The eyes have it

Crazy night, these Wednesdays! Crazy!

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, 8:00): There's only 5 skinny minis left and Tyra is really scrapping the bottom of the model barrel this season. These girls have no personality and no height. You can be without one or the other but not both! Tonight the girls learn how to pose in swimsuits from a Victoria's Secret model, Marisa Miller. Nicole wins the challenge and gets a chocolate pearl necklace and extra frames. In a school-yard pick, three other models also get extras, but Erin is left out. "She's a brat and gets on people's nerves," Nicole explains. Hi-five on that one, Nicole. Erin's age is showing and she's 18 going on 3.

At the photo shoot, the models have to pose underwater with the Fabio of photography, Russell James. Pause it: Seriously, the guy looks like he hasn't had a haircut since the early 70s. Laura has a fear of drowning and starts hyperventilating as soon as she goes under. She still manages to get a fantabulous shot, as does Nicole. But it's Jennifer who earns best photo of the week, leaving Sundai and Erin sinking to the bottom two. One would think Erin this is Erin's week to go seeing how she's been in the bottom 3 weeks in a row now. But Sundai's cherry is knocked off and she's sent home.

Nicole has perked up since her robot twin Brittney is gone. It's like her circuit board shorted and she learned how to smile. And has anybody noticed that Nicole bares a resemblance to the other red-headed Nicole from Cycle 5? Sundai knew better than to let that weave get wet during the posing challenge, but water could only help that sad piece of hair at this point. Two girls are getting cut next week and one of them had better be Erin.

"Criminal Minds" (CBS, 9:00): I would like to meet the mind who comes up with the ideas for the serial killers on this show. Last week it was a man impregnating women then killing them after they give birth. This week it was a freak who takes people's eyes after he kills them ... then puts them in the fridge next to the mustard.

This show has a very "Dexter" quality about it. You definitely can't eat while watching this show. It's like sitting through a horror movie. Especially when the victims go looking for trouble instead of running to their cars at the first sign of danger. Pause it: Don't you ladies know that a staircase is one of the most dangerous places for a woman at night? That is why I proudly take the elevator ... day and night ... to the second floor.

The killer was a borderline schizo taxidermist (wow) who had been told he was bad at doing the eyes. So he goes out and starts snatching people's pupils? Couldn't he just go back to taxidermy school or something? C'mon, dude! It's a stuffed animal. He could've got a whole bag of eyeballs from Build-A-Bear.

"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV, 10:00): I understand why former cast members return to these shows - they're broke and have no real talent. What I can't understand is why they come on these challenges and act like they don't know that the person sitting next to them would sleep with their own mother to win the cash prize.

The Champions are coming apart at the seams and the alliance among the major players begins to fracture when Johnny realizes that the plan only works to Evan's benefit. The Johanna and Susie are using Veronica as a means to stay out of the Ruins, although Johanna has done nothing prove her worth. Regardless, the Champions win the challenge and Johnny throws Syrus under the bus by electing him to go in. He chooses to go up against Cohutta, who has the most money on the Challenger team. They called it the battle of David and Goliath but it was more like the tortoise and the hare since nimble Cohutta was too fast for almost-40-years-old Syrus. KellyAnne proved too much for Veronica, leaving Susie and Johanna shaking in their sandals at the thought of going in next week. The teams are even in numbers now and I were on the Challengers, I would just sit back and let the Champions implode. It won't take long with this bunch of howler monkeys.

Watch this, tape that - Wednesday

OMG! As new shows enter the fall season, my nights are as overcrowded as our prison system. Here's what's on:

8:00
Watch this: "America's Next Top Model" (CW). The models explore cliffs in Hawaii ... you know ... cause that's what models do.
Tape that: "Bill Cosby: The Mark Twain Humor Prize 2009" (PBS). America's favorite dad is honored with a prized that he's refused twice. Look for a reunion of "The Cosby Show" cast mates.
See it again: "Glee" (FOX). It's a repeat of the two mash-up episodes. If you missed them the first time, now is your chance to become a "gleek".

9:00
Watch this: "Modern Family" (ABC). I've been telling you to see this show online, but it's simply too funny to pass on. Tonight, Manny takes an interest in fencing.
Tape that: "Criminal Minds" (CBS). The team searches for a killer who removes his victims eyes. Have your vomit bucket on hand.
See it later in the week: "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC). Usually repeats on Saturdays at 10:00. The murders of three children of immigrant families are investigated.

10:00
Watch this: "Top Chef All Stars Dinner" (Bravo). Past contestants return to dish on memorable moments.
Tape that: "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (MTV). Now that Wes is gone maybe the rest of these knuckleheads will calm down.
See it online: "CSI: NY" (CBS). A software company executive is murdered. They'll probably make a game out of it.
Also on: "South Park" (Comedy Central). The episode is called "The F-Word". Enough said.

Stay tuned

Update: ABC did not post this episode online so I am frantically looking for a way to see the pilot. More info to come.

Check back in for a review of ABC's new sci-fi drama "V" tomorrow.

