Great expectations

I had Thursday off so I actually got the chance to watch a lot of my favorite shows live. A rare treat for someone who watches 60% of my TV shows via the internet. Here's a recap:

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): The Villains have absolutely no clue who they are up against when dealing with Russell Hantz. It's unfortunate for that tribe that they didn't get to see his game play before they started filming this season. Otherwise, he would've been gone the first time the Villains were sent to Tribal Council. His desire to be the ultimate survivor has put his team in a hole they may not be able to dig themselves out of. He's controlling every move they make. And judging by the Heroes' assumption that B-Rob's demise was from an all-girl alliance, I'd say Russell is controlling that tribe as well.

The morning after Tribal Council, Danielle and Parvati are laughing about B-Rob's ouster. "I like blindsiding people," Danielle jokes. Jerri seems to be having a change of heart about her decision and Coach is still pissed that he's been forced into an alliance with Russell. "Are we going to the final five with him?" he asks Jerri. "Let's just see what happens," she says.

Over at the Heroes' camp, J.T. can't put off looking for the hidden immunity idol so he steals away to try to find it for himself. So much for keeping tribe unity and using it for the benefit of the group. He finds it and hastily tries to scamper out of the woods, but he ends up being spotted by Amanda and Candice. Pause it: Amanda is like a little kid who prevents you from hiding the Christmas presents in a good place. She's always around, always snooping, always listening in. "Good thing you walked up," Candice tells her.

The Villains are hoping for a merge when they get the clue to the next challenge, so they pack up their whole camp just in case Probst announces they are now one tribe. Pause it: When I say pack up the camp, I mean they PACK UP THE CAMP! They take down their shelter, grab the tackle box and the chickens and trot to the reward challenge looking like they just left Tent City. When the Heroes get their first look at the new Villains' tribe, Rupert (incorrectly) assumes that B-Rob's departure was at the hands of an all-female alliance. Russell gives J.T. a sad, puppy dog face and mouths the words "Help me", laying the groundwork for the Hero men to think he's running scared. The Villains think they'll be enjoying a pizza feast in celebration of a merge, Probst tells them to "drop their expectations" and get ready for the challenge: bowling, "Survivor" style.

Two Villains must sit out of the challenge and Coach yells for Sandra, right, and Courtney. "I want to eat," he reasons for sitting out what he deems as the two weakest players. Heroes jump out to an early lead after J.T. knocks down 6 pins. The Villains are on a (gutter ball) roll, but finally manage to get on the board. With the score at 2-1, Coach goes up against Amanda, whose roll gives the Heroes their third-straight win. And not only do the Villains lose, but they also have to return to a broken down camp with no food. OUCH!

As the Heroes much on pizza and beer, they label themselves the "Fantastic 5". J.T. (again, incorrectly) surmises that Coach and Russell are sitting ducks on the Villains' tribe. Little do they know that Russell is pulling strings all over Samoa. The Villains are angry at Coach for making Sandra and Courtney sit out. Jerri says they need their strongest players in the game for the immunity challenge, and sitting out the weakest for the chance to score some food will be their downfall. Sandra quickly points out that it was Coach's decision, and they should be pointing fingers at him for the loss, not Courtney and her.

When they get a chance to talk alone, Sandra devises a plan to eliminate Coach. She tells Courtney that they should plant a seed of doubt in Russell that Coach is gunning for him. Sandra says that everyone is playing Russell's version of "Survivor" instead of playing the actual game. Pause it: And she's right. Russell has manipulated this game so much that they should change the name to "Surviving Russell". I rooted for him last season, but his arrogance this time around is more bitch than bully and I can't wait to see him go down.

At the immunity challenge, the teams are belted into pairs and must run an obstacle course in the mud. Basically, it's another way for the girls to lose their swimsuits. Amanda and Candice pair up against Russell and Sandra, and the girls smoke Russell's co-ed team. They don't even finish the course after Sandra can't squeeze herself underneath one of the fences. Coach takes down Rupert in a foot race during the second round, and in the final go, skinny minis Courtney and Parvati prove to be no match for the brawn of Colby and J.T. Heroes win immunity and Courtney hurts her ankle.

Russell is sure his alliance is getting rid of Coach. It looks like Sandra's plan to throw him under Russell's bus may be working until Danielle suggests they keep him around for challenges and dump the weaker Courtney instead. Unhappy that one of his minions would go against him, Russell storms off after Danielle tries to persuade him to rethink his vote. He says he sends home who he wants to send home.

At Tribal Council, it seems as if Coach is unaware that he's on the chopping block, bragging that he encourages the tribe when they are down. Probst points out that Courtney has been made to sit out for a number of the challenges but she counters with "I'm a determined little bitch, and I'll put up with a lot of crap to get to the end."

Coach is voted out, and SURPRISE! He's the first member of the jury. Pause it: Now that's an interesting little twist! If they play it this way for the next few episodes - where the tribes remain separate but the jury fills up - it could make for some riveting Tribal Councils. Russell will definitely be sitting pretty once the Heroes see he's the only guy left. And judging from next week's preview, the Heroes are poised to make the most bone-headed decision in the history of "Survivor": giving Russell their immunity idol. If the girls could smarten up, now would be the time to put that all-female alliance into play and pick off the 4 remaining men one by one. I'm banking on Parvati or Sandra to steer that ship.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "16 & Pregnant" (MTV, Tues., 10:00): 17-year-old senior Leah, a popular high-school cheerleader, gets pregnant by Corey, her rebound guy after breaking up with her boyfriend of two and a half years. After Corey drives her home from a party, one thing leads to another which leads to them having sex in his truck, which ultimately leads to her getting pregnant with twin girls. That's TWO babies. At 17. Two. Leah and Corey try to give it a go, but in the end she ends up alone after constantly picking fights with Corey. She's left taking care of the babies and he moves back in with his parents. Talk about someone regretting their decision. In her closing video, Leah sums it up by saying her life is essentially not worth living because she made a stupid mistake. Hindsight is 20/20 ... and expensive.
  
• "Project Runway" (Lifetime, Thurs., 10:00): It's the final challenge that determines who will move on to Fashion Week and the designers must create a look inspired by the circus. Emilio, who's on a three-win high, has let his ego get the better of him and he's starting to look like a complete ass. Nevertheless, he earns a place in the final three along with Seth Aaron. Mila and Jay are forced into a tie-breaker and both designers will have to design a collection, but only one will show at Fashion Week. But we all know that's not true because 10 "Project Runway" designers got the chance to show at Bryant Park. But we won't go into that again.

Closing credits: Here's one last funny line from the twice-eliminated Anthony. After Tim Gunn questions his choice of color, Anthony says, "I thought all I needed to prepare for this show was my design books, but I'm gonna get me a dictionary just as soon as I get back to Georgia."
One last rant: Oprah, I appreciate your quest to make cars a "no phone zone," but putting people on the spot to sign your contract is like asking Whitney Houston to sing when she's fresh out of rehab: some people just aren't ready.

Taking responsibility

I have spent the last 2 days doing absolutely nothing. NOTHING! It was my first real "weekend" in months. No volunteering at the school. No errands to run during the day. Just me sitting in bed until 1 p.m., going to the gym, then getting back in bed and sleeping until primetime TV starts. Here's a quick recap of Tuesday night ... and a few leftovers from Sunday and Monday.

"16 & Pregnant" (MTV, 10:00): Wow! The parents on this episode were as much to blame as the kids for this pregnancy and the focus is more about the baby daddy than the mother-to-be. Sixteen-year-old Nicole and her high-school dropout boyfriend Tyler are expecting a baby girl. He has a rocky relationship with his mom so he splits his time living at his grandma's and Nicole's house. Tyler was expelled from school when he was 13 and he's the type of guy who thinks he can make a career out of anything. Pause it: Really Tyler? A skateboarder? A mixed-martial artist? That's probably all he can be since he dropped out of school at 13. Dude, can you even read? Tyler promises he'll get his GED once the baby is born.

