened to Mollee and Nathan? They totally should've been in Ellenore & Ryan's spot. We're reminded that America votes for their favorite dancer, not necessarily the best one. Pause it: The best dancer never wins on this show. (I'm winking at you, Will, from Season 4 and Brandon from Season 5). The curse of the quickstep strikes again as Pauline and Peter are sent home. Thank goodness all of the tappers are gone. Good on them for making it onto the show, but seriously ... a tap dancer would never win this competition.

A few thoughts: I wish Nigel would stop comparing this season's dancers to Season 5. We've moved on; you need to as well. ... Was anyone else creeped out by the tall man in the midst of all those young, screaming girls after the commercial break. He looked out of place and kind of perverted.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): Unfortunately for the Challengers, lazy Casey is still around. She is the most useless piece of skin I have ever seen on these challenges. These people came to win money and she's acting like she's at MTV Beach House. The Champions win again and Johanna chooses to battle Sarah in The Ruins saying she could never live it down if she lost to Casey. And even though Cohutta has knocked out two power players, Darrell picks him because he has banked the most money so far. Johanna has been on four of these challenges and this is her first time being in a one-on-one showdown. Pause it: She must've been getting by on her looks because she proved tonight she's not as strong as people have made her out to be. Time to get a real job, Joey. Darrell beats Cohutta and now has the biggest cashpot with $31,000. What's that I see on Darrell's back? Looks like a target.

The eyes have it

Crazy night, these Wednesdays! Crazy!

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, 8:00): There's only 5 skinny minis left and Tyra is really scrapping the bottom of the model barrel this season. These girls have no personality and no height. You can be without one or the other but not both! Tonight the girls learn how to pose in swimsuits from a Victoria's Secret model, Marisa Miller. Nicole wins the challenge and gets a chocolate pearl necklace and extra frames. In a school-yard pick, three other models also get extras, but Erin is left out. "She's a brat and gets on people's nerves," Nicole explains. Hi-five on that one, Nicole. Erin's age is showing and she's 18 going on 3.

At the photo shoot, the models have to pose underwater with the Fabio of photography, Russell James. Pause it: Seriously, the guy looks like he hasn't had a haircut since the early 70s. Laura has a fear of drowning and starts hyperventilating as soon as she goes under. She still manages to get a fantabulous shot, as does Nicole. But it's Jennifer who earns best photo of the week, leaving Sundai and Erin sinking to the bottom two. One would think Erin this is Erin's week to go seeing how she's been in the bottom 3 weeks in a row now. But Sundai's cherry is knocked off and she's sent home.

Nicole has perked up since her robot twin Brittney is gone. It's like her circuit board shorted and she learned how to smile. And has anybody noticed that Nicole bares a resemblance to the other red-headed Nicole from Cycle 5? Sundai knew better than to let that weave get wet during the posing challenge, but water could only help that sad piece of hair at this point. Two girls are getting cut next week and one of them had better be Erin.

"Criminal Minds" (CBS, 9:00): I would like to meet the mind who comes up with the ideas for the serial killers on this show. Last week it was a man impregnating women then killing them after they give birth. This week it was a freak who takes people's eyes after he kills them ... then puts them in the fridge next to the mustard.

This show has a very "Dexter" quality about it. You definitely can't eat while watching this show. It's like sitting through a horror movie. Especially when the victims go looking for trouble instead of running to their cars at the first sign of danger. Pause it: Don't you ladies know that a staircase is one of the most dangerous places for a woman at night? That is why I proudly take the elevator ... day and night ... to the second floor.

The killer was a borderline schizo taxidermist (wow) who had been told he was bad at doing the eyes. So he goes out and starts snatching people's pupils? Couldn't he just go back to taxidermy school or something? C'mon, dude! It's a stuffed animal. He could've got a whole bag of eyeballs from Build-A-Bear.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): I understand why former cast members return to these shows - they're broke and have no real talent. What I can't understand is why they come on these challenges and act like they don't know that the person sitting next to them would sleep with their own mother to win the cash prize.