The takeover

Tuesday night became one of my worst TV nightmares when three good shows were airing in the 8:00 time slot. At one point, I was watching 2 shows on TV and one online. Craziness! Here's a rundown of what I was watching.

"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00): Once again the World Series throws off the schedule and the judges get to decide who gets cut. Noelle is back in the competition after sitting out last week with a bum knee, and Nigel says that network big wigs have cleared the way for ailing Billy Bell and his replacement Brandon to both return next year.

Season 5 dancers didn't live up to the judges hype, and Season 6 is leaving me feeling a little let down so far. Not by the dancers, but the choreography. Sometimes they go so far out into la la land with these concepts that they make it hard to showcase the dancing. Wade Robson's piece based on Van Gogh's Starry Night painting was over the top and complex. The hip hop routine put together by newbie Jamal Sims had too many props and the Bollywood number was more about the lighting than the dancing. Tyce Diorio actually put together a great Broadway number from "The Color Purple", but it was wasted on Bianca and Victor who brought no excitement to it.

The best performances of the night came from Legacy and Kathryn in a contemporary piece by Stacey Tookey, and Ryan and Ellenore in a sexy Argentine tango. Bianca, Victor, Phillip and Noelle are placed in the bottom four, and in the click of a shoe, 2 of the 3 tappers (Bianca and Phillip) are sent home. I wasn't fond of either of them but tappers are really at a disadvantage in this competition. You can barely hear the tapping and they aren't trained to move their bodies the way other dancers are. Last tapper standing Peter had better bring it once viewers get to vote. I suspect they feel the same way I do.

"Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00): Does anyone even know who Tabatha Coffey is? I can tell you she was the resident bitch contestant on Jaclyn Smith's short-lived reality show "Shear Genius"; she's only famous for having a sharp tongue. That being said, I LOVE this woman! She's brash, sassy and tells it like it is. She's like my twin! (In a Village of the Damned kind of way.) In the Season 2 opener, she travel to Orbit Salon in Chicago where the owner is $750,000 in debt. 20 years ago, Orbit was the premier salon in Chicago, but now it's a giant hairball and owner Eddie has become a hoarder of hair products. His basement is stacked with $100,000 worth of retail items and personal junk.

Last season, people cried when upon Tabatha's arrived. The Orbit's staff cheered, but that excitement soon turns to embarrassment then anger after she lays into them about their technique and lack of pride in the salon. The place was a filthy mess with hair all over the floor, bathrooms that greet you with a smell and products caked with dust. Tabatha gives them a chance to prove their worth by bringing in patrons for the stylists to work on. Lindsay was not a fan of being told how to do hair so she storms out and tells Tabatha to "F*&# off". Pause it: Her tombstone will read "Here lies Lindsay. Tabatha f*&#ed her up." The staff has good hairdressing skills, they're just lazy. In the end, Tabatha shames ... er, motivates Eddie into becoming a better manager, and she brings Orbit back into our solar system by making the salon more chic and modern. Lindsay is shown the door for not being a team player. With that attitude I'm sure she's still unemployed.

This show may not be for everyone's taste, but you should watch it if only to learn what goes on behind the doors of your hair salon. Is the place you get your hair done in need of a takeover? If so then why are you still going there for service?

CHANNEL SURFING
On "The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00), teams travel to Washington, D.C. to bring awareness to obesity and promote healthy living. Was it just me or was the usually void of emotion Alli a little more amped than usual? The contestants sit down with senators to discuss adding more physical education courses to school curriculum's, and later they make a salad from the White House garden. Pause it: WHAT? No appearance from the first lady? No glimpse of Sasha? Malia? Not even Bo? At the weigh in, Rebecca has immunity and Shay is still crying. Still. Crying. She breaks 400 lbs. by losing 9 and I'm proud of her for staying in the game. But it is weird to see someone happy about being 393 lbs. I'm just saying. Liz and Wild-Eyed Tracey fall below the yellow line and karma bites back hard when Tracey is sent home. A moment of silence for her maniacal gaze. May the wild eyes rest in peace.

"The Hills" (MTV, 10:00): To quench her pregnancy thirst, Spencer gets Heidi a pair of puppies for her birthday. Brody is on a break from Jayde so he calls up ex-girlfriend Kristin to be his date to Heidi's party. Audrina is still the dumbest girl on the planet when it comes to relationships. She's still carrying a torch for grease monkey Justin, even though he's using Kristin as his new doormat. My brain tells me to stop watching this show. My heart is in agreement.

Post traumatic stress

"Trauma" (NBC, Mon., 9:00) is one of my favorite new shows, and I forgot to watch last night. I guess once the news came down that NBC had pulled the plug on it, I mentally checked out. Thanks, NBC for breaking my heart. What are you going to do for your next act? Take grandma off life support?

