Life, liberty and the pursuit of instant fame

It was a crazy day and an even crazier night, so I had a hard time cramming it all in. But the Watch Party goes on with or without me so I figured I'd better suck it up. Here's what I saw between naps:

"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): For the last few seasons, I have barely watched "Idol" past the audition rounds. I have soured on this show now that people have shucked the actual talent factor and show up for auditions with the I-want-to-be-on-TV-so-I'm-going-to-be-obnoxious routine. It's not like that doesn't happen on all reality-competition shows (remember "Sex" from "So You Think You Can Dance"?), but there is something about "American Idol" that brings out some of the most delusional people I have ever seen. There's also this sense of self-entitlement where everyone feels like they deserve to be famous. Pause it: How about finding a cure for ingrown toenails or figuring out what those numbers mean on "Lost"? That is something that will make you famous.

Season 9 auditions kick off in Boston where a crowd of 9,000 waited in the pouring rain for a chance to shine in front of Randy, nu-Paula and Simon. Pause it: FOX can deny, deny, deny but I'm most certain that bringing in Kara DioGuardi as a so-called "fourth judge" was the nail in Paula's coffin. Victoria Beckham of Spice Girl fame was brought in to fill the final chair. Pretty much everyone who makes it in front of the panel is seeking some sort of validation from Simon, the most biting judge in the history of reality TV. Pause it: Forget New York! If you can make it in front of Simon, you can make it anywhere. The fact that people show up begging for his approval should prove that "Idol" numbers will likely tumble after his exit.

Only 31 people made it through to Hollywood, so the talent was slim for the picking. There were a few standouts like 16-year old Katie Stevens (the girl with the ailing granny) and Ashley Rodriguez, who wowed the judges with an Alicia Keys song. But Boston wasn't without its weirdos either. Janet McNamera honed her skills by playing the "American Idol" video game. Sorry, honey! A mock "Idol" stage does not a star make. And I can't leave off Mere Doyle, the girl who harbors an obsession for anime and wanted to audition for "American Idol" to become famous in ... Japan?

I'll tell you, I've had coworkers say to me I have a nice voice, but you won't catch me trying to sing in front of an audience. I know what I sound like and they are just being polite. The people who try out for this show should realize that mommy and daddy don't make the most impartial judges.

Note to self: Get one of those "Idol" video games. I wouldn't mind hearing a digital Simon Cowell tell me I'm bloody awful. His best quip of the night - "Is this window open?" - after hearing Janet sing. I also laughed when Randy told Britney-Spears-song-murdering Pat Ford to "stop singing forever." Auditions continue Wednesday in Hotlanta.

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I was so tired I could barely pay attention during "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00). Of course it would be the episode when Farrah finally decided to step up to the plate of motherhood and show some interest in caring for her daughter. "I can't believe I'm actually getting my work done with Sophia," she says. Well, Farrah, seeing as how this is the first time you've actually tried, we wouldn't have expected you to know that. And let's give it up for Amber, who in the midst of trying to get her G.E.D., fought putting her baby in daycare. Too bad she had to go against her wishes for the greater good of her family's future.

On the season finale of "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00), she helped a salon where all the stylists had one year of experience. FAIL! Those stylist weren't fit to cut a dog's hair, let alone a humans!

Did you watch "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00)? How funny is it that Alicia's ringtone for her mother-in-law is the theme song to "The Twilight Zone"?

After these messages: Why is Emmy-award winning actress Megan Mullally shoveling butter? Really? Butter? Those "Turn the Tub Around" commercials are not only annoying, they also make me want to "turn the volume down". In the words of Karen Walker: "What's this? What's going on here?"

Eat. Cry. Moan.

I did a whole lot of channel surfing during the 10:00 hour. Here are some observations:

I only watched the first hour of the "Kennedy Center Honors" (CBS, 9:00), but the parts I did see were really funny. It was cool watching Robert De Niro get props for his work, but even cooler to see the humble expression on his face as friends and colleagues talked about his contributions to cinema. Oh, and that band was really great. Can anybody tell me the name of that jazz song they played?

"Teen Mom" (MTV): I missed the first 15 minutes of the episode and when I tuned in, Catelynn's mom had announced they were moving to Richmond. I'm really annoyed with her mom because she seems like one of those women who always picks a loser boyfriend then goes along with everything he says. The fact that he's Tyler's (Catelynn's boyfriend) dad raises the ick factor. Catelynn is allowed to temporarily move in with Tyler and his mom and she lays down only one rule: no sleeping in the same room. Pause it: How about adding "no sex under my roof" as a rule? I'm just saying ... might as well make it plain. Catelynn says she just wants her mom to put the adoption behind her so they can move on, but how can mom do that when Cate and Ty have big ol' baby tattoos on their shoulder and stomach? Mom will move on when you do, guys.

I must have missed a big chunk of Farrah's story too because when she came on she was talking about going to culinary school. Where did that come from? I saw a glimmer of hope when she went to the doctor to get birth control pills, but her idiocy reigned supreme when she hid them from her parents by putting them in the refrigerator. After her dad finds it, he questions why she would be putting herself in situations where she would need birth control. "We got a beautiful gift from a mistake," he says. But Farrah isn't hearing it and she later leaves Sophia with her mom while she goes out to party. Pause it: It's quite obvious Farrah's parents can't get the top off their can of "Whoop-Ass". *Sliding mom a bottle opener*

Last week, I was really proud of Maci for dumping Ryan, but tonight she took a step backward by getting back together with him. She says she misses having him around whenever baby Bentley gets fussy, but I can't seem to recall a time when Ryan was around for the baby being fussy, calm, sleeping, eating, etc. Pause it: Does anyone else think that Ryan looks like a thinner version of Levi Johnston? I have a feeling that Maci will be regretting her decision in the near future.

Amber and Gary are still going at it. Amber is struggling to keep up in her G.E.D. classes while he somehow manages to find time to get out of the house for "a little break." When Amber comes in complaining about how filthy their house is, Gary replies, "All you do is go to school for six hours a week and watch the baby." Pause it: Everybody take cover from the s*%t that's about to hit the fan. Amber tells Gary that she doesn't want to be with him anymore and decides to move into a hotel room for the week. After she's packed up the car and is ready to drive off, that