Checking in, checking on

Hey Watch Party followers! Now before you start throwing your TV remotes at me, let me explain my absence. See, what had happened was I took a trip home to Arkansas to see my nieces graduate from high school. The two weeks I was away just happened to be the end of the Spring TV season. I watched every finale: "Glee", "Survivor" (Yay, Sandra!), "Grey's Anatomy" (Whoa, crazy Columbine shooter guy!) ... I saw them all. But there wasn't a long enough break in the action for me to write about anything I was watching.

That was May. Fast forward to the summer months when TV is nothing but reality, and my reality is nothing but fantasy. I usually use the summer to catch up on my reading ("Game Change," anyone?), but this summer I thought I'd give dating a whirl. And you know what I've discovered? It eats up a lot of my TV-watching time. It also takes a lot of patience to date a guy who doesn't have cable and his 152,000-inch TV comes with only 10 channels. *Placing remote to temple, pulling trigger* So what does a person with no cable do when they visit a person who has over 200 channels? They surf, of course. We barely get through 5 minutes of one show before he's moved on to the next. And who watches those video channels, anyway? My remote never goes higher than the Encore movie channel!

In any case, he'll be around for awhile which means I have to find a way to balance having a social life with continuing the Watch Party. Oh, no ... no. I don't have a solution right now! I'm working on it. But here are some thoughts on what I have been watching this summer:

"Big Brother" (CBS): The show comes on multiple times a week which means multiple times for ramped up drama. Aside from the lame "saboteur" twist, the show has produced plenty of humor and drama. Who knew the "Kosher King," meek little Andrew, would leave a wake of victims with his vengeful exit speech? Seeing Kristen and Hayden squirm over their reveal showmance was priceless. And producers, can you please tell Rachel to tone it down in the Diary Room? Her "excited voice" is as bad as that dye job. I'm rooting for Britney! The show airs on Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.

"Top Chef: D.C." (Bravo, Wed., 9:00): Why do the judges keep rewarding Angelo for his Asian dishes? To me it shows that that's the only thing he knows how to cook. And shouldn't a top chef have more than soy sauce and sushi under his apron? I'm just sayin'!

"Project Runway" (Lifetime, Thurs., 9:00): Has anyone been paying attention to the commercials for this season? Let's just say they look more like advertisements for a Lifetime movie than a sewing show. The show promised a huge twist, but it failed to deliver. They made it seem as if multiple people would be cut in the first episode when all they did was dump the wrong person for a guy who basically made a Snuggie. The bigger twist is that the show is 90 minutes this season, meaning they won't be replaying it the same night like they usually do. Do us a favor, Lifetime! Save that extra 30 minutes and give us more shots of the actual garments. I don't care to see the designers' faces when their model takes the runway. Oh, and please loose the dark backdrop. You can barely see the clothes if the material is anything other than white. Or is it just me?

"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, Wed. & Thurs.): In an effort to revamp the show, the network has taken my favorite summer staple and made a mockery of it. When I first heard they were doing an all-star season, I was excited to see some of the best contestants compete again. But all they did was bring back 3 people I actually remember and a gang of dancers who were voted off their seasons early. I didn't watch the audition rounds so I have no attachment to any of the contestants. The one guy I was pulling for (ballet dancer Alex) was sidelined by an injury just one week after he performed a smokin' hot hip-hop number along side Season 4's tWitch Boss (yes, that's how he spells it). Watch the performance here.

I'll try to do a better job of checking in more often. But I'll leave you with this little nugget in the meantime. Be easy, TV Watch Party crew!

Take a knee

I know I have been so out of the loop on blogging, but I just had to chime in on one of THE best episodes of "Friday Night Lights" (NBC, 8:00) EVER.

"FNL" is already one of the most underrated shows on television and it pains me to think how many people miss out on the goodness that is Dillon, Texas. I have gone through plenty of "favorite shows" during my years of TV watching, but there has never been a show that touches me as deeply as "Friday Night Lights". If you aren't watching it then shame on you. I have Seasons 1-3 if you need to borrow them. In this episode, "The Son", Matt learns that his father died in combat in Iraq, and he's left to shoulder the burden of planning the funeral of a man he barely knew. Pause it: As soon as I saw the Casualty Assistance Officer and Grandma Saracen crying I ran to grab my tissues.

When news spreads around Dillon that Matt's dad was killed, the Taylors rally around the former football star in support. Julie (along with best friend Landry) try to help him through his grief. Tami steps in to help with funeral arrangements and Coach Taylor gives him a shoulder to cry on. With so much attention spent on Matt's grandma, I forgot he even had a father. I remember the episode in Season 1, when his dad shows up and Matt thinks he's there to stay. But it turns out his dad had reenlisted for the fourth time and was leaving Matt to care for his aging grandmother. That's a heavy load to carry for a high school junior. Back then it was obvious that Matt looked at Coach Taylor as a father-figure, so it was even more poignant when he walks Matt home after he reveals how much he resented his own dad.

I've said it before: Anything I see pertaining to the military these days make me tear up immediately. My friend's brother recently returned from Iraq, so watching this episode where there was a military funeral with a 21-gun salute just reminds you how lucky these men are who are get to come home to their loved ones. The Watch Party had completely dissolved into a ball of tears by the time the funeral was over. When Matt grabbed the shovel and began burying his father, I was a complete mess. It wasn't just tears streaming, it was to the point of almost hyperventilating. I haven't been this moved by a show since ... I don't know when I've been this moved by a show!!

In true "Friday Night Lights" form, we get reminders of what it's like to be from a small town and how close-knit the residents of Dillon, Texas are. Having Lyla return for the funeral and seeing Coach Taylor watch Smash play in a televised football game are pleasant little surprises that we get from the writers. It was also very moving to see Tim Riggins, his brother and Landry getting Matt drunk then taking him to the funeral home to see his dad's body, even after the parlor director advised him it was a bad idea. These people care about each other, and I care about them.

Most of the characters on "FNL" undergo some sort of transformation. Tyra went from school tramp to college student. Smash went from arrogant football star to a humble one. And Lyla Garrity went from cheerleader captain to slut to religious zealot back to slut then college co-ed. I think Matt is the only person who hasn't changed. Yes, he was a popular football star, but underneath he has remained the same loving, insecure boy we met four seasons ago. But GEEZ! Can we let up on the guy for a second? Bad things just keep happening to Matt Saracen. It sucks to never see him catch a break. He gave up art school in Chicago to stay with his girlfriend, Julie, only to find out she's applying to colleges all over the country. Now he works at a pizza place and attends a local junior college. Could it get any worse for Matt? Let's just hope they send his character away with a happy ending.

Around the town

• Vince and Luke are still at each other's throats. While the team is starting to turn around, these two are still antagonizing one another. A stolen wallet leads to a brawl in the street which leads to the boys getting arrested and Coach Taylor bailing them out. Pause it: So funny to see Vince handing Luke his wallet back as they pass the streets 5th and Shady.
• JD McCoy is turning into such a prick. I can't believe I was rooting for him last season.
• Vince is named Conference Player of the Week and part of the award is speaking to little kids. His speech to them: "Don't panic, stay cool and get paid." Enough said!
• When did Landry become such a lady's man? The kiss he planted on Jess didn't come from the same guy who was crushing on Tyra for two years before making a move on her. Way to go Landry!

This entry was originally posted in December 2009, after watching it on DirecTV.