Nicole's friends have a hard time understanding why her mom is so supportive of her pregnancy. She reveals that she had another daughter die immediately after being born. Then her husband dies a year later when Nicole was only 2 years old. Pause it: Sounds like mom has some issues she needs to work out on the short couch. It's one thing to be supportive. It's another to try to use your pregnant teenager's baby to replace the one you lost.

At 7 months, Nicole starts having pains in her stomach - the night before her baby shower. She's rushed to the hospital and they give her drugs to stop her from going into early labor. They are released from the hospital just in time for the shower, where Tyler's estranged mom decides to show her face. She grumbles about the struggles she had after having Tyler at 17. She wanted him to be more responsible than she was. Pause it: Maybe if she wouldn't have kicked him out at 13, she could've taught him some of that responsibility she's talking about.

As Nicole's due date approaches, she tries to jump start her labor by using crazy home remedies: drinking castor oil, eating weird foods, and my personal fave - recklessly driving over speed bumps. She eventually goes into labor after Tyler suggests a game of pool would get the baby moving. Almost fourteen hours later, Nicole gives birth to 9 lb., 6 oz. Brooklyn Marie. The couple spends the first few months shuttling the baby between houses. Everytime they would wear out their welcome at one house they would move on to the next. Tyler's mom finally puts her foot down and tells them it's not good for baby Brooklyn to not have a permanent place to call home. In the end, Tyler's mom helps him get a job and he does go back to get his GED.

Tune in next week as preggers teen Leah prepares to give birth to twins!

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC, Tues., 8:00): In a shocking turn of events, Shannen Doherty is the first contestant voted off. I say shocking because hobbling, emotionless stick figure Kate Gosselin lives to dance another week and Old Man River astronaut guy is still in it, breathing machine and all. OK, so he's not on a breathing machine, but he's as old as John McCain, and that guy is like, 106. ABC knows where their bread is buttered: They gave the last 30 minutes of Monday's show to Pamela Anderson and Gosselin - guaranteed ratings boosters.
  
• "Lost" (ABC, Tues., 9:00): According to a reliable source, Sayid is a lost cause who is as soulless as my old gym sneakers. Now that the Locke Monster has stolen his innards, Sayid is out of the running to be an island protector. I suspect he'll be one of the major casualties that will start happening in the last few episodes.
• "The Amazing Race" (CBS, Sun., 8:00): Now that Team Showmance is out of the race, I'm pulling for 8 Seconds. Those cowboys gave me a scare this week as they came in last after running around Seychelles. Luckily it was a non-elimination leg and they are still in it. Unfortunately, so are the Sexy Lezzies. Team No Name snag their first win, but they lose their backpacks when they leave them at the Road Block. At least they have their passports and money.
  

It hurts

Late posting again. We can start calling it my Hump Day Hangover. Too bad it's from lack of sleep and not libations. Here's what happened last night:

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, Tues., 8:00): I know I've said this numerous times, but it annoys me to no end that this show is freakin' 2 hours long!!! It's one of the main reasons why I don't feel like blogging at the end of the night. Pause it: The other reasons range from talking on the phone to my bestie in Dallas to going into a diabetic coma from eating junk food during the show. This is supposed to be a show about weight loss and "Loser" could stand to shed about 60 minutes.

For the reward challenge, the teams go head-to-head in a game of trivia about food and nutrition. The winning team gets a spa day while the losers must clean the kitchen and the gym. Stephanie thinks the Black team has the win on lock since the Blue team is all brawn and no brains. Think again, Steph! The Blue team prevails, leaving the Black team sulking and demoralized. It was pretty ironic that the mostly male Blue team wins a trip to the spa and the women folk are made to clean house.

At the immunity challenge, it's another advantage for the Black team with a cooking competition. The teams must make an appetizer, an entree and a dessert using only 12 ingredients in 30 minutes. Celebrity chef Curtis Stone is the guest judge. Pause it: OK, last week the show stole a page out of the "Survivor" playbook. This week it's "Top Chef". Copycat much? The winning team gets a five-pound advantage at the next weigh-in. The Black team is off to a great start with a low-calorie shrimp ceviche, but their salmon with a side of wild rice entree is over 500 calories compared to the Blue's 290 overcooked pork tenderloin. The Black team wins and has some newfound confidence going into the last-chance workout.

At the weigh-in, the Black team loses a combined total of 30 pounds, but Stephanie and Sherry both put up small numbers. The Blue team drops nine after nine on the scale, and Mike - who left the ranch to tend to his ailing grandmother - loses 11 pounds while traveling. He's lost 126 pounds in his nine weeks on the ranch. It's another hit for the Black team as Blue smashes their hopes of a win. They send Sherry home, breaking up the last mother/kid team on campus.

Plug of the night: Milk - it does a body good and apparently, it's profitable for NBC. Go figure.

Last chance rant: Does anyone know where Jillian got her psychology degree? I mean, she's counseling these contestants like she's Dr. Phil or something. And we all know he's, like, a real doctor.

"16 & Pregnant" (MTV, Tues., 10:00): This episode should've been called "16 & Forced Into an Unwanted Choice". I felt so bad for Lori, an adopted teen whose parents want her to give her baby up for adoption. Pause it: I spent the first 15 minutes of the show laughing at the fact that Lori attends an all-girls Catholic school and winds up in the family way. I kept picturing a pregnant nun. But after watching Lori's mom hound her about giving her child away, I really just wanted to give her a hug. Mom wouldn't even let Lori's friends throw her a baby shower telling her, "I just don't see anything to celebrate." She goes on to say that bringing a baby into the house would be a mistake. Being an adopted child, Lori wants to keep her baby because she doesn't have any biological ties of her own.

Cory, Lori's ex-boyfriend and baby daddy, offers to let her move in with him and his (female) roommate. Unfortunately, Cory fails to ask his roommate if she was OK with having a newborn baby living in the next room. With no where else to turn, Lori decides that an open adoption is her only option.

I know that having a baby as a teen is not ideal, but having a mom forcing you into a decision like that is tough. I'm sure mom thought she was doing the right thing for both Lori and the baby, but a little support would've been nice. The episode wasn't as gut-wrenching as last season's emotional goodbye between Catelyn, Tyler and baby Carly, but it was still hard to watch.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Lost" (ABC, Tues., 9:00): In Sawyer's flash sideways, he's a detective for the LAPD and Miles is his partner. Talk about a parallel universe ... going from a con man to a cop.
• On "The Good Wife" (CBS, Tues., 10:00), Peter uses a black clergy to reach out to the African American community after his poll numbers dip among the sistas. Later, Alicia finds him praying with a reverend in his bedroom. At least he was doing something holy in there for a change.

Ghetto fab

I was so not in the mood to blog Tuesday night, even though I sat through 4 hours of TV and took a fair amount of notes. Sometimes I miss watching TV for TV's sake - just curling up on the couch and mindlessly watching a show without worrying about missing a pivotal plot point. But the Watch Party must go on, even when the host just wants to take a break. Here's a quick recap for the last 2 days.

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, Wed., 8:00): I don't know if I have the words to describe the ghetto-fabulousness of the girls that will grace the catwalk of Cycle 14. Loud, annoying, brash and did I say annoying? Pause it: At least Cycle 12 reject Angelea was intelligent enough to describe herself as "classy ghetto". Miss J goes on to say that one of the girls' runway walk looks "like you gon' whoop somebody's ass!"

The 33 girls are whacked down to 20, but before announcing the lucky ladies who will compete for the title, Tyra informs them that they are only picking 12 and a 13th girl would be waiting for them in New York. You've got your standard doe-eyed girl from Arkansas (Jessica), two biracial girls (Angelea and Gabrielle) and two hot-tempered chocolate girls (Krista and Alasia) who reinforce the idea that black women are always angry. Oh, and let's not forget the girl who was born into a cult (Naduah) who, I'm sure, Tyra will find a way to exploit her sob story in at least three episodes. The other girls include a plus-size model (Alexandra), a black white girl (Simone) and a girl with eyebrows as thick as my carpet (Enslee). The girls get makeovers and their first official photo will be a nude one. To be continued ...

