How do I love "Glee" ...

Let's get to the gettin'. It's Wednesday and my heart is doing that thing it does when you see a really hot guy. Or get pulled over by a cop.

"America's Next Top Model" (CW, 8:00): Performing artist Lil Mama (who?) and the Jabbawockeez (why?) are brought in to teach the girls how to emote through dance. This is "Top Model", not "America's Best Dance Crew". The girls are whisked off to Las Vegas to take part in a Cirque du Soliel Mystere photo shoot where they are put in groups and forced to outshine one another.

This is the show that taught me how to give a fierce newsroom model walk and how to work my angles in a Facebook profile picture. So I was quite disappointed when Tyra tried to teach me a new word. Smize? Really, Tyra? This is modeling, not English class. Pause it: Please stick to modeling, dear heart, cause a wordsmith you are not. I hope this phrase does not catch on. I'm smizing (smiling with my eyes) as I take you out of the running for becoming America's Next Dictionary Entry. Ashley, the girl plucked from the audience of Tyra's talk show, was sent packing, while Kara and her drag queen features lived to see another photo shoot. Next week: go-sees!

"Glee" (FOX, 9:00): If you aren't watching this show you should be waterboarded. This is the best new program of the fall TV season, and if it doesn't win an award for best new show or best cast, I will be forced to break out my lip smack/finger wag/eye roll combo on those Emmy voters' asses. Jane Lynch is superb as the acid-tongued Coach Sylvester. The way she delivers her lines in that dry, sarcastic tone makes me wonder if she's not ad-libbing. And a new star emerged tonight in Jayma Mays. Her performance in the role of germaphobe teacher Emma Pillsbury was perfection. I freakin' LOVE this show!

As for the plot, Mr. Schue felt the club was becoming too complacent, so he devised a plan to get their competitive juices flowing. I was so excited when the previews said it was going to be boys vs. girls in a glee-off. The groups were to perform a mix mash-up of their choice. The winning number would be the song preformed at regionals. "We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God," said wheelchair-bound Artie. The boys performed a mash-up of Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" and Usher's "Confessions Pt. 2". Pause it: Look for that to go straight to number one on iTunes. The girls killed it with their rendition of Beyonce's "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina & the Waves. Who would've thunk it?

Mr. Schue's wife, Teri, got a job as the school nurse after Coach Sylvester warned her of the chemistry between Emma and her husband. You could feel the tension between the couple, and I'm praying he finds out about her fake pregnancy before Emma fake marries Ken.

There were so many funny lines tonight it was hard to narrow it down to just a few. Here are the ones I had to rewind and hear again:

• Coach Sylvester on how to motivate kids: "We're dealing with children; they need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly."
• Teri, trying to convince Emma to marry Ken: "Oh sure, he's dumb like sand and his fondue pot of nationalities is going to open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases, but he's kind, and he's generous. And he's available."
• Emma to Ken about his marriage proposal: "So what would getting married mean exactly? Because I would like to keep my last name. And I'd want to continue living in different parts of town. And, um, I think it would be best if we didn't see each other after school."
• Rachel, in a breathless speech introducing their performance: "If there's two things America needs right now that is sunshine and optimism. ... Also angels.

Well said, Rachel. But I think America needs a little more "Glee".

"Top Chef: Las Vegas" (Bravo, 10:00): After taking the week off, "Top Chef" returns with an abundance of home-grown flavor. Our two Seattle chefs, Robin and Ashley, are still in the mix, and local celebrity chef Tom Douglas spiced things up as a guest judge.

For the high-stakes quickfire challenge teams were tasked with creating a dish from three words picked randomly on a slot machine. The winner could choose between immunity or $15,000. Robin missed the concept of Middle Eastern food, continuing to prove that finding her restaurant is not worth my time. Kevin managed to eek out a win even though he's never cooked Asian cuisine and opted for the $15,000. Pause it: Good choice, Kevin. I would've taken the money, too. Now can you let me hold $14,999? My cable bill is past due.

In the elimination challenge, the chefs were paired up to cook a family-style dish for Macy's Culinary Council based on a bag of groceries brought in by famous chefs. Ashley serves up some salty gnocchi and Jennifer bags a $10,000 gift card from Macy's on her first win despite being sick. Maybe if Jenn had handed off some of those germs to Ashley she wouldn't have had to pack her knives and go. Better luck next time, Ash. I won't be dining in your establishment either.

Channel surfing:

• "Real World/Road Rule Challenge" (MTV, 10:00). Shauvon thinks she popped one of her breast implants during the competition. Turns out it was just a bruised muscle and she was sent home. The teams decide to stage a coup and pit BFFs KellyAnne and Evelyn against each other in the Ruins, hoping Wes will isolate himself even more once girlfriend KellyAnne is taken out of the game. Ev quits so KellyAnne can stay. Blah, blah, blah about morals and stuff. You quit! Get off the stage.
• "South Park" (Comedy Central, 10:00): The genius that is Matt Parker and Trey Stone bring back the kids of South Park just in time to make fun of the summer death glut, ripping on recently deceased celebs from Michael Jackson to Billy Mays. Too soon?
• "The Mo'Nique Show" (BET, 11:00). Wow. She talks really, really loud. You're conducting an interview, not cheering on the Lakers.
• "Behind the Music - Lil' Wayne" (VH1): You're an interesting dude, Mr. Carter. And you have diamonds for teeth. Try to watch this if you get the chance. VH1 only has 4 shows in rotation so catching it won't be hard.

Playing catch up: Finally got a chance to watch "Three Rivers" (CBS, Sun., 9:00). The plot seemed interesting enough but the acting was terrible! Some actors just aren't meant to play doctors. I'll give a C+, which means I'll watch it online when I have nothing else to do.