Check in

Just quickly checking in to say that yes, I did watch the finale of "Survivor" and yes, I have plenty of thoughts about it. But they'll have to wait until I am no longer surrounded by 12 brothers and sisters and a gazillion nieces and nephews who are all demanding a piece of my attention. Until then, make sure you're watching "Friday Night Lights" (NBC, Fri., 8:00). It's hands down THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION!

Bait and switch

My sisters think it's crazy for me to blog while I'm on vacation, especially given all the other things I could be doing besides watching TV. (They have never quite understood my love for all things television). I have only watched about 3 hours of TV in the past 5 days, which for me would be the equivalent of trying to quit smoking cold turkey. But I couldn't let Thursday go by without giving some quick thoughts on "Survivor" (CBS, Thurs., 8:00).

First of all, the episode was nothing more than a glorified Sprint commercial. I guess I was supposed to be looking at how cool the phone was but all I kept thinking was how dirty their hands were while they were handling that shiny phone.

Secondly, I've had just about all I can stand out of Russell. When he called the girls "unappreciative little bitches" after Jerri didn't invite him along on the reward win, I wanted to punch him in the face. I wonder if he talks about his wife and daughters like that when he doesn't get his way. I'm pretty sure it will be him, Sandra and Parvati in the final 3. I'm pulling for Sandra, but I know Parvati has got the game in the bag.

Lastly, that immunity challenge reminded me of the game they played many seasons ago there the castaways had to stand in some weird Chinese contraption holding coins between their fingers. It looked really painful and I don't know that I could've held that position for 17 minutes. Pause it: But I'm certain I could've lasted longer than Colby's 15 seconds. Give that guy a V-8 and send him home.

Parvati wins immunity, foiling Russell's plan to backdoor her out of the game. He immediately sets his sights on Rupert, after giving Colby and Rupert his word that he was with them until the finals. Rupert and Colby vote to get rid of Sandra, who calmly plays the hidden idol. Rupert is shut down and gives the others the stink eye on his way out.

Tune in Sunday at 8 for the finale and reunion show. I can't wait to see Russell lose again. Although, I fear he may shoot himself if he doesn't get the title this time around.

Time out

I'm going to be leaving on a jet plane this week, heading to Arkansas for graduations and such. I'll be checking in periodically (i.e., "Survivor" night), but I'll do my best to have you come over if I see something worth watching.

Sour grapes

I was convicted this week after a coworker (and TV Watch Party attendee) told me that they miss my "Amazing Race" updates because that was their way to keep up with the show. I've taken notes on every episode, but for some reason, I haven't felt compelled to write about it ... until now. It's finale night!

"The Amazing Race" (CBS, 8:00): After last week's elimination of the detectives, I told my Watch Party cohort Mary that I would be OK with Don't Ask, Won't Tell (Dan and Jordan) winning the race if 8 Seconds (cowboys Jet and Cord) didn't come in first. Cut to me a week later completely pissed that the cowboys didn't win. Pause it: I could've dragged out the suspense until the end by giving you a play-by-play of what went down, but at this point it doesn't even matter. The real story is whether or not Dan and Jordan cheated their way into first and if the Sexy Lezzies' finish-line tirade ruined the show. *Checking 'yes' box on the survey*

At the start of the leg, the teams are told to hop a 6,000 mile flight to San Francisco. The teams are all even because the ticket counter doesn't open until 10:45 the next morning. Rewind: That really sucked because Don't Ask, Won't Tell were about 4 hours behind the cowboys. Now this is where it gets dicey: While Jet and Cord slept in line at the ticket counter, Dan and Jordan cut in front of them. The normally calm cowboys were rightly ticked off. "If they wanna drop the gloves, they can drop the gloves," Jet says. Once on the plane, Dan talks a flight attendant into letting them move to empty seats in first class.

There is a lot of buzz about whether moving to first class is cheating, but the rules of the race say you must BUY tickets in coach, but if you are moved or given seats in first or business class, that's OK. As for the cutting in line, that was just effed up. It's one thing to jockey for first place by trying to get tickets on a tight flight, but what Dan and Jordan did was just poor sportsmanship. Yes, they are competing for a million dollars, but what's great about "The Amazing Race" is that teams (for the most part) keep it clean (sort of). Maybe I'm just salty because the cowboys were so nice to the other teams. Good Karma should've been their cab driver on this leg.

For a last leg, the challenges weren't that hard: a 120-foot vertical climb, navigating a virtual world and solving a memory puzzle about eliminations. The virtual world was the most entertaining, only because of the way Cord was yelling out fake instructions while Dan was giving Jordan directions. "Do a back flip!" "Sashay!" "Ballet move!" I had to watch it twice because we were laughing so hard.

Where are Fred and Velma, you ask? They got stuck with an Asian cab driver who didn't understand them yelling at him and each other. "I want to punch you in the face," Caite lovingly yells at Brent. They never could catch up and ended up coming in third behind the cowboys.

At the finish line, the Lezzies are the only team that doesn't clap when Brent and Caite arrive at the check in. Pause it: Shame on usually-super-nice Phil for instigating Carol and Brandy, who are obviously still smarting about being U-Turned. "I don't want to hear 'sorry' from you. You purposely whacked us," Brandy screams. Talk about Debbie Downer! Not only did they have horrible attitudes on the race, but they proved what bitches they are by ruining what should've been a congratulatory moment for those who actually finished the race. Good for Caite for defusing the situation by not letting Brandy have the last word. "I'm the one standing here and not you." Touche.

Even though the cowboys didn't win, at least they left with some class and their integrity in tact, unlike Dan and Jordan, who successfully lived out his life-long dream of running the race, but will now carry the name "Team I Wanted the Cowboys To Win."

Some parting thoughts: If I ever hear the words "C'mon, bro!" again, I will fly to Rhode Island to beat Dan and Jordan with an ugly stick; I find it very ironic that the teams left Shanghai for California and everyone ended up Asian cab drivers.

CHANNEL SURFING
If you get some free time, check out last week's episode of "Medium" (cbs.com). It was quite the mix of time travel and ghost whispering. A fascinating show, indeed.

There's no crying in "Survivor"

What are the chances that as I prepare to go on vacation, I start coming down with something? I think my body senses that rest is right around the corner and is ready to start the vacation before it's actually time. Add that to the guilt I'm feeling for not blogging about "The Amazing Race" and you've got yourself a sickly scribe. For those of you who follow the show, it's 8 Seconds, Don't Ask, Won't Tell and Fred and Velma in the finals. The last leg wraps up in San Francisco on Sunday. Here's a quick recap of ...

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): Last season, I had a love/hate relationship with Russell. In the beginning I hated him, but by the end of the game I loved the way he was able to manipulate people into doing whatever he wanted. This season? Not so much. It's strictly hate/hate. I hate the way he tries to control women. I hate the way he insults anyone with a face. I hate the way he cockily thinks he's running the show when, in reality, it's Parvati who is outwitting circles around him.

After Candice foolishly voted with the Villains at last the Tribal Council, Rupert and Colby return to camp with a plethora of adjectives to describe her. "Colby and I are on a sinking ship," Rupert says. "There are no other Heroes." His nice-cup finally runneth over and he calls Russell out for being a liar and swearing on his kids' life. "Rupert, I'm a Villain ... I'm here to make your life hell," Russell yells.