Ripping the runway: The most annoying thing about this show is all the screaming. Screaming when Tyra enters a room. Screaming when the models get a new task. Screaming when "Tyra Mail" arrives. It's like watching a horror movie that has no real horror.

"16 and Pregnant" (MTV, Tues., 10:00): Another week, another deadbeat baby daddy. This week we have Adam, a real winner who not only values his car more than fatherhood, but also calls the mother of his child a "stretch-marked bitch". Pause it: Taking trophy from Nikkole's boyfriend Josh and handing it to Adam.

Chelsea, a popular high-school senior, got pregnant at the end of her junior year and is starting the school year near full term. She so big she can't fit in her desk and has to sit on an exercise ball in class. Chelsea ends up going into labor five weeks early and gives birth to a girl named Aubree Skye. The doctors are worried that the baby has a premature immune system, but don't want to scare the young mom. Little Aubree does have respiratory problems along with a case of jaundice. Adam persuades Chelsea to give the baby his last name, but only sees the baby twice during her first eight days of life. Pause it: I don't know if you can even count that last one as a "visit". He leaves the baby to go work on his car.

Weeks go by and still no word from Adam. When he finally shows up, he's more concerned about going drag racing than worrying about his child's medical issues. Rewind: Is it just me or did anyone else feel like Chelsea just wanted Adam to notice how big her breasts were when she started feeding the baby in front of him? Adam's preoccupation with his car makes Chelsea wonder if she can raise the baby without him. Newsflash honey: You're already doing it without him!

After Adam sends Chelsea a text message telling her to "tell me when and where to sign over the papers for that mistake," she immediately heads to a lawyer where she has the baby's last name changed to her own. At 12 weeks old, deadbeat daddy is out of Aubree's life and Chelsea is heading back to school. At least she was smart enough change her daughter's last name. Now all she needs to do is slap that prick with child support payments and we can call it a day.

"Lost" (ABC, Tues., 9:00): In his flash sideways, Ben Linus is a high-school history teacher at the same school where John Locke is a substitute teacher. Alex is an adoring student instead of his daughter and Ben has aspirations of being the principal. On the island, when Ben was digging his own grave (literally), the camera cut to a book called "The Chosen". A quick Wikipedia search gave me this:

"The Chosen" tells the story of the friendship between two Jewish boys growing up in 1940's Brooklyn.One has a mind for mathematics and wants to become a rabbi while the other is a genius son of a Hasidiac Rabbi who expects him to eventually take over his position.

I'm sure this somehow ties into the whole theory that someone is about to be chosen to lead the island. Does being good at math give Ben Linus the edge? Talk amongst yourselves.

Oh, there was a really funny line from the show. When Ben offered Miles millions of dollars to help him, Miles responds with "What are you gonna do? Write me a check on this banana leaf?"

Stacked, and not in a good way

I totally fell asleep during "American Idol" which led to me missing most of "Lost," so I have no comment on the show yet. I'll have to watch it later online. Here's a rundown of Tuesday night:

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00): Previously on "Loser", the Orange team's Cheryl and Darrell from the Black team fell below the yellow line and had to fight to stay in the game by winning an elimination challenge. After nine minutes of balancing a torch on their heads, Darrell loses his balance and is sent packing. Now it's an individual game as the teams go Blue vs. Black.

The winner of the dreaded temptation challenge gets to pick the teams and choose the trainers. They also get to assign immunity to themselves or another contestant. Only two people step up to play - Andrea, the remaining Black team member and Michael, left, the last member of the White team. The challenge is a memory game where the participants are looking for the matching squares holding the golden "Choose Teams" ticket. Other squares hold delectable sweets and fruit. For every match they miss, they must eat a 100-calorie cookie. If they find two matching food items, the challenger has to eat it. Pause it: I love me some dessert, especially ice cream slathered on top of chocolate cake. But to be forced to eat sweets like that after munching on lettuce and Extra sugar-free gum for seven weeks, I'd be hurling into the nearest bucket.

Andrea is on a roll finding matches for a blueberry muffin (360 cal.), a pretzel (340 cal.) and a fruit pie (480 cal.). Michael looks damn near purple in the face by the time he's made to choke down a 160-calorie glazed doughnut. Andrea finally finds a golden ticket, but can't find the match. By this time, Michael has consumed over 2300 calories, but luckily he finds the other ticket and wins the challenge. He divides the teams into weak vs. strong, stacking trainer Bob's Blue team with mostly men and giving Jillian the players who put up smaller numbers. Koli is the only male on the underdog Black team. But in a surprise move, Michael gives immunity to O'Neal. It's a smart move, but very calculated: O'Neal will be assigned to the team that loses the weigh-in. He'll either join his daughter's strong team or be forced to join the weaker Black one. Rewind: I've been waiting for a moment like this, where someone finally plays this game like it's a game. It was mean for Mike to stack the Blue team the way he did, but I wouldn't call it a bad move.

At the weigh-in, Michael beats Rudy's record for the fastest to lose 100 lbs. on the ranch after he drops 15 lbs. It looks like Blue is going to run circles around Black until Lance and Miggy don't pull their weight. Pause it: Miggy is on the wrong reality show. She's more of a "Dr. Drew" slash "Intervention" type of gal. It would serve her well to find a show that could help her with those anger-management issues. Her fits of rage scare me. The Black team needs to lose more than six pounds apiece to win. They get off to a rocky start but Ashley drops 10 lbs, giving them the last push to beat the Blue. Pause it: So much for Mike's plan not being a bad move. Win some, lose some ... sucks that they lost the one that counts.

With Michael losing the most weight for his team, he wins immunity and the vote comes down to Miggy and Lance, who had the lowest percentages of weight loss. Miggy is voted out and surprisingly, exits quietly.

Plug of the night: Jillian forces the Black team to snack on LaraBars, a gluten-free energy bar.

"16 and Pregnant" (MTV, 10:00):15-year-old Valerie is an adopted teen from Pennsylvania. The ninth grader is pregnant with a baby girl by Matt, a guy with a shoddy employment record (and bad beatboxing skills). Valerie used to skip school to spend the day with Matt and in doing so, got suspended from high school for truancy. Mom Janice forces her to be home schooled, much to Valerie's dismay.

We could talk about how big of a jerk Matt is or how much support Val's parents, who have 10 adopted kids, give her. But the real story lies in her complicated birth. Valerie's due date comes and goes and she delivers baby girl Nevaeh (heaven spelled backwards) a week late. By this time the baby has already had a bowel movement and doctors suspect the baby may have ingested her own waste. The baby is airlifted to a bigger hospital when she takes a turn for the worse, but the Nevaeh is fine.

"16 and Pregnant" usually gives us the standard girl-meets-boy, girls-sleeps-with-boy, girl-gets-pregnant story. But this time they added the girl-gives-birth-to-ailing-baby, which is a real situation that most expectant teens don't think about. Not all deliveries are as smooth as they are made out to be on this show and Valerie's story proves that no matter how much the moms think they are ready for the baby, there's nothing that can prepare them for a kid who may have medical issues.

CHANNEL SURFING

• Funniest line of the night was from "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00). Peter's "reputation manager" Kya to Eli Gold, the newest member of Peter's team: "What are you doing?" when she sees him unbuttoning his trousers. "Lower my pants so you can kiss my ass."
• The series premiere of "Parenthood" (NBC, 10:00) made me not want kids anytime soon. It also made me really dislike Lauren Graham.
  

We're number 1!

Sometimes I wish I had started a video blog instead of writing. Some shows are just too darn hard to sum up in words. Too bad my face is too round and my t-zone is too shiny to be in front of anyone's camera.

"16 and Pregnant" (MTV, Tues., 10:00): There are plenty of shows among the networks that really bring out the emotion in me. "Friday Night Lights" appeals to the small-town girl in me. "Survivor" pulls out my competitive nature. And "Glee" makes me want to befriend people I probably wouldn't think twice about. But "16 and Pregnant" makes me both angry and sad at these girls who lose their innocence so early, yet refuse to be adults when the time comes. Tonight's episode follows Nikkole, a high-school junior from Michigan whose ex-boyfriend Josh dumped her after she declined having an abortion.