There was a whole lot of trauma when Nancy and Glenn are sent on a run and their ambulance gets hit by a city bus. The scene was reminiscent of the season opener's helicopter crash where you're so caught up in the dialogue then BOOM! The action makes you gasp! Boone and Tyler were first on the scene and Boone gets to call the shots because he's a paramedic and Tyler is just an EMT. Pause it: Tonight I learned that the difference between a paramedic and an EMT is that a paramedic can "break the skin", i.e., give shots, start IVs, etc. EMTs are limited in the care they can give. Tyler wanted to take care to their own first, but Boone being the leader said they must stick to protocol and treat the most critical patients before Glenn and Nancy, who were alert and talking. I admired Boone as a true leader for staying calm and fair in a situation where he could have easily ignored the bleeding passengers on the bus and given all his attention to his friends.

It was an emotional day for all the medics as they were reminded of losing their friends in the copter crash. Nancy escaped with a ruptured spleen and Glenn suffered a head laceration and a fractured clavicle (that's a cut on the head and broken collar bone for all you medically challenged). They say doctors make the worst patients, but I thought it was very touching that Nancy didn't let Glenn know how badly hurt she was. He was already feeling guilty for causing the crash, even though they never reveal who was at fault.

I'm so mad at NBC for letting me get attached to a show then snatching it away. They are putting all their eggs in Jay Leno's basket, hedging that his show will be a success. So far the only thing it's been good at is getting better shows kicked off the air.

Watch this, tape that - Tuesday

Tuesday night is getting tighter with the addition of ABC's "V". And most of the good shows are 2 hours long so this is going to get dicey.

8:00
Watch this: "Biggest Loser" (NBC). Hopefully this is the night that Wild-Eyed Tracey gets the boot. The losers travel to Washington, D.C. for a meeting with members of Congress and a workout at the Washington Monument. Tell Sasha and Malia I said "hi!"
Tape that: "So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX). We're already down to 18 dancers and this week, the viewers decide the bottom two. It's not going to be pretty for the tap dancers.
See it online: "V" (ABC). In the series premier, an alien leader delivers a message of peace. If you're not into dance or losing weight you could watch this instead of waiting for it to post. I'm looking forward to it but it doesn't trump "SYTYCD".

10:00
Watch this: "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo). The bleach-blond beast is back and she's revamping a Chicago salon in the Season 2 opener.
Tape that: "The Good Wife" (CBS). Alicia handles the appeal of a death-row inmate.
See it on repeat: "The Hills" (MTV); "Monica: Still Standing" (BET). Both channels will air these shows multiple times. You can also see them online.

Mundane Monday

Not much on in terms of quality television tonight so take you pick on this buffet.

"I Want to Work For Diddy 2" (VH1, 10:00): Like all VH1 shows, Diddy isn't happy with his picks from last season so they give him a second chance. Pause it: Will we be getting a dose of reality game shows with previous candidates vying for cash prizes? I'm part of the 5% of the population who actually admires Sean "Diddy" Combs. The story of how he went from a street promoter to a multi-million dollar mogul should be an inspiration to anyone who's ever dreamed big. That being said, he's still a cocky, mouth-breather.

In the season opener he makes the assistants spend their first night camped out on the roof of a parking garage. Then he breaks out his acting skills, giving interviews that are harsh, rude and emotional, to see how the candidates would react. One of the interview questions was to state in 30 seconds why Diddy should hire them. Pageant queen Noelle's answer: "Everybody loves an Asian girl." Pause it: No, sweetie they don't. Just ask Kim Jong Il. Oh ... wait.

The assistants are divided into two teams - Uptown and Downtown. For their first task they each must go onto the streets of New York and collect video of people speaking in foreign languages promoting Diddy's new album. Turn that down: I hope that 'Last Train to Paris' is leaving soon cause he's been touting this album for a while now. Underdogs Downtown gather the most number of languages and take the first win. Losing team Uptown picks Noelle and team leader Ivory to go up for elimination. Ivory is going to be one of many women playing the "angry black woman" role this season. She's like an aggressive pit bull - a loud bark and a lot of bite. Noelle is given the boot and can't work for Diddy. I guess not everyone loves an Asian girl.

CHANNEL SURFING

What was up with "CSI: Miami" (CBS, 10:00) stealing the plot from box office hit "The Hangover"? The CSIs had to recreate a night of botched bachelor party in order to find the missing groom. The only thing missing was Mike Tyson and a baby. "Miami" is my least favorite of the "CSI" franchise because I can't stand David Caruso in his portrayal of Horatio Caine. I think Caruso thinks that viewers love his one-liner-with-sunglass-removal schtick. Sorry to tell you, buddy: You're not in on the joke, you are the joke. (Insert one liner here).

Gosselins, Gosselins go away. Your 15 is up so take your pay.

It was the same statement, different interviewer on "Kate: Her Story" (TLC, 9:00). She's becoming a really good cryer, but she needs a dictionary and a speech writer for all the words she makes up. I thought Jon was the inarticulate one. TLC is doing their best to bleed this turnip. Next week we get an hour of viewers favorite moments. I'm sure I can name them all, as we've seen this "special" twice already. Move on, Gosselins. Move on.