When the castaways show up for the challenge, Jeff Probst informs them that it's an immunity challenge. Pause it: It looked like some sort of torture device. Our defense department should take note. The players must stand on an uncomfortable perch, holding up one arm which is attached to a bucket full of colored water. Both Rupert and Parv played the game once before, with Parv winning after lasting for six hours. Probst warns them that he'll be tempting them with food items throughout the challenge. After one minute in, he comes out with a covered tray. Both Sandra and Russell immediately agree to step down before he even reveals the item. Luckily for them it was milk and cookies and not some sort of Samoan delicacy or fish eyes or goat's feet. Another 20 minutes goes by and Colby steps down for doughnuts and coffee. One by one they all step down, leaving Rupert and Parvati to battle for immunity. Rupert and his broken toe (and what looks like the same bandage he's been wearing since day one) can't get comfortable on the perch and falls off after an 70 minutes. Parvati wins immunity.

Before the tribe departs, Probst reads a clue to another hidden immunity idol for everyone to hear. Rewind: I wonder if he did that because of the Danielle/Amanda scuffle last week where the rules were blurry about who owns the clue once it's found. When they get back to camp, everyone scatters to find the "burning bush" the clue spoke of. Pause it: How funny was it that Sandra was actually looking for a bush that was consumed by fire. This is Samoa sweetie, not Israel. Sandra does end up finding the idol and smartly stashes it under a rock to go back and read later. Rupert, knowing his time is almost up, decides to pretend he found the idol. He stuffs a rock in his pants pocket and returns to camp.

When Russell sees the bulge in Rupert's pocket (tee hee) he assumes that Rup has found the idol. "I know what a hidden idol looks like," he says. (Apparently it looks like a rock in your pocket). Russell tells his Villains that they must flush out the idol by splitting the votes between Rupert and Colby. They both opt for writing down Candice's name, which is funny because unbeknownst to Russell, Parv and the Pips want to get rid of Candice, too.

At Tribal Council, Probst probes Candice about her decision to flip to the Villains' side. She reasons that Amanda was next to go no matter how she voted. Colby tells her he's not buying her excuses and wants her to woman up about the real reason she jumped ship. She admits that she did it to advance herself in the game. After the votes are cast, Probst asks if anyone is going to play an idol. Rupert touches his pocket as if he's happy to see it, but alas, he has no idol. After a tight vote, Candice is voted out. Pause it: The Villains rode her hard and hung her up wet. In her parting words, she says, "Karma is a bitch sometimes." No truer words, girl. No truer words.

The castaways return to camp and Russell is furious again. His plan to split the votes was overruled by Parv and now he sees that he's not in control of the game anymore.

The second immunity challenge, is a puzzle race course. The first people to finish each round advances to the next one. The first round is a table maze and Rupert quickly finishes. Useless Colby brings up the rear while Sandra, Russell, Parv and Danielle join Rupert in the next round - a climbing wall. The players are given four pegs to use to get up the wall, but Russ practically runs up the almost-vertical spread. He moves ahead with Rupert and Parvati. The final round is a sliding puzzle. It looks like Rupert is about to escape the chopping block, but Russ comes from behind for the win. Dejected, Rupert says, "The lie of a rock in my pocket is not gonna save me tonight."

When the Villains discuss who they want gone, Parvati stresses that Rupert has to go next. She says that they are still five strong and they have plenty of time to worry about turning on each other. Russell, on the other hand, is worried about the weird bisexual current that's flowing between Parv and Danielle. He says it's supposed to be him and Parvati as a team, not her and Danielle. He wants to break up the happy couple and devises a plan to have them turn on each other. He tells each girl that the other wants to take her out of the game. What he didn't anticipate was Parvati challenging his information. She insists on talking to Danielle to get to the bottom of things. "If you do that, you're out of this game," Russ threatens. Parv counters with, "Don't tell me I can't have a conversation with anyone."

Once the girls talk, they realize that Russ's paranoia is getting the better of him. And now that the ladies know he lied, he's determined to eliminate Danielle. Getting rid of her will insure that Parvati will "stick to him like glue." Parv and Dani need Jerri's vote to make sure their plan to vote off Rupert goes down. She promises that she's sticking to the plan. Pause it: I'm at a loss as to why they didn't see this was a sign to blindside Russell.

This time at Tribal, Probst asks Rupert who's running the show. He says it's Parvati and Russell

who are in control of the game. It seems as if that answer stung Danielle a bit and she counters with the Villains make decisions together. Probst continues to needle Danielle about how things are going around camp. She tries to maintain the "one-big-happy-family" facade, but it crumbles when Jerri admits that camp was a little rowdy. Dani suggests it was just a misunderstanding and that everything is fine. Pause it: Did anyone notice how Danielle looked like Parvati's shadow, saying everything that Parv said 2 seconds after she said it. It was like Tribal Council was in Surround Sound. Danielle gets emotionally over Russell's distrust and starts sobbing. "We've been an alliance since the beginning," she cries. She says she's exhausted and the game is taking everything out of her. She then continues to seal her own fate when she reveals that she's closer to Parvati than Russell is. Cut to Parvati shaking her head and Dani's bonehead move. She basically turned her cards over for everyone to see. While Danielle is digging her grave, Russell is preparing her coffin - he whispers to Jerri to write down Dani's name. She complies and just like that, Danielle is done.

Again I have to ask: What is wrong with the castaways this season? I'm certain that Parvati has bathed in some magical potion that makes everyone fall for her charms. Why else would these people keep falling for her the way they do. The way Danielle was sobbing you would think she had some sort of girl crush on Parv. And Russell. Poor Russell. How devastated is he going to be when he loses this game for a second time? So much for that "Dumb ass girl alliance" comment. Like Candice said, karma is a bitch sometimes.

Watch this, tape that - Thursday

If you're loving this season of "Survivor," raise your hand! I thought so. Me too. Here's what's on:

8:00
Watch this: "Survivor" (CBS). Parvati is poised to take over this game now that she and Russell are on the outs.
Tape that: "Bones" (FOX). A quick tutorial is in order for Booth and Bones after two bodies are found in a cabin in the woods.
Also on: "Flash Forward" (ABC).

9:00
Watch this: "CSI:" (CBS). A mother is suspected in the disappearance of her family three years earlier.
Tape that: "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC). It's a repeat. A 700-pound patient arrives at Seattle Grace with numerous medical problems.
Also on: "The Office" (NBC).

10:00
Watch this: "Private Practice" (ABC). A frail Will returns and Naomi begs her other boyfriend to try his experimental ALS treatment on him.

Watch this, tape that - Wednesday

Happy Hump Day! Here are some shows to get you over the hurdle:

8:00
Watch this: "America's Next Top Model" (CW). The models visit the set of "The Lord of the Rings." I'm sure there will be some modeling, too.
Also on: "Lie to Me" (FOX). It's a repeat, but be prepared for fresh episodes to come soon.

9:00
Watch this: "Modern Family" (ABC). Gloria surprises Jay with a birthday trip to Hawaii, but somehow the rest of the family tags along.
Tape that: "Criminal Minds" (ABC). A killer commits suicide and leaves behind a clue identifying a person he kidnapped that could still be alive.

10:00
Watch this: "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC). A pregnant rape victim runs away from the hospital.
Tape that: "CSI: NY" (CBS). The team probes hardcore fighting after a slab of concrete starts bleeding.
Catch it on second run: "Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat 2" (MTV).