Nikkole says she's lived a pretty charmed life. Her mom buys her anything she wants and she's a self-professed princess. Her mom is shattered when she finds out her only daughter is pregnant, but vows to support her through it, especially since the baby daddy is a total douche. Rewind: Think "Teen Mom's" Ryan, but not as cute and way more annoying. What's more annoying is Nikkole's desire to get back together with Josh, even though she knows he's cheating on her. With his controlling ways, he's the kind of guy that grows up to be a wife beater, and I'm not talking about the little white t-shirts. Josh has a pattern of hurting Nikkole, and her mom has had it with his jerky behavior.

Nikkole got pregnant at the end of the school year, so she spent the summer swelling. By the time the first day of school rolls around, she's already close to her delivery date. Instead of the obligatory first-day-of-school outfit, she opts for a loose-fitting hoodie and a pair of gym shorts so people won't stare. Pause it: People won't be staring because you're pregnant. They'll be staring because you're pregnant and you think a sweatshirt will hide it. FAIL!

For her last hurrah before giving birth, Nikkole goes to the Homecoming dance with her friends, but after getting back together with Josh, she's more excited about meeting up with him afterwards. He's supposed to meet her outside but cut to her standing in an empty parking lot, stood up and let down. She spends the rest of the evening playing Band Hero with her younger brother.

The big day arrives and Nikkole opts for having an induced delivery instead of waiting for labor to progress naturally. Both her doctor and mother warn her that she could be in labor much longer than she expects. After 11 hours go by, Josh (who miraculously shows up for the baby's birth) tells Nikkole that a man's tolerance for pain is a lot higher than a woman's. Pause it: And after 11 hours and 1.2 seconds, I would have given him an elbow to the nose. Tolerate that! Mom is doing her best to keep things calm and civil, but Josh just keeps on nagging. He says he will always be number one in Nikkole's eyes while mom says she's the one whose number one. Seventeen hours, and she's only dilated one centimeter. After 27 hours, she finally gets to push and out pops 8 lbs., 11 oz. baby Lyle. I swear I heard him chanting, "I'm number one!" as he was coming down the birth canal.

When it's all over, Josh is banned from coming over to Nikkole's house and he goes back to his other girlfriend, Kyla. He says he doesn't want a committed relationship, but he doesn't want to cut Nikkole out completely ... just in case. She's left heartbroken once again, but right on cue, mom is there to pick up the pieces.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "American Idol" (FOX, Tues., 8:00) is up to the viewer voting part. There were a lot of questionable song choices. Enough so that I switched over to reruns of "Grey's Anatomy" on Lifetime.
• "Boyz N the Hood" (BET, Wed., 1:00 a.m.) is still one of the most riveting and realistic movies ever made. Not that I know much of anything about being in a gang or growing up in South Central L.A. But what I do know is that it had a great soundtrack.
• After these messages: Good thing longtime football coach Jimmy Johnson is retired. How embarrassing would it be to see your coach on a commercial promoting ExtenZe male-enhancement capsules then having him yell from the sidelines, "Go long!"

Stand and deliver

Today was the first Tuesday in a long time that I had absolutely nothing to do. I was really lazy today and played couch potato for most of the afternoon watching repeats of "The Game" on BET and some movie on the Disney channel called "Jump In" about kids in a double-dutch jump rope competition. Mindless entertainment.

"16 and Pregnant" (MTV, 10:00): I almost feel guilty when I say that I'm glad this show is back because it's like I want to see girls stuck in a pregnant pickle. But the truth is this show is one of the most realistic portrayals of the consequences of unprotected sex. It's the best thing MTV has given us since "The Real World: Las Vegas". Season 2 kicks off with the story of Jenelle, a North Carolina teen whose alcoholic boyfriend is former model turned mooch.

Jenelle and Andrew have been in a long-distance relationship for three years. Mom Barbara hates the guy and lets him know he needs to step up. Andrew has no job, no driver's license and lives with his parents. Pause it: Yes, that is Andrew's picture in the dictionary next to the word 'deadbeat'. Jenelle thinks having a baby isn't going to be that hard. "It's going to be like dressing up a doll everyday." Pause it: And that's Jenelle's picture next to the word 'dunce'. Sure sweetie, your baby will look like a doll ... that pees and poops on cue.

After 12 hours of labor, Jenelle gives birth to a baby boy named Jace. Rewind: 'Jace' was on my short list of possible baby names, you know ... for when I have kids. Gotta find a husband but right now I'll settle for a man who has all his teeth. The two days she spent in the hospital were the first and last times Andrew saw his son. He spent the first week of Jace's life in jail on a DUI charge then decided his feelings for Jenelle had "dropped". She decides the best way to get over him is by hitting the party scene with her friends. Guess who's left cleaning up after baby Jace: that would be grandma Barbara, who is none too happy about being an at-the-ready babysitter.

Jenelle reminds me of Farrah during her "Teen Mom" days. She's woman enough to make a baby but not woman enough to take care of it. But unlike Farrah, Jenelle is more than happy to have her baby dropped off at daycare so she can focus on having a social life. What else is different from Jenelle? When her mom gets pissed, she make Jenelle take her baby out with her! Farrah's mom could've used some of Barbara's brass balls.

CHANNEL SURFING
"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): Who knew there were so many ways to sing a Jason Mraz song? The judges gave seven wannabe stars a spot in the Top 24. Two of my early favorites, Michael Lynche and Todrick Hall made it through. You'll recall that Michael missed the birth of his first born on group day of Hollywood Week and Todrick performed with Fantasia in "The Color Purple". Unfortunately, Shelby Dressel, the girl with the facial deformity didn't make the cut. But it was Jessica Furney, also a Season 8 reject, who went damn near postal when the judges told her that Season 9 was a no-go as well. "Can you tell me what I did wrong?" she begged. "You didn't sing as well as the others," Simon retorts. Truth hurts.

"Lost" (ABC, 9:00) made my head hurt, but I have a theory about the numbers. Inside the cave, Fake Locke showed Sawyer a wall full of names with corresponding numbers in front - Hurley's unlucky lottery numbers (4-8-15-16-23-42). I think these numbers were the seat numbers for the Oceanic 6, the people who were rescued from the island (Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Sun and baby Aaron). Sawyer's name wasn't scratched out but he jumped from the helicopter before it crashed, giving Aaron a chance to be rescued. Locke's name wasn't scratched out and he wasn't a member of the Oceanic 6, so could his death be the sacrifice for Kate? Just a theory, but maybe Kate is the secret to the island, not Locke. Did anyone else catch that or am I starting to sound like Locke?

Life, liberty and the pursuit of instant fame

It was a crazy day and an even crazier night, so I had a hard time cramming it all in. But the Watch Party goes on with or without me so I figured I'd better suck it up. Here's what I saw between naps:

"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): For the last few seasons, I have barely watched "Idol" past the audition rounds. I have soured on this show now that people have shucked the actual talent factor and show up for auditions with the I-want-to-be-on-TV-so-I'm-going-to-be-obnoxious routine. It's not like that doesn't happen on all reality-competition shows (remember "Sex" from "So You Think You Can Dance"?), but there is something about "American Idol" that brings out some of the most delusional people I have ever seen. There's also this sense of self-entitlement where everyone feels like they deserve to be famous. Pause it: How about finding a cure for ingrown toenails or figuring out what those numbers mean on "Lost"? That is something that will make you famous.

Season 9 auditions kick off in Boston where a crowd of 9,000 waited in the pouring rain for a chance to shine in front of Randy, nu-Paula and Simon. Pause it: FOX can deny, deny, deny but I'm most certain that bringing in Kara DioGuardi as a so-called "fourth judge" was the nail in Paula's coffin. Victoria Beckham of Spice Girl fame was brought in to fill the final chair. Pretty much everyone who makes it in front of the panel is seeking some sort of validation from Simon, the most biting judge in the history of reality TV. Pause it: Forget New York! If you can make it in front of Simon, you can make it anywhere. The fact that people show up begging for his approval should prove that "Idol" numbers will likely tumble after his exit.