The Champions are coming apart at the seams and the alliance among the major players begins to fracture when Johnny realizes that the plan only works to Evan's benefit. The Johanna and Susie are using Veronica as a means to stay out of the Ruins, although Johanna has done nothing prove her worth. Regardless, the Champions win the challenge and Johnny throws Syrus under the bus by electing him to go in. He chooses to go up against Cohutta, who has the most money on the Challenger team. They called it the battle of David and Goliath but it was more like the tortoise and the hare since nimble Cohutta was too fast for almost-40-years-old Syrus. KellyAnne proved too much for Veronica, leaving Susie and Johanna shaking in their sandals at the thought of going in next week. The teams are even in numbers now and I were on the Challengers, I would just sit back and let the Champions implode. It won't take long with this bunch of howler monkeys.

Everything's a challenge

With "Glee" on hiatus for the World Series, every show was about competing. Don't get me wrong, I love a good match-up, but tonight the competitions were a little uneven. Let's get to it.

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, 8:00): Even Hollywood is feeling the crunch of the recession as Tyra moves the six remaining models to Hawaii instead of somewhere overseas. Pause it: I didn't get the memo about Hawaii becoming a fashion capital, but I'll roll with it. Upon arrival,the girls are taught to surf for a photo shoot. Erin wins the challenge and gets a helicopter ride around the island. The 18-year-old then complains that she wanted a tangible prize like jewelry or a shopping spree, allowing us to see why 21-year-old Brittney hates her so much.

Pause it again: This season has the most dry, vanilla personalities ever to hit the catwalks of "Top Model". Brittney and Nicole are both void of any human emotion. Meanwhile, Erin thinks she's bubbling over with personality when in reality she's as blank as that hair color Tyra gave her. And speaking of hair, Tyra should be ashamed of herself for letting Sundai walk around looking like that. As a black woman and a model, she should know that Sundai's weave needs some more glue on it.

Tyra steps behind the lens again, and in an ode to Hawaii's most famous resident (winking at you, Mr. President) she has the girls made over into biracial women. Nicole has the best picture of the week as a Greek/Mexican woman, while SURPRISE! Erin and Brittney walk the runway to the bottom two. Undeserving Erin gets a pass and Brittney sobs her way back to being a mathematician. Chin up, Britt. With your love of numbers at least you'll be able to add up how you went so wrong in this competition.

"Top Chef" (Bravo, 10:00): Yay! A quickfire challenge I can sink my teeth into! The chefs must make a TV dinner based on popular television shows. Seattle's own, Robin, picks the "Sesame Street" knife and proceeds to make her usual plate of poo that puts her in the bottom two ... again. There's only two women left in the competition, and with Jennifer coming off the hinges and Robin serving up continuous crap, it's any wonder why "Top Chef" didn't do a double elimination just to get rid of them.

For the elimination challenge the chefs get to create a menu for Tom Colicchio's restaurant, Craftsteak Steak House. They all have their proteins picked out then enter vegetarian extraordinaire Natalie Portman to throw a wet blanket over the fire. Pause it: Thank you, rocket scientist Robin for letting us know that vegetarians are people too. The chefs are left scrambling for ideas and flipping coins for ingredients. Robin decides to make something she's never made before while Jennifer puts together a side dish and serves it as an entree. They both end up in the bottom two along with Motormouth Mike, who's ultimately told to pack his knives and go over an undercooked leek. Just watching this episode made me want a big, juicy steak with a ground beef chaser. I do not see converting to vegetarianism in my near future.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): The Challengers are down to just 7 members while the Champions are still stacked at 12. The simmering pot of mangled relationships (Cohutta, KellyAnne, Wes and Johanna) has finally reached its boiling point and Wes wants to go against Cohutta in The Ruins. Veronica finds out her team plans to throw her in against KellyAnne but the plan is shot down when the vote is deadlocked. The whole team then has to vote without discussion. Veronica gets a reprieve and they throw in Ibis instead. She decides to take on Kimberly.

Ibis hasn't proven herself in any of the challenges and probably would've been sent home already if her team wasn't on a winning streak. To make matters worse she shows up at The Ruins looking like she's going to a luau - full make-up, side ponytail and a flower in her hair. In the end, both Kimberly and Cohutta win and Ibis and that egotistical ginger Wes is sent packing. Thank you, Lord!

Healthy competition

The running theme tonight was competition, and I know if I were on any of these shows I would have to pack my knives and be out of the running for New Directions. Let's get to it!

"Glee" (FOX, 9:00): It's more mash-ups as Emma and Ken solicit the glee club to come up with a wedding song. She wants something elegant and traditional while he wants the Thong Song. Mr. Schue struggled to get the tunes to work together and that seemed to be the undercurrent of the show: things not mashing up. You've got football vs. glee, Puck and Rachel, Emma and Ken. A lot of matches made in high school hell. After growing tired of "slushy facials", Finn chooses football over glee club, but returns after a pep talk from Mr. Schue.