Watch this, tape that - Tuesday

I am officially disappointed in "Glee." The last two episodes have left me scratching my head and closing my ears. Here's what's on:

8:00
Watch this: "The Biggest Loser" (NBC). 2 hours. It's makeover night! The contestants get new looks and a $1,000 shopping spree.
Also on: "American Idol" (FOX). "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC). Results show.

9:00
Watch this: "Lost" (ABC). Jack starts to question Locke Monster's motives after he's asked to do a tough task.
Tape that: "Glee" (FOX). Will responds to rumors that are spreading around the school about the glee kids.

10:00
Watch this: "Parenthood" (NBC). I am LOVING this show! Now that Crosby and Jasmine have hooked up, they've got some 'splainin' to do to Jabbar.
Tape that: "The Good Wife" (CBS). Peter may go back to jail after his monitor goes off when he leaves the apartment to chase after Alicia.
See it online: "V" (ABC). "The Hills" (MTV).

Watch this, tape that - Monday

As my vacation approaches, I'm trying to determine what to do about the blog while I'm away. I'm going to try to do my best to check in every now and again, but I'll be with family and we all know how hit-or-miss that can be. Here's your Monday daily dose:

8:00
Watch this: "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC). Is anyone still watching now that Kate Gosselin is gone? I didn't really think so.

9:00
Watch this: "Gossip Girl" (CW). Serena's dad continues to cause trouble for Rufus and Lily.
Tape that: "American Experience" (PBS). The show examines the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. in "Roads to Memphis," which tracks James Earl Ray's cross-country odyssey.
See it online: "24" (FOX). Jack is still hell-bent on revenge for Renee's death.

10:00
Watch this: "CSI: Miami" (CBS). A jewelry heist results in murder and during the investigation, evidence is stolen from the lab.

I flip, you flop

I've been struggling for the last few weeks. I'm about to go on vacation for 2 weeks and I feel like I'm trying to cram a month's worth of work into 7 days. I'll do my best to get back on a more regular blog schedule, but as of late I'm barely averaging 4 hours of sleep a night ... and that's a good night! But I won't leave you hanging on Thursdays. Let's talk about the debauchery that's going on in Samoa. But a quick shout-out to my buddy Michael! Get well soon!

"Survivor" (CBS, Thurs., 8:00): Good lawd, there's a lot of confusion going on! My head was spinning after watching all the flipping and flopping. It was like watching two wealthy parents battling for custody of a kid neither of them really want. They just don't want to pay the child support. The "kids" in question are Sandra and Candice, the swing votes. By the time it was over, one castaway had abandoned her tribe and the one who made "Survivor" history was sent packing. Here's what went down:

After returning from Tribal Council, Russell is furious at Parvati about keeping her idol a secret. "It pisses me off that you didn't tell me," he rants. Parv, on the other hand, is secretly pleased, saying she wants Russell to be scared. Pause it: And after the move she made last week, he should be. Someone finally pushed Rupert's "on" button - he finally realizes that getting Sandra to flip is the Heroes' only chance to stay in the game. If only he had turned that switch on a week earlier. Russell, being the all-knowing soothsayer that he wishes he were, tells Candice she needs to get on board with the Villains. He predicts that Candy will follow his orders saying it doesn't matter what Sandra wants to do now that Candice is flipping.

At the reward challenge, it's "Survivor" shuffleboard. The players are divided into three teams of three. The team whose puck lands closest to the X wins a trip away from camp to see a screening of the movie "Treasure Island." Pause it: Wouldn't if have been more fitting for them to watch "Lord of the Flies?" Believing there's going to be a clue to another hidden idol, Parvati thinks it's pivotal for a Villain to win. For awhile it looks as if she's going to get her wish when Russell's puck is the only one to land near the X. It's down to Colby's last shot and he nails it, allowing himself, Amanda and Danielle to share in the reward. Pause it: I find it hilarious that the once strong and dominant Colby wins at a game of shuffleboard. Hey Colbster, your age is showing!

The three arrive at the reward house and Amanda has her eyes peeled for the idol. No, seriously. It was like her eyelids were pinned back and she couldn't blink because she was looking so hard. She doesn't find the clue, but as the trio are lying in bed watching the movie, Danielle spots the rolled-up paper in the bowl of popcorn and quickly tosses it underneath the bed. But Amanda notices that she dropped something and moves over to Dani's side of the bed hoping to find out what it is. She sees the clue on the floor, grabs it and stuffs it down her pants. Danielle freaks out and demands that Amanda give it back. A mini girl fight ensues with Danielle crying to Colby like a little beeyotch and Amanda pleading with her puppy dog eyes for him to back her up.

This is the first time in this game where Amanda was being aggressive. She was holding on to that clue like it was the last piece of chicken. Cirie would've been proud ... for about 10 seconds. Danielle is still crying to Colby that Amanda took her clue and to make her give it back. "I didn't even see what happened. I was watching 'Treasure Island,'" the doofus says. Colby tells Amanda she should return the clue to Danielle, WHICH SHE DOES, thereby proving two things: 1. Amanda cannot think for herself and 2. why Colby is losing at this game. He's such an idiot.

When they get back to camp, Russ and Parv start grilling Danielle about finding the idol. She tells them she did, but also adds some special effects saying she wrestled Amanda to the ground and ripped the clue from her hands. Pause it: That's pretty close to what happened if you leave out the part about Colby telling Amanda to give it back and Amanda handing it to her like Colby was her daddy. Russell volunteers to help Dani find the idol, unbeknownst to her that Russell is "the king of hidden immunity idols." He finds it within minutes of reading the clue and stashes it in his pocket. He later shares the news with Candice who agrees to hop on the Villains' train. Meanwhile, Sandra tells Colby she's ready to jump ship and join the Heroes, but only if they agree to vote out Russell. Colby is convinced Danielle has the idol, so getting rid of Russ shouldn't be a problem. They just have to keep him from winning immunity.

It's the build-a-10-foot-tall-house-of-cards-for-immunity challenge. Russell is off to a great start after building a base that could withstand a suicide bomber. Jerri is his only competition, putting together an flimsy, but steady tower. They're neck and neck at nine and a half feet until Russ can't get his last two tiles to hold. Jerri wins her very first immunity challenge by mere seconds.

Back at camp, the castaways start throwing names around. Russell wants Amanda gone. The Heroes want to show Russell or Parvati the door. The Heroes have a solid plan to write Russell's name down until Candice runs back and tells him their entire plan and pushes Sandra in front of the proverbial bus. Russ tries to threaten Sandra about jumping ship, and Colby says if their plan doesn't work then they'll know Candice spilled the beans.

At Tribal Council, Sandra tells Probst that she knows she's on the outside of the Villains and that she's frustrated with her alliance. Russell starts listing everybody's role within the alliance and leaves Sandra's name out. When Probst calls him out on it, he admits "she's just there." The Heroes set there plan in motion by announcing they think Danielle has the idol knowing full well she doesn't. Pause it: The last three Councils have had my heart beating out of my chest. I felt like I needed an IV drip as the votes were being read.

Right before Probst reads the votes, Russell plays his idol but it's all for naught. Amanda is voted out, ending her run as the person who's spent the most days playing the game of "Survivor" and opening the door for Parvati to break her record. It's the first time she's ever had her torch snuffed. As Amanda is making her exit, Danielle and Parv start ragging Russell telling him he wasted an idol and was nervous for nothing.