Only 31 people made it through to Hollywood, so the talent was slim for the picking. There were a few standouts like 16-year old Katie Stevens (the girl with the ailing granny) and Ashley Rodriguez, who wowed the judges with an Alicia Keys song. But Boston wasn't without its weirdos either. Janet McNamera honed her skills by playing the "American Idol" video game. Sorry, honey! A mock "Idol" stage does not a star make. And I can't leave off Mere Doyle, the girl who harbors an obsession for anime and wanted to audition for "American Idol" to become famous in ... Japan?

I'll tell you, I've had coworkers say to me I have a nice voice, but you won't catch me trying to sing in front of an audience. I know what I sound like and they are just being polite. The people who try out for this show should realize that mommy and daddy don't make the most impartial judges.

Note to self: Get one of those "Idol" video games. I wouldn't mind hearing a digital Simon Cowell tell me I'm bloody awful. His best quip of the night - "Is this window open?" - after hearing Janet sing. I also laughed when Randy told Britney-Spears-song-murdering Pat Ford to "stop singing forever." Auditions continue Wednesday in Hotlanta.

CHANNEL SURFING
I was so tired I could barely pay attention during "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00). Of course it would be the episode when Farrah finally decided to step up to the plate of motherhood and show some interest in caring for her daughter. "I can't believe I'm actually getting my work done with Sophia," she says. Well, Farrah, seeing as how this is the first time you've actually tried, we wouldn't have expected you to know that. And let's give it up for Amber, who in the midst of trying to get her G.E.D., fought putting her baby in daycare. Too bad she had to go against her wishes for the greater good of her family's future.

On the season finale of "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00), she helped a salon where all the stylists had one year of experience. FAIL! Those stylist weren't fit to cut a dog's hair, let alone a humans!

Did you watch "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00)? How funny is it that Alicia's ringtone for her mother-in-law is the theme song to "The Twilight Zone"?

After these messages: Why is Emmy-award winning actress Megan Mullally shoveling butter? Really? Butter? Those "Turn the Tub Around" commercials are not only annoying, they also make me want to "turn the volume down". In the words of Karen Walker: "What's this? What's going on here?"

Biggest loser ... and not in a good way

For some reason I was wasn't excited about the premiere of "The Biggest Loser". The thought of sitting through 2 hours of this show did not appeal to me at all so I taped it to fast forward through the embarrassment on the faces of the contestants who were made to get on a scale in front of their hometowns. For now, let's check in on ...

"Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): For the last few weeks I have been harping on Farrah and her lack of parenting skills ... and I'll be doing it again this week (consistency is key). But for now I need to shine the light on some other lame parents: Lyin' Ryan and Double Zero Gary.

Maci and Ryan, left, are still trying to work things out. They are smart enough to know that living together again is a terrible idea. Too bad for their parents they are splitting time between shacking up in both houses. When the young family goes to have their portrait made, Ryan refuses to smile for the picture. "We look like we hate each other," Maci whines. Pause it: You may not realize it now, sweetie but deep down, you do. I don't understand why these two continue to torture each other with this forced relationship. Ryan did all that begging to get Maci back but it's obvious he doesn't want to have anything to do with being a parent. And now that he's lost his job, it's Maci who's bringing home the bacon while he sits on his ass eating it. I can't even call him a stay-at-home dad because the first chance he gets he's out the door. He even left the house in the early morning hours to avoid tending to crying baby Bentley. Pause it: If I were Maci I would've followed him outside and given him a swift kick to his man berries. Maci's mom suggests they see a counselor and during the session they realize they both have to ask for the help and understanding they want. Blah, blah, blah lady! Put it on a greeting card. Ryan doesn't want help, he wants his freedom.

Gary, Amber's boyfriance, has entered the competition and is working overtime to claim the prize of biggest idiot and laziest father. Amber is living in a motel with their baby and in her quest to get herself away from Gary, she's also moving farther away from her G.E.D. as she misses her classes. He shows up to spend time with Leah, but he never takes her anywhere to give Amber a break. He scoops up the baby, kisses her then promptly returns her to her crib. To convince her to move back in, Gary arranges a candlelit dinner with food from her favorite restaurant - Cracker Barrel. Pause it: First he gives her a $20 Wal-Mart engagement ring, then he fills her up with meatloaf from a country kitchen! What? Were they out of chicken fried steak? Amber relents and moves back home, but only if Gary moves in with his mom. You're a smart one, girly! Make that loser work for it!

Which brings us to baby-making, boyfriend-searching, parent-disrespecting, rhymes with witch Farrah. Oh, to be able to reach through the TV screen!!!! If I could, I would strangle her between my two big toes - I swear I would! She's still going out every night, leaving baby Sophia in the care of her parents. They continue to preach that she can't live the same pre-pregnancy lifestyle, but how about changing the locks on her? How about making her take the baby with her on one of her many dates? Or better yet, how about popping that trollop in her lip the next time she flips off at the mouth? "I wish my parents would stop telling me to be a better mom and just let me be a normal teenager," she gripes. Well guess what honey: having a baby when you're in high school may be the norm, but it's not normal.

I was leading a one-woman hotness parade for Alexander, another oldie but goody Farrah met at a club. Pause it: Did anybody else get goosebumps when he called her out on her parenting skills? She definitely met her match with this guy, and I was so glad he didn't back down in questioning her about not spending time with Sophia. When Farrah asked Alexander if he wanted to meet up the next day, he gave her the ol' "I-have-to-pick-a-friend-up-from-the-airport" line. LOVED IT!! Farrah says she wants to meet a guy who will be cool with her having a kid. I venture to say that a real man would respect her more if she would exhibit some signs of being a responsible mother. An MTV poll shows that 97% of voters think Farrah is too focused on having a social life. If she's not careful, baby Sophia will be calling Farrah by her real first name: B!#*h.

T-Note: After a little bit of digging, I found out that Sophia's dad died in a car accident in December, 2008. Other blogs say that he wanted to be involved in the baby's life but MTV wanted to portray Farrah as 'the single mom'. Just Google the name 'Derek Underwood' and judge for yourselves.

It's been five months since Catelynn gave Carly up for adoption and it sounds like she's having second thoughts. At Tyler's suggestion, she calls her adoption agent who refers her to support group. I've been hard on them in previous blogs, but Catelynn and Tyler are the only couple who ever show love or respect toward each other. It's apparent that making such a hard decision at their young age only strengthened their relationship. And I swear, if they make me cry one more time, I'm going to gouge my eyeball out with a dull spoon.

CHANNEL SURFING

• Maybe it's because I'm blogging while my stomach sits on my lap or maybe it's the way they kick people off before they even lose a pound, but "The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00) is becoming more annoying than inspiring. First of all, can we please cut the show down to one hour. You could lose the 15 minutes of product placements, the 25 minutes of watching people sweat and vomit and that's already 40 minutes trimmed off. I mean, this is a weight loss show right? Second of all, Allison is an annoying host. I'm lumping her in with Chris Harrison from "The Bachelor". All they do is repeat the same thing over and over again ... in the most dramatic rose ceremony/weigh in yet.
• "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00) is back and I'm starting to see glimpses of "Boston Legal" in the writing, especially when they bring in the raging liberal judge. Same schtick, different political preference.
• "The Cosby Show" (NIK, 4:30 am) will forever and always be my all-time favorite TV show. It's hard to believe Theo was my childhood crush.

Eat. Cry. Moan.

I did a whole lot of channel surfing during the 10:00 hour. Here are some observations:

I only watched the first hour of the "Kennedy Center Honors" (CBS, 9:00), but the parts I did see were really funny. It was cool watching Robert De Niro get props for his work, but even cooler to see the humble expression on his face as friends and colleagues talked about his contributions to cinema. Oh, and that band was really great. Can anybody tell me the name of that jazz song they played?