I find it very heartwarming the way the "gleeks" stand up for one another. Even though they aren't part of the popular circles, they've carved out quite a niche for themselves. And who knew that Mr. Schue was such a dancer. He has a very Justin Timberlake quality about him ... surprisingly talented but kind of a dork. What do you think of a Rachel/Puck pairing? Could they be the Bobby and Whitney of "Glee"?

Overheard

• Quinn, whining about no longer being popular: "Status is like currency - when your bank account is full you can get away with doing just about anything."
• Kurt, after taking a "slushy facial" for the team: "Someone get me to a day spa, stat!" Then the camera pans to him marching into the girls' bathroom.
• A heartbroken Coach Sue taking her anger out on Mr. Schue: "... And if it's one minute late, i will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face."
• Kurt with more insight on slushies: "You know why they call them 'slushies' don't you? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them."

Featured songs
Bust a Move - Young MC
Thong Song - Sisqo
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
I Could Have Danced All Night - from "My Fair Lady"
What a Girl Wants - Christina Aguilera

"Top Chef: Las Vegas" (Bravo, 10:00): For the high-stakes quickfire challenge, the chefs are in a tag team cook-off. Seattle chef Rocky Robin is picked last and she says it's because she's a mom. I think it's because she's a bad cook. As usual, she's on the losing team.

Finally, it's Restaurant Wars! This is my favorite time on "Top Chef" because it really exposes who knows what they are doing and who shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen. The brothers end up on the same team and I haven't seen so much discord between family members since Cain and Abel. Pause it: I really wish the Voltaggio brothers would simmer down. Someone needs to turn the heat down on their fire. I'm tired of watching their rivalry.

Here's my scorecard:
Names: Revolt and The Mission. I don't know who in their right mind would eat at a restaurant called Revolt. That's not a visual I want with my food. Score one for The Mission.
Menu: Mission served practically all meat dishes with no dessert. For Revolt, Robin finally gets something right with her pear dish, as it was a favorite among the judges. At least we know she can make something. Point for Revolt.
Service: Both teams were lacking in front-house service, but Laurine was totally overwhelmed and even forgot to explain the dishes to the patrons. Over at Revolt, Eli came off as confident and chatty and the judges loved his enthusiasm. Match point goes to Revolt.

Laurine was told to pack her knives and I agreed with their decision. But how bad would it suck to lose a cooking show for being a bad hostess and not your cooking abilities. Do you think Laurine should've went home? Are you revolting the Voltaggio brothers?

CHANNEL SURFING
Every time I see the opening of "America's Next Top Model" (CW) I keep wishing Bianca was still in the competition. She had the most striking face and it would've been nice to see a girl with a shaved head win. The models tackle interviews and it's a good thing they are cute (most of them) because speaking is not their forte. Erin gets a big head after winning the challenge then falls apart during her commercial. Laura reveals she's dyslexic and even though the girl with the most face time usually goes home, she manages to stay another week and Rae was out of the running for becoming America's Next Top Model. I wanted Erin to go, but she does take killer photos with that alien makeoverTyra gave her. Who is your model favorite?

On MTV's "Real World/Road Rules Challenge", Walla Walla whack job Tonya gets sent home after smacking Veronica across the face with a backhand that I've only seen give on soap operas and by Rick James. Tonya had about five too many, but it was Veronica who refused to walk away from a volatile situation. I'm not saying she deserved to be hit ... maybe just shaken a little. Challenge veteran Katie was sent packing after losing to rookie Sarah in the Ruins, and Danny lost to Darrell. At least no bodily fluids were exchanged. It's the small things.

"South Park" (Comedy Central) manages to equate wrestling with acting in a Greek tragedy in an episode aptly titled "W.T.F" (Wrestling Takedown Federation). After the kids see a WWE wrestling match, they decide to join a team, but when the coach tries to show them proper techniques they think he's gay and into child porn. The boys start W.T.F. which eventually turns into elaborate theater complete with wine, intermission and playbills. "South Park" continues to be one of the smartest shows on TV, no matter how immature. To take something as silly as WWE wrestling and turn it into a theatrical production ... that's genius at work.