Sandra is like Cirie, but much more outspoken. She's playing the best mental game out of everyone, thinking 2 steps ahead of the others. Her downfall? She doesn't have Parvati charm. I predict she'll be sitting between Parv and Russell in the end. They have to bring Russ along cause everyone hates him. He thinks he's playing a great strategic game, but he's met his match in Parvati and Sandra.

Based on the previews it looks like the King and Queen might be headed to divorce court since Russell's leadership skills don't mesh with Parv's need to cut people off at the knees. And let me just say that Courtney is the funniest castaway ever to sit on the jury.

I'm embarrassed for you

It seems as if my this has turned into a "Survivor" blog with a little filler here and there. I still love TV, it's just that nothing gets me more excited than this show. I really thought "Glee" was going to get my mojo pumping, but I find myself disappointed with the new direction it's going. But more about that later. Let's get down to the business of ...

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): Lord, Lord, Lord. This was one for the history books. I do believe that this will go down as the Tribal Council in all of "Survivor". There was drama, humor, intrigue and heartbreak. But mostly, one player emerged as one of the smartest players of all time.

Now that the Villains have gotten rid of stick figure Courtney, the numbers are even between both tribes. The Heroes find a locked chest with a note attached saying company will be arriving soon, while the Villains have the key to open it. They are super excited - especially one-woman alliance Sandra - about the merge and pack up their camp to move to the Heroes' beach. Russell thinks he's the only one in the game with a hidden immunity idol and has no idea that Parvati has one of her own. She says the idols put her and Russell in the King and Queen position, but the Queen doesn't have to tell the King about her plans of a coup. Poor J.T. still thinks that after the Villains' Tribal Council, Parvati is gone and there are no more idols left in the game.

Upon arrival at their new camp, the castaways are told to drop their buffs and come up with a new tribe name. They eventually come up with "Yin Yang", throwing out "Hillains" and Jerri's suggestion of "All Villains". Pause it: I was thinking something more along the lines of "Puppets". It's obvious that the Heroes aren't happy to see Parv is still in the game. She whines to Danielle about feeling the cold shoulder. "I'm offended by how these Heroes are treating me. They don’t know it yet, but they’re about to be picked off one by one," Parvati threatens.

Meanwhile, Russell is spinning an intricate tall to Rupert and J.T. about why Parv is still in the game. He assures them that he's on their side, telling them "Just let this happen." Pause it: If only J.T. had a crystal ball ... and a brain. J.T. thinks Russ is a good ol' country boy. He has no inkling that Russ has turned him into a big doofus on national television. "Hook, line and sinker," Russ says, obviously pleased with himself. "This is going to be way easier than I thought."

Sandra later tries to warn Rupert that Russell and Parvati are trying to pull the buff over their eyes. "Russell’s the kingpin and Parvati’s the second in command," she says. It finally dawns on Rupert that the Heroes might be getting played in the worst possible way. “This is where the game gets crazy,” he marvels. But when Rupert goes to share Sandra's warning with the rest of the Heroes, they accuse him of being paranoid ... and sweating too much.

At the immunity challenge, it's every castaway for themselves in the first individual challenge: the pole hold - a last-man-standing endurance game. The contestants perch themselves on a pole with nothing but some tiny grooves to fit their feet into. J.T., Candice and Parvati have all played the game before with Candice lasting the longest. Both Colby and Sandra are the first ones to drop, followed by Rupert, Amanda and J.T. Parvati finds a new strategy by standing on the outside of her foot. She's in a zone and Candice realizes she's not going to outlast her. It's down to Parv and Danielle. Dani wants Parv to step off since she already has an idol. She does, and Danielle win the first individual immunity. Pause it: Did anyone notice how Dani's implant was looking a little melted. Gross!

It's scramble time back at the beach. Rupert wonders why Parvati stepped down if she thought she was going home. The Heroes devise a plan to flush out any possible idols by telling Russell that the Heroes are voting for Parvati, when in reality, they will be voting for either Sandra or Jerri to test Russell’s loyalty. Russell wants J.T. gone. He gives his idol to Parvati in hopes of saving her at Tribal Council. With both idols in her possession, Parvati is now the most powerful player in the game.

At Council, Yin Yang starts fighting about unripened bananas, reopening the debate about "banana etiquette". Rupert accuses the Villains - mainly Parvati and Danielle - of eating more than their share. Russell reminds them they are there to cut some fat and wants to get on with it. He says the vote will dictate the outcome of the game. Pause it: The jury (Coach and Courtney) read right through Russell's act. Too bad they couldn't do that when they were playing the game.

The Heroes cast their votes for Jerri, while the Villains all vote for J.T. Before the votes are read, Probst gives the usual spill about playing the hidden immunity idol and in a stunning twist, Parvati gives away BOTH idols to Sandra and Jerri. All votes cast for Jerri are void, leaving J.T. to go down in flames. Pause it: I was so embarrassed for him. *Forcing J.T. into an uncomfortable hug.* Russell is shell-shocked, whispering to Parvati, "You have some explaining to do."

J.T. took it like a man, but I would've loved to be sitting next to him at the Watch Party. I'm not a fan of Parvati, but she earned my respect tonight. And if she able to take Russell out of the game, I will cheer her on to the final three. At this point, I'm sure the Villains are going to want to keep Russell around cause it guarantees them five Hero votes from the jury. Parvati is going to be hard to beat, but if Sandra keeps playing her cards right, she'll be sitting next to her in the finals.

In case anyone was wondering, both Michael and Jackie are out of our "Survivor" pool. I still have Danielle on my team while Janet is going strong with Russell and Sandra. Here's the scorecard: (Members of the jury are the green failures)

CHANNEL SURFING

• Seattle's own Seth Aaron Henderson was crowned the winner of Season 7 of "Project Runway" (Lifetime, 10:00). Of course I know S.A. is really from Vancouver, Washington but only people who live there know you're not talking about Canada. Anyway, the judges thought S.A. knew how to "put on a show" and called his line "whimsical". It was a hard pill to swallow for Emilio Sosa, who won multiple challenges throughout the season. The judges loved his clothes but called a collection and not a complete fashion line. I hated Mila's collection, but then again, I've hated her aesthetic all season. All of the designers' clothes looked like something you'd find in Nordstrom. In past seasons, the finale runway show is full of drama and flowing gowns. I missed that. I mean, is it really runway couture if I'm not sitting on my couch wishing I had $10,000 for a pair of fitted slacks?
• Some passing thoughts about "Glee" (FOX, Tues., 9:00): I'm fairly sure I'm in the minority on this one, but that Madonna-themed episode? HATED IT. The cast performed seven songs. SEVEN! They barely had any dialogue. What I liked about the first half of the season was the backstories on all these complex characters. Now we get song after song and a revolving door of guest stars. A word to the writers: I know the show is an unstoppable pop-culture phenomenon, but stop trying to please the masses and get back to the basics.
  
• In parting, here's a funny line I heard on "The Office" (NBC, 9:00): "If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom." - Andy, telling us the importance of celebrating Secretary's Day.
  

Watch this, tape that - Thursday

Tonight makes up for this dull week of TV. Here's what's on:
8:00
Watch this: "Survivor" (CBS). It's the merge! Will the new tribe be able to see through Russell's game or will he continue to rule the roost?
Tape that: "Bones" (FOX). Human remains found inside a shark may be those of an aquarium's guest lecturer.
Also on: "Flash Forward" (ABC).