"Teen Mom" (MTV): I missed the first 15 minutes of the episode and when I tuned in, Catelynn's mom had announced they were moving to Richmond. I'm really annoyed with her mom because she seems like one of those women who always picks a loser boyfriend then goes along with everything he says. The fact that he's Tyler's (Catelynn's boyfriend) dad raises the ick factor. Catelynn is allowed to temporarily move in with Tyler and his mom and she lays down only one rule: no sleeping in the same room. Pause it: How about adding "no sex under my roof" as a rule? I'm just saying ... might as well make it plain. Catelynn says she just wants her mom to put the adoption behind her so they can move on, but how can mom do that when Cate and Ty have big ol' baby tattoos on their shoulder and stomach? Mom will move on when you do, guys.

I must have missed a big chunk of Farrah's story too because when she came on she was talking about going to culinary school. Where did that come from? I saw a glimmer of hope when she went to the doctor to get birth control pills, but her idiocy reigned supreme when she hid them from her parents by putting them in the refrigerator. After her dad finds it, he questions why she would be putting herself in situations where she would need birth control. "We got a beautiful gift from a mistake," he says. But Farrah isn't hearing it and she later leaves Sophia with her mom while she goes out to party. Pause it: It's quite obvious Farrah's parents can't get the top off their can of "Whoop-Ass". *Sliding mom a bottle opener*

Last week, I was really proud of Maci for dumping Ryan, but tonight she took a step backward by getting back together with him. She says she misses having him around whenever baby Bentley gets fussy, but I can't seem to recall a time when Ryan was around for the baby being fussy, calm, sleeping, eating, etc. Pause it: Does anyone else think that Ryan looks like a thinner version of Levi Johnston? I have a feeling that Maci will be regretting her decision in the near future.

Amber and Gary are still going at it. Amber is struggling to keep up in her G.E.D. classes while he somehow manages to find time to get out of the house for "a little break." When Amber comes in complaining about how filthy their house is, Gary replies, "All you do is go to school for six hours a week and watch the baby." Pause it: Everybody take cover from the s*%t that's about to hit the fan. Amber tells Gary that she doesn't want to be with him anymore and decides to move into a hotel room for the week. After she's packed up the car and is ready to drive off, that's when he has a change of heart. That sound you hear is Amber's tires squealing as she drives off, leaving him crying like the big-ass baby that he is. Amber is over Gary and I am too.

"Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo): Fab Tab breezed into the Windy City to tackle Chicago Male, a three-year-old, gay salon that only services men. The owner, Scott, is a businessman, but has never owned or operated a hair salon and can't understand why the place is only running at 25%. Pause it: That's because the other 75% of your could-be clients have vaginas. The unprofessional staff stood around all day eating, texting and talking sexually to clients.

Scott wanted to create something that was just for men in one of the largest gay communities in the country, but his 30-minute business model was dragging down the quality of service. I can't even wash my hair in 30 minutes, let alone give someone a proper haircut. After Tabatha announces there would be changes at the salon, she says, "The staff all stared at me like gay deer in headlights."

The stylists are all taken to Paul Mitchell to get a crash course in women's hair, but I'll tell you this: I will not be getting a haircut by someone who basically got the G.E.D. of women's hairstyling. Of course all of Tab's suggestions are implemented and Chicago Male opens it's doors to the female kind. They could always change the name to Chicago She-Male and only take drag queens. At least they could've stayed true to Scott's all-male clientele rule. It's all in the details.

CHANNEL SURFING
MTV's new show "The Buried Life" is just "The Bucket List" for young people ... I sat through bits and pieces of "Mo'Nique" because the former cast of "The Game" was on it. I love that show, and I'm still cursing CW for getting rid of one of the funniest, most entertaining, black sitcoms ever to air. At least BET was nice enough to pick it up.

Last word

Since nothing is on TV besides Christmas movies and holiday specials, this will be my last blog for the week. I may drop in from time to time in the next few days, but only to remind you of a good repeat or some New Year specials. Merry Christmas! Your present is a big ol' helping of ...

"Teen Mom" (MTV, Tues., 10:00): I wanted to spend this posting talking about Maci (with son, Bentley) and how responsible she's trying to be, but I feel and Farrah rant coming on.

These two girls are like night and day. Maci is still trying to make a life for herself. She dropped her loser boyfriend Ryan when he showed no interest in being a dad. She signed up for online classes because she didn't want to leave Bentley with a sitter. And she realizes how much she's given up to be a mom. Farrah on the other hand hasn't given up anything, farming out her parenting duties to her mom while she chases down loser after loser boy toys. When Pick of the Week Shaq ditches her to hang out with his friends, she pulls the same stunt she pulled with Cole, only this time she didn't have to drive two hours to confront him. He politely tells her he's only 18 and not in the business of being a baby daddy to a baby that ain't his. Farrah is angry that he "wasted her time," but I'm pissed that she wasted mine. Pause it: You can tell how much time Farrah spends with baby Sophia. She was trying to feed that poor little thing a big honkin' piece of bread, and not the soft little bread slices ... I'm talking a whole chunk of baguette! That baby is 8 months, not 8 years. Jesus couldn't even break that bread! While Maci is striving to be like her college-bound friends, Farrah's only aspiration is to work at an upscale restaurant. Way to dream big, Cupcake!

It's been four months since Catelynn and Tyler gave their daughter Carly up for adoption, but Tyler's dad keeps ripping off the Band-Aid every chance he gets. Rewind: Honestly, I think Catelynn and Tyler are ripping off their own bandages by trying to keep up with the baby's new life. If that were me, I would need more time to get used to the baby being gone before I would want to see pictures of her living a life with someone else. But that's just me. Daddy Butch, fresh off a prison stint, has the nerve to question their decision to give up their daughter even though he's missed a huge part of his son's life by being locked up. Butch says he'd live in a truck with the baby if he had to. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH YOU DOUGHNUT HOLE! Babies are expensive! Like I said before, I admire Catelynn and Tyler for making a mature and selfless decision, however, it is time for them to realize that they are not parents. Giving birth may make them a mom and dad, but looking at pictures and reading e-mails does not make them parents. The parents are the people who took the time to document Carly's growth then e-mailed to tell them about it. That's a parent ... and apparent.

Amber has been racing to a breakdown for weeks now and she almost made it to the finish line tonight. Her car breaks down, forcing her to miss her GED classes and 'fiance' Gary won't let her borrow his car. After the car stalls when she's out with the baby, Gary won't answer his phone and her friend has to drop her off at her dad's apartment. Gary shows up 4 hours later asking, "Why didn't you call me?" then follows up with he was resting in bed and taking a shower. Amber's dad steps in and all hell breaks loose. Gary insults dad and Amber, with all of her built-up, post-pregnancy anger, takes Gary's face and gives it a good shove into the door! Pause it: Waiting for the standing ovation to subside. Gary has to be the most useless piece of man to grace MTV, and that's saying a lot for a network that gave us Spencer Pratt. The two later make up and Amber says she doesn't want to be with someone who isn't going to be there for her. I don't blame you, honey! Next time Gary feels the need to 'take a nap', he'd better sleep with one eye open.

Some funny observations:

• After Farrah confronts Shaq, she thanks him for 'the talk' they had. That's what you call a talk? If a guy ditches me then I find out he's kickin' it at a friend's house, you best believe there will be some finger waggin', lip smackin' and neck rollin'. That's not how we roll at the Watch Party!
• Amber, Amber, Amber. Please stop wearing those short little dresses where I can see your uterus hanging out. And for that baby's sake, lose the "Jersey Shore" fingernails and get a regular manicure. It's a wonder little Leah has any eyeballs.
• Ryan tells Maci they should forget everything and just start over. YOU WISH, BUDDY! He's the one who was out all night partying and leaving Maci to do all the parenting. I'd want her to forget that little detail too.
• One last jab at Farrah: She was upset about being dumped because she had a baby. Honey, you were dumped because a baby is a big ol' c*#!blocker. Gotta call 'em like I see 'em.

... in all the wrong places

Sorry for not posting on Monday night. I was at a holiday party and didn't get a chance to watch everything. But when I finally did, I was really disappointed. Delko's special return to "CSI: Miami" was nothing more than him doing the same job, just working for the opposite side. Diddy didn't fire anyone. Even "Hoarders" didn't tug at gag reflex like it normally does. Tuesday was a little better. Here's the rundown:

"Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): The action picks up with Maci's baby daddy, Ryan, returning home after working a 6-week job away from home. He immediately heads out to hang with his boys, leaving Maci to take care of baby boy Bentley. She later moves out of their apartment and back in with her parents. Maci seems sincere about moving out, but we'll see how long she lasts before she caves to Ryan's magnetic charm. Pause it: Let's give Ryan time to go out and buy some magnetic charm. We're back in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2

Farrah (at left with daughter Sophia) is still in the running for being world's bitchiest teen mom. She determined not to be a single mom so she's trying to date her way through the male population in her hometown. This week loser is Shaq, a black kid she met at work. And stereotypes be damned, his favorite food is ... wait for it ... chicken, which she promises to cook for him. Rewind: I hope she does a better job with that chicken than she did with that microwave pizza last week.

Farrah needs a serious reality check and her sister is determined to give it to her. When sis calls her out for focusing on dating instead of spending time with Sophia, Farrah storms out and whines to her granny that she's a good mom. Cut to her driving off with Sophia on the hood of her car. OK, she didn't do that, but you see where I'm going with this.

Amber desperately wants to be a high school graduate and set out to get a diploma. Too bad her career counselor says her only option is a Good Enough Diploma. At least she's trying to do something with her life. She scores well on her GED pretest and she finally gets a ray of hope.

Catelynn and Tyler did a commendable deed when they gave their daughter Carly up for adoption, but now it's time to let go of the strings. They talk about their baby like she's on loan to her new parents. They have an open-adoption agreement but that doesn't entitle them to the stuff they are asking for. I think it's generous of the parents to send them pictures and emails about Carly, but I don't blame them for wanting to keep a little bit of distance. Catelynn believes it's her right as a mother to know Carly's last name, but I've got news for you hon: You're a mother, but you're not the mother. Sorry for the harsh reality, but just because you've given birth doesn't make you mature.

CHANNEL SURFING

• If Russell doesn't win "So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00), you have the judges to thank for that. They've been hanging out in his butt all season, singing his praise. But America tends to hate that and always votes for the person least likely to win. *Looking at Kathryn significantly* I'm sure she'll win because the best dancer has never won the competition. Sorry Russell. Enjoy that second place trophy, but if you win, you owe me money for my phone bill. I voted multiple times ;-)
• I was all geared up to write about "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00), but the storyline was as old as Cain and Abel. A detention center gets kickbacks for every kid sent to juvie. Did I not beg for this story to be different? It's already been done on multiple shows this season. Originality people. That's what wins awards.
• "How the Earth Was Made" (History, 9:00): Finding out how the Sahara desert was made was about as dry as the desert itself. I'm so sorry for recommending it. Please see the cashier for your refund.
• "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" returns January 4 on ABC Family. Now that Amy has had the baby the action is really lame. I hope they come back with better stories.
• "The Colbert Report" (Comedy Central): Stephen Colbert is freakin' hilarious. Thanks for calling out Washington state for it's "holiday tree" and taking "Christ" out of Christmas. A wag of the finger to Gov. Gregoire. And his rap performance of "Empire State of Mind" alongside Alicia Keys earned him a heap of street cred! Mad props, yo! (or whatever it is they say in New York).
• "The Real World: DC" (MTV) premiers next Wednesday. Is this show still relevant to anyone born after 1990?

Debbie Downer

I was really excited for tonight, but it ended up being kind of a downer. Yes, the guy got the girl on "Glee", but it was a dark and painful drive getting there. The holidays are supposed to be a time of joyous TV. Tonight I got a big ol' hump of coal.

"Glee" (FOX, 9:00): I know I'll probably get a lot of comments on the contrary, but I didn't really enjoy this episode. While there were some real laugh-out-loud moments, I found the action to be really depressing.

Everyone in New Directions knows Puck is Quinn's real baby daddy except Rachel. Once she finds out the truth she promptly spills the beans to Finn, who believed he'd gotten Quinn pregnant by dry humping in the hot tub. Finn punches Puck then quits the Glee Club, leaving them one singer short for sectionals.

Mr. Schue is still on punishment over the whole mattress debacle, so he can't go to the competition with the group. Emma volunteers to take his place, even though she's supposed to be getting married the same day. "We just pushed it back a few hours so now it doesn't have to happen in broad daylight," she explained.

Once they arrive at sectionals, New Direction draws the last slot to perform and have to sit through two other show choirs sing songs from their set list. Coach Sue had passed it along to the competition to insure the Glee Club's (and Mr. Schuester's) demise. After a pep talk from Mr. Schue, Finn rides in on his white horse to save the day. New Directions wins sectionals and Mr. Schue turns Coach Sue in to Principal Figgins for giving away their set list. In the end, Mr. Schue gets the Glee Club back, Sue is suspended from coaching the Cheerios, and Emma is left at the alter but gets swept off her feet by Mr. Schue after confessing her love.

Funniest line heard all night - Sue to Mr. Schue: "I am reasonably confident that you will be adding 'revenge' to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian." She then kisses her fingers, puts them to Schue's lips and says, "Love ya like a sista." Classic!

Featured songs
"And I Am Telling You ..." - "Dreamgirls"
"Don't Rain On My Parade" - "Funny Girls"
"You Can't Always Get What You Want" - The Rolling Stones
"My Life Would Suck Without You" - Kelly Clarkson
Rewind: Did you notice that the choreography was a mash-up of steps from all the numbers they'd performed?

"Barbara Walters Special - 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009" (ABC, 10:00): Here are my thoughts on why Barb thinks these people are fascinating:

1. Michelle Obama - She wears sleeveless dresses year-round
2. The Jackson children - They're famous father died and now they can take their masks off.
3. Sarah Palin - She went rogue, but owes her success to Tina Fey.
4. Brett Favre - He's old and still plays football.
5. Adam Lambert - He's gay and kissed another guy on TV. Call me country, but isn't that how gay works? Fascinating would be him kissing a goat or something.
6. Glenn Beck - For creating an insurgence of the use of the word 'fascist'.
7. Kate Gosselin - She had 8 kids then pimped them out on TV for swag and free trips. Then she divorced the man who destroyed her uterus.
8. Tyler Perry - He has a lot of hyphens in his title (actor-director-producer-studio owner-black).
9. Jenny Sanford - She didn't stand by her cheating husband. That's not fascinating either. That's thinking smart before taking him to the cleaners.
10. Lady Gaga - Because she bleeds during her performances.

REALITY CHECK
"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00): The stage is set for next week's finale and over 8 million votes were cast to narrow the field down to our Top 6. I don't remember their ever being six dancers in the finale, but I'm rolling with it. After a great opening number choreographed by Sonia Tayeh, Cat sends Ryan and Legacy, Ellenore and Mollee to the bottom 4. I was glad to see Mollee in the bottom. Her cutesy schtick was getting on my nerves. For the guys, it's hard to see any of them go. There's a lot of male talent this season and I'm not sure their female counterparts are dancing up to their skill. Fast forward through useless performances from The Wonder Girls and "Idol" winner Kris Allen to see Mollee and Legacy get the ax. I really hated to see him go. Nigel is always saying how "SYTYCD" is about dancers growing and progressing and for me that dancer was Legacy. Yes, his crying was annoying, but you could tell this B-Boy was really growing in different styles of dance.

So we have Ellenore, Ryan, Ashleigh, Kathryn, Jakob and my personal favorite, Russell competing for the title. Along with Legacy, he's the dancer I think has grown the most. And he's sort of cute. Sort of.

"Top Chef" (Bravo, 10:00): So it was the Voltaggio brothers vs. southern cook Kevin in one of the closest finales ever on "Top Chef". The 3 finalists won a combined total of 12 out of the 13 elimination challenges, so obviously they know how to make good food. Eliminated contestants were made sous chefs by a random knife draw, with Kevin getting the worst picks with Preeti and Ash. For the final challenge, the cooks had to create a 3-course meal. The first course was a box full of secret ingredients and they had to use everything in the box to create the dish. The second course was a free-for-all and the third course had to be a dessert. The judges later added a fourth course inspired by favorite childhood memories.