9:00
Watch this: "CSI:" (CBS). A student is murdered at the school where Catherine's daughter attends.
Tape that: "The Office" (NBC). It's Secretary's Day!
Also on: "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC). It's a repeat.

10:00
Watch this: "Project Runway" (Lifetime). Part 2 of the two-part season finale. The winner is announced. Emilio, see you in the winner's circle!

Watch this, tape that - Wednesday

Wednesdays are turning into a boring night, now that my beloved "Ugly Betty" is no more. Take a look-see.

8:00
Watch this: "America's Next Top Model" (CW). Whitney Port serves as guest judge as the models take to the runway and pose with big hair for a photo shoot.
Tape that: "American Idol" (FOX): It's the "Idols Give Back" episode, which features performances by Alicia Keys, Carrie Underwood and the Black Eyed Peas to raise money for global charities. One contestant is supposed to be eliminated, but I doubt they will during this "feel good" show.

9:00
Also on: Everything is a repeat. Everything. Best bet: "Modern Family" (ABC).

10:00
Watch this: "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC). Benson goes undercover in the meatpacking industry.
Tape that: "South Park" (Comedy Central). The show continues its celebration of the 200th episode with this one titled "201" - a repeat spoof of trying to find out the identity of Cartman's father.
Catch it on second run: "Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat 2" (MTV).

Watch this, tape that - Tuesday

I was a little disappointed in last week's "Glee," but still excited about it's return. Here's what's on:

8:00
Watch this: "The Biggest Loser" (NBC). 2 hours. It's a weight-loss show, yet they continually temp the players to eat. Tonight, the person who consumes the most calories at a buffet gets the sole vote at elimination.
Also on: "American Idol" (FOX). "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC). Results show.

9:00
Watch this: "Glee" (FOX). It's the episode FOX has been wanting us to wait for: The Madonna catalog. Mr. Schue uses Madonna's music to give the girls an ego boost and teach the boys a lesson in respect.
Tape that: "Lost" (ABC). We're down to the final few and this season has been so mind-numbing that I can barely follow. Jack is the focus tonight.

10:00
Watch this: "Parenthood" (NBC). Amber's ex-boyfriend's arrival throws the family into a tailspin.
Tape that: "16 & Pregnant" (MTV). Season finale. A pregnant teen deals with a deadbeat boyfriend, a deadbeat dad and a crappy mom. Stick around for the aftershow at 11:00.
See it online: "V" (ABC). Chad and Anna visit Switzerland, with Anna carrying a technological gift.
Also on: "The Good Wife" (CBS) is a repeat.

Watch this, tape that - Weekend

There really isn't anything worth watching live this weekend. Tape everything and go see a movie or something.

FRIDAY
Both "Ghost Whisperer" and "Medium" (CBS) are repeats.

10:00
Watch this: "Miami Medical" (CBS). A wedding-party tent collapses, sending a flood of guests to the ER.

SUNDAY
8:00
Watch this: "Life" (Discovery). 3 hour block. Narrated by Oprah, the show examines different forms of life.
Also on: "Academy of Country Music Awards" (CBS). Reba McEntire hosts.

9:00
Tape that: "Desperate Housewives" (ABC). Lynette discovers something about Irina.

10:00
Watch this: "Army Wives" (Lifetime). I totally dropped the ball on this one last week. My apologies. Roland worries about not being able to be with Joan as she recovers, and Trevor considers taking a second job.
Tape that: "Brothers & Sisters" (ABC). The Walker men confront York over the Ojai predicament.

Cirie wouldn't have let that happen

Wednesday night I was stricken with a headache from hell. It totally took me off my game. I left work early and slept from 7 p.m. until 12:30 Thursday afternoon. Yes, it hurt that bad. I woke up intermittently, catching snippets of "Criminal Minds" and "Ugly Betty," but the migraine got the best of me. Let's talk about ...

"Survivor" (CBS, 8:00): There have been many bonehead moves in the history of "Survivor": James getting voted out while holding 2 immunity idols; Ozzy getting voted out while holding an immunity idol (you see the pattern?). Well, J.T. topped them all when he gave the Heroes' hidden immunity idol to the man who least needed one. It was like he had a spare million dollars in his pocket decided to give it to Warren Buffett. And his tribemates just sat there and let it happen. Is that the bigger bonehead move ... that no one objected? I'm still shaking my head.

The Villains return from Tribal Council, and Jerri is worried that her alliance will turn on her after they sent Coach home without telling her. She asks Danielle if she's next on the chopping block, but both Dani and Russell reassure her that Courtney or Sandra will be the next to go.

The treemail instructs the tribes to rank their team members from strongest to weakest. This will determine who they go head-to-head with at the reward challenge, a game that was first played on "Survivor: Tocanins" and J.T. went on win. Pause it: It's the game that makes my feet cramp up just thinking about it, but what I remember most is how Coach got all drama queen at the end, collapsing like a Haitian house in an earthquake. The Villains decide to put all their women in the game because they're lighter and have smaller feet. The Heroes, on the other hand, have Rupert and his ego to contend with. He claims he's stronger than everyone in the game. Pause it: Um, yeah. I see how that's true, Rupert. That broken toe won't be a problem in a challenge where you're standing on a one-inch wide peg. The castaways must outlast their opponent and the first team to three points wins a feast courtesy of Outback Steakhouse. As the challenge gets underway, Jeff Probst announces that Amanda has spent 100 days playing "Survivor". The Villains' strategy pays off and they win reward.

At the feast, Parvati finds a clue to a hidden immunity idol in her napkin. She quickly stuffs it in her underwear (eww!) and later shows it to Danielle. Parv says she wants Danielle to feel tighter with her than she does with anyone else. “We’ll fill Russell in on a need-to-know basis, and right now Russell doesn’t need to know," Parv says. Jerri thinks it's "awesome" that the Heroes think they have an all-girl alliance going. "They have no idea what's going on over here."

Meanwhile, J.T. is at the Hero's beach filling in his tribe on his "brilliant" plan. Amanda thinks it's stupid because they don't know what's going on over there. (See Jerri's comment). He could be in with the girls for all we know,” Amanda reasons. Rewind: If Cirie were still in this game, she wouldn't have even allowed J.T. to get out the first sentence. AND, if Cirie were still in this game, Amanda wouldn't be whimpering in the jungle to Candice because Cirie would be telling her what to do. J.T. writes Russell a letter with instructions on how to use the idol (HA!) and who to vote off. He writes that the Villains should vote off Parvati then Russell can join in with the Heroes' alliance after the merge. "This is "Survivor" history," Colby concludes. Yes, dude, it is. And your whole tribe will be able to write their names on the Wall of Shame.

Parvati and Danielle get up early to go searching for the idol. After they find it, Parv says it gives her control of the game. She says Russell is "not the king of 'Survivor' ... I'm the queen."

The immunity challenge is another ropes obstacle course with a totem pole puzzle at the end. The Heroes get off to an early lead and Colby and Russell are running the last leg for their teams. This gives Colby the opportunity to tell Russell to get the idol from J.T. after the challenge is over. Pause it: No sooner than Colby makes that deal, the rain begins to fall. That's an omen if I ever saw one. The Heroes win immunity, setting the stage for J.T.'s stupidity to boomerang like bad karma. "I don't even have to find idols ... people are giving them to me. You don’t hand the enemy the idol, especially when his name is Russell Hantz,” Russell says.

The Heroes think they have done the impossible, but all they've done is give the Villains something to entertain themselves with. I hate Parvati, but even I got a kick out of her rendition of J.T.'s letter. It sounded like something you'd write in high school. "J.T. gave Russell his heart today, and Russell is just going to stab it a million times," Parv snickers. "I can't believe that kid won!"

Meanwhile, Courtney and Sandra have resigned themselves to their fate - one of them will be going home. Parvati wants to keep Courtney around because she thinks Court would be more loyal and she can keep her in check better than she can with Sandra. She sure Sandra will be the first one to flip after the merge.

At Tribal Council, Russell's alliance say they can't trust Sandra. Danielle makes the argument that Sandra can manipulate people, but all Dani does is make herself look like a complete idiot. She says Sandra was being controlled by B-Rob to which Sandra counters with Parvati is the boss of Dani. Then Parv pours alcohol on the wound by confirming yes, she is the boss of Danielle. Pause it: Are you kidding me, Danielle? You basically handed Parvati the lube and told her to take it.

Courtney lashes out at Jerri for joining forces with Russell just in time to save herself. "I didn't flip quick enough, I guess," Courtney snipes. "That's why me and Sandra are in trouble." It's too little, too late and Courtney becomes the second member of the jury.

Next week, the tribes merge and it looks like Parvati's instincts about Sandra will prove to be true. She'll be the first one to flip.

Where do you rank J.T.'s move among the dumbest moves in "Survivor" history? I'll give him a little leeway since they don't know Russell's history with hidden immunity idols, but it's still a dumb move to help your opponent by giving away something that could potentially get you to the Final 3.

Watch this, tape that - Thursday

It's a light night. Take your pick.

8:00
Watch this: "Survivor" (CBS). Russell is playing this game like no castaway ever has. Will the Heroes make the biggest mistake in the show's history by giving Russell their immunity idol?
Tape that: "Bones" (FOX). A murder at Brennan's school may have something in common with another killing committed 15 years ago.
Also on: "Flash Forward" (ABC). "The Office" (NBC) one hour block is a repeat.

9:00
Watch this: "CSI:" (CBS). Hodges and Wendy lead a group of wannabe CSI high schoolers on a field trip to investigate a fire and discover a dead body.
Also on: "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC). It's a repeat.

10:00
Watch this: "Project Runway" (Lifetime). Part 1 of the two-part season finale.
Also on: "America's Best Dance Crew: Champions for Charity" (MTV). Winners from the first 5 seasons perform for charity.

Watch this, tape that - Wednesday

Not much on tonight, but we say goodbye to one of my favorites.

8:00
Watch this: "America's Next Top Model" (CW). The models pose for a photo shoot on the subway.

9:00
Watch this: "Modern Family" (ABC). Jay and Phil vie for a coaching position.
Tape that: "Criminal Minds" (CBS). The team travels to Texas to find a serial killer who targets illegal immigrants trying to cross the border.
Also on: "American Idol" (FOX). Results show.

10:00
Watch this: "Ugly Betty" (ABC). Series finale. I'm tearing up already at the thought of saying goodbye to the hijinks of Marc and Amanda. Betty is anxious about sharing her future plans with Daniel, and Justin and Bobby try to convince Hilda they should move to Manhattan.
Tape that: "South Park" (Comedy Central). The show celebrates it's 200th episode by having every celebrity ever insulted on the show seeking revenge through a class-action lawsuit.
See it online: "CSI: NY" (CBS). Hawkes is trapped in a prison during a riot whe he visits a Pennsylvania penitentiary.
Catch it on second run: "Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat 2" (MTV).
Also on: "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC) is a repeat.

Say hello

Of course with the return of "Glee" I wanted to spend time really talking about the first fresh episode of the year, but with my new Wednesday work schedule, I'm racing the sun to get in bed. Here's a quick recap:

"Glee" (FOX, 9:28): The show sort of dropped the ball on the timeline aspect. Rachel and Finn are a couple now? And it's so serious, she made him a relationship calendar. Pause it: Rachel is totally one of my favorite characters, but that calendar idea was super scary. Seems like Finn didn't get the memo that they are dating and starts to question if he still has feelings for Quinn.

Mr. Schue warns the glee club about getting too complacent since winning sectionals. He challenges the group to reinvent themselves, starting with each one of them performing a song with "hello" in the title. Meanwhile, Coach Sue has blackmailed the school principal to get her job back as leader of the Cheerios and is still intent on taking down the glee club. Her first goal is to make Rachel so distraught over losing Finn that she quits the club. She enlists glee club Cheerios Brittany and Santana to seduce Finn away from Rachel.

Finn does end up dumping Rachel, but she doesn't take it lying down. She calls him out on his insecurities and ends up meeting (and falling for) Jessie St. James, the lead vocalist for a competing choir. The Finn, Kurt, Mercedes and Artie all try to warn Rachel that Jessie is probably playing her. They even threaten to kick her out of the club if she doesn't stop seeing him. She confronts Jessie about his motives, but they agree to continue seeing each other in secret.

I'm so happy "Glee" is back and there were numerous laugh-out-loud moments, but it's like FOX treated this as a throw-away episode in preparation for the big Madonna-themed show next week. I know getting access to her catalog is a big deal, but the promos are overkill. Now that "Glee" has become a phenomenon, I hope it doesn't lose it's edge.

Funny lines:

• Finn: "Sometimes I wish I could be more like Coach Tanaka. He pulled a Jessica Simpson - you know, lost his fiancé, gained 40 pounds, stopped showering, and everyone acts like that is totally normal."
• Coach Sue after chopping of a male student's long hair: "I'm going to donate this to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers.
• Mr. Schue trying to inspire the group: "What do you guys say when you answer the phone?" Mercedes: "What up?" Artie: "Who this be?" Kurt: "No, she's dead. This is her son."
• Santana dissing Rachel's outfit to Brittany: "She looked like Pippy Longstocking, except Israeli."
  

Featured songs:
"Hello, I Love You" - The Doors
"Gives You Hell" - All American Rejects
"Hello" - Lionel Ritchie
"Highway to Hell" - AC/DC
"Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love" - A Chorus Line
"Hello, Goodbye" - The Beatles

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Lost" (ABC, 9:00): Things we learned tonight: Michael is stuck on the island because he killed Libby and the whispering voices from the jungle are other spirits who can't move on. And that's about as much as my brain could follow.
• Suze Orman was on "The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00) to guide the contestants to "financial health". She even predicted that Sunshine would win the season based on her FICO score. I'm sure that debt was supposed to be a metaphor for debt, but it felt more like a glorified promo for CNBC. Anyway, it was a night of big prizes as Michael wins $1,000 in a balancing competition, and Andrea and O'Neal both win cars. O'Neal promptly hands his key over to daughter Sunshine.At the weigh-in, Andrea and Sam (who didn't lose any weight at all) fall below the yellow line, but he manages to keep his spot on the ranch. Andrea is sent home in her new car. These people claim they aren't playing the game, but keeping around the guy who has lost all the weight he's going to lose is obviously game play.
  

After these messages: Has anyone out there tried "Hip Hop Abs?" My stomach does not look like that after I dance. It's more like a sweaty, dented keg. Shruggsies.