As it usually goes on "Top Chef", the better cook crashed and burned (Kevin) and it was down to the dreaded brothers - refined Bryan or risky Michael. The judges told Bryan to pack his knives, giving the title to his cocky brother. Talk about leaving a bad taste.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): It was almost an upset as KellyAnne and Sarah took on four Tarzans and a Jane, but alas, the Champions pulled away at the end to bank the $160,000 prize. I wasn't surprised that the girls did as well as they did, but I was surprised at how weak Susie really is as a competitor. She's undefeated in one-on-one face offs, but boy, she has no stamina for the long challenges. In the end, Johnny was right about her weighing the team down, but she came in handy at during the puzzle part of the challenge. Pause it: Was anybody else annoyed that Susie kept saying how exhausted she was when she hadn't done anything? *Punching Susie in face and handing her check to more deserving Sarah and KellyAnne.*

I was rushing home tonight because I thought Barbara Walters would be revealing her Top 10. I guess I should've read my own notes.

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00): It's finale night and I find it highly ironic that a weight loss show packs on so many extras to stretch drag this thing to two hours. First, second and last of all, Allison Sweeney is horrible at live-hosting. HORRIBLE! I find it painful to watch her at these finale shows. And let me just add my disclaimer now: If it sounds like I'm hating on these contestants, you are probably right. But don't pretend you weren't thinking the same thing. I say it so you don't have to.

So after 154 days and over 1,000 lbs. lost on the ranch, America votes Amanda into the final spot. Big mistake, America. I wasn't rooting for Liz, but you've already given Amanda her second chance. She was working on thirds. It is really inspiring to see how much weight these people drop, but sometimes when you transform your body, you also transform your face and that's not always a good thing. Abby, the woman who lost her husband and kids in a car accident, was barely recognizable. So was Danny. He looks like an older version of T.R. Knight (formerly Dr. George O'Malley from "Grey's Anatomy". Wild-Eyed Tracey is now Wild-Smile Tracey and favors a diabolical Molly Shannon. SCARY! But it was Rebecca, who remade her makeover into a bad Sandy Duncan. The whole season she whined that she was more than just a pretty face. Well now you're a pretty face with a bad haircut and color. Good thing Rebecca won that at-home prize money. She can spend her first $100 on a new hairstyle.

Shay would've looked better in a dress or skirt. Those pants didn't really do her weight loss any justice. Subway has pledged to follow her for the rest of her weight loss journey, and for every pound she loses between now and May 2010, they will pay her $1,000. Pause it: If I had somebody willing to pay me to lose weight then yes, I would probably get off my tail and run to the gym. But I don't so I will continue to eat my birthday cake until it's all gone.

Danny pulls off the upset, beating out Rudy and Amanda for the $250,000 prize. Here are the final standings by percentage of weight loss:

1. Danny: 55.58%
2. Rudy: 52.94%
3. Rebecca: 49.82%
4. Tracey: 47.2%
5. Julio: 44.23%
6. Antoine: 41.42%
7. Abby: 40.49%
8. Shay: 36.13%
9. Allen: 35.69%
10. Daniel: 35.58%
11. Sean: 34.91%
12. Amanda: 34.8% (I'm not absolutely sure since they didn't say it out loud.)
13. Liz: 34.28%
14. Dina: 31.23%
15. Alexandra: 29.45%
16. Coach Mo: 25.92%

New season of "Biggest Loser: Couples" begins Jan. 5. I like this show, but I liked it a lot more when it was coming on once a year. Commercial break: NBC is saying their new show "Sing-Off" is a cross between "American Idol" and "Glee", two shows that air on FOX. Whoever wrote that promo for NBC should be fired. This is the same network that disinvited the "Glee" cast from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because they felt it was giving them too much exposure.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00): Fab Tab finally met her match in Nikki, the owner of Brownes & Co. in Miami, Florida. European Nikki doesn't like how Americans need to be coddled and told how wonderful they are so she inflicts fear and negative feedback on them at every chance she gets. Her staff is so terrified of her, one stylist was afraid to admit she was a mother out of fear Nikki would turn on her. After Tabatha renovates the shop, Nikki rattles off a laundry list of things she doesn't like about the new salon: the paint, the waiting area, the floors. "Nikki is so insufferable that it makes me want to punch her," Tabatha says. Nobody would've blamed you, Tab. I don't typically use ugly words to describe people but I'll just say I'm glad I won't be seeing Nikki next Tuesday. (You know what I'm saying).
• "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): I takes an awful lot of guts to come on TV and air your dirty laundry. (And I'm not talking about that fake stuff on "The Hills".) I'm talking about teen-aged girls who open themselves up to ridicule and judgement for getting pregnant in high school. MTV cranks out a lot of trash, but this is one show that parents should sit down and watch with their children. There's Amber, a girl who is so overwhelmed with anxiety that she's put on medication; Catelynn, who gave her daughter up for adoption but continues to have unprotected sex; young mom Maci who is supposedly engaged, but fails to set a wedding date; and then there's Farrah, Miss "I-Got-Pregnant-or-Whatever", wannabe model who seems to think life doesn't stop just because you're a teen mother. No Farrah, life doesn't stop, but yours should be coming up on a 'yield' sign at any minute now. Driving 2 hours to confront a boy about cheating on you (whom you've only been dating for 3 weeks) proves she has no clue about the importance of motherhood. Those are precious hours of her baby's life that she will never get back. This is one time I'll swallow that bitter pill and say, "Mother knows best." Put down the mirror, Farrah and pay attention.

Riding the reality wave

I got my reality check when the electricity went out for almost an hour. Here's yours:

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, 8:00): The four remaining girls learn hula hip-hop and the winner gets a Maui vacation. For the life of me I can't figure out what this has to do with modeling (unless they are trying out for the part of "hoochie" in a Lil Wayne video). Before a Pele (goddess of volcanoes) photo shoot, the models learn that two girls will be going home. I totally called Laura a fresher version of Rachel Hunter before Ty Ty and the judges did. Nicole served up her usual hot plate of fierce and they'll be going head-to-head in an unknown designer's fashion show. Pause it: You'd think with all her clout, Tyra could at least get a big name designer. I think Nicole is going to take it, but I wouldn't mind if Laura wins. Everyone who was happy to see Erin go, raise your hand! Which model are you pulling for?

"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00): For the first time this season the vote is in the hands of the viewers and you guys almost got it right. Almost. The bottom three vote-getters were Ellenore & Ryan, Pauline & Peter and Kevin & Karen. What happened to Mollee and Nathan? They totally should've been in Ellenore & Ryan's spot. We're reminded that America votes for their favorite dancer, not necessarily the best one. Pause it: The best dancer never wins on this show. (I'm winking at you, Will, from Season 4 and Brandon from Season 5). The curse of the quickstep strikes again as Pauline and Peter are sent home. Thank goodness all of the tappers are gone. Good on them for making it onto the show, but seriously ... a tap dancer would never win this competition.

A few thoughts: I wish Nigel would stop comparing this season's dancers to Season 5. We've moved on; you need to as well. ... Was anyone else creeped out by the tall man in the midst of all those young, screaming girls after the commercial break. He looked out of place and kind of perverted.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): Unfortunately for the Challengers, lazy Casey is still around. She is the most useless piece of skin I have ever seen on these challenges. These people came to win money and she's acting like she's at MTV Beach House. The Champions win again and Johanna chooses to battle Sarah in The Ruins saying she could never live it down if she lost to Casey. And even though Cohutta has knocked out two power players, Darrell picks him because he has banked the most money so far. Johanna has been on four of these challenges and this is her first time being in a one-on-one showdown. Pause it: She must've been getting by on her looks because she proved tonight she's not as strong as people have made her out to be. Time to get a real job, Joey. Darrell beats Cohutta and now has the biggest cashpot with $31,000. What's that I see on Darrell's back? Looks like a target.