Watch this, tape that - Tuesday

Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm practically hyperventilating at the return of "Glee"! Everything else tonight is just filler. Oh, and a Happy Birthday to my sister, Wonda! Here's what's on:

8:00
Watch this: "The Biggest Loser" (NBC). 2 hours. Don't get to comfortable watching. FOX has moved "Glee" to Tuesdays, so get ready to miss the end. Suze Orman assesses the players' financial health and predicts the winner for this season.
Tape that: "American Idol" (FOX). 88 minutes. The remaining eight finalists perform.
Also on: "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC). Results show.

9:00
Tape this: "Lost" (ABC). You have to tape it to make way for the goodness that is "Glee". We get the backstory on Ilana. Who is that you may ask? I don't know either.

9:28
Watch this: "Glee" (FOX). Just typing the name of this show makes me want to whip out my jazz hands. Tonight, Rachel becomes involved with a competitor.

10:00
Watch this: "Parenthood" (NBC). If you're not watching "Glee," tune in. Sarah considers coming clean with Amber about her English teacher.
Tape that: "V" (ABC). Tyler confronts his mother.
Catch it on second run: "16 & Pregnant" (MTV). Repeats immediately after first airing.
Also on: "Millionaire Matchmaker" (Bravo). "The Good Wife" (CBS) is a repeat.

Watch this, tape that - Monday

In my lack of caring, I totally dropped the ball on alerting you to a number of good shows last week. I'll do better this time. I promise. *Crossing heart with index finger* Here's what's on:

8:00
Watch this: "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC). 90 minutes. Kate Gosselin is still hanging in there. I try to look away, but I can't. I never watch the show, just the clips of her afterward. Consider yourselves warned.

9:00
Watch this: "Trauma" (NBC). Nancy and her dad butt heads over his new job as head of the trauma center.
Tape that: "Gossip Girl" (CW). Chuck hosts a wedding for Dorota.
See it online: "24" (FOX). Former president Logan is back? I thought he was dead. I still haven't seen last week's show so I'm at a loss on this one.

10:00
Watch this: "CSI: Miami" (CBS). It's spring break in Miami and the CSIs are called to investigate three murders.
Tape that: "Damages" (FX). Ellen is adopted? No wait, she was given away, but taken back? This plot is almost as confusing as who killed Tom Shayes.
Also on: "True Life: I Have NF" (MTV). The show chronicles young people struggling with neurofibromatosis. I don't know what it is either, but I'll be watching to find out.

Stupid wins because stupid does

I just finished watching the second episode of "Miami Medical" (CBS, Fri., 10:00) and you can totally tell it's produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the same man who cranks out the "CSI" franchise. It's a good show, but nothing to change your viewing schedule for. In true Bruckheimer form, it's high on shocking plot twists with not much focus on the acting. *Staring at "CSI: Miami's" David Caruso* Here's what happened Sunday night:

"The Amazing Race" (CBS, 8:00): How impressive was last week's "worst-to-first" performance by Team 8 Seconds? I thought the Cowboys were done when they had to endure the Speed Bump penalty for coming in last on a non-elimination leg, but they proved why they are still in the race. Now we're down to the last five teams and I desperately want to see them in the Top 3.

8 Seconds is the first team to leave and are instructed to travel 400 miles to Singapore via a bus and train. When the teams open their clues, they learn they will encounter a U-turn somewhere in the leg. Team Fred and Velma (Brent and Caite), along with the Infective Detectives (Louie and Michael) immediately jump at the chance to use the power on the Sexy Lezzies. Neither team likes Carol or Brandy, left, and they try to get Don't Ask, Won't Tell (Dan and Jordan) to take a swig of their Haterade. Caite announces that she would "100% U-turn Carol and Brandy" because the couple acted mean towards her, adding she wouldn't "mind being the only girl left." Pause it: Raise your hand if you think Caite doesn't know how to calculate 100%.

All teams end up on the same sleeper train to Singapore. When they arrive at the station, the Lezzies try to push their way past the other teams, to no avail. Michael says, “They want to push their way through, try and bully their way through. Wrong crew to bully. Adds Brent, "Ladies get their way. Bitches don't." Once off the train, the teams race to find Allan Wu, hosts of "The Amazing Race Asia," for their next clue. When they get their clues, they discover there's a Fast Forward. The winner of the Fast Forward gets to skip all tasks and go straight to the Pit Stop. Don't Ask, Won't Tell head for it, while the other teams head for the Detour: pound the drums or pound the pavement.

When Dan and Jordan arrive at the Fast Forward, they learn they have to scale the world's tallest observation wheel. Jordan tells Dan, "So maybe now’s a good time to tell you that I’ve just discovered I have an intense fear of heights.” They manage to make it through the challenge and are the first to arrive at the Pit Stop. They win a pair of motorbikes to which they respond, "There is not chance we would ever step on that thing. Our mother would kill us."

Back at the Detour, all teams opt for pounding the drums until most of them realize they have no rhythm. Fred and Velma master the beat and head off to find their next clue while the Detectives, the Lezzies and 8 Seconds all struggle. The Dectectives try to go for the Fast Forward only to get there and see that Dan and Jordan are already doing it. They rush back to pound the pavement - selling ice cream to the locals - while the cowboys and the lesbians are getting beat by the beat. Meanwhile, the Infective Detectives conquer the ice cream challenge and head to the Road Block.

Back at the drum challenge, both the lezzies and the cowboys are about to give up but both teams finally master the performance. Carol and Brandy excitedly hurry to the next clue only to find they've been U-turned by Fred and Velma. "She's an idiot and she's on YouTube to prove it," Carol angrily exclaims. Pause it: Damn, this couple is in serious need of anger management, for real!

After completing a Road Block of counting the links of an enormous anchor chain, it's a race to the finish between the cowboys, the lesbians and the detectives. 8 Seconds manages to come in third behind Fred and Velma. "The closest thing we play to a musical instrument is the radio," Jet tells Phil about their struggles with the drum.

The Lezzies and the Detectives are in a footrace to the Pit Stop and for a split second I saw myself dissolving into a heap of anger at the thought of the Sexy Lezzies being saved by a non-elimination. But alas, my prayers are answered and the Lezzie are taken down by "Brent and Caite Gump". Carol sums up the leg perfectly: "Dumb did us in." That may be true, Lezzies, but dumb is still in the race and you guys are left with nothing but each other. Good luck with that, ladies. You Negative Nellies deserve each other.

The show takes a break next week for the Country Music Awards, so don't fret when you can't find it.

CHANNEL SURFING
Former girl-group singer Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas (from TLC) is looking for love, and I caught a snippet of her new show, "What Chilli Wants" (VH1, 10;00). All I can say is her dating requirements list is almost as long as mine. As she was saying them out loud (must love God, must not eat pork, must have washboard abs, don't drink or smoke, eh em ... well endowed), I felt a lot better about my little "must have all his teeth" requirement. Chilli's friend Missy Elliott even pointed out she'd have to date Jesus find anyone who'd measure up. "I'm gonna send a Disciple your way," she jokes. One requirement that really disturbed me was the "no more than two baby mommas" rule. Really? Just two, huh? Way to keep it classy, Chilli. Is that the standard I have to work with now? Whatever happened to tall, dark and handsome? Now I have to put a numerical limit on baby mommas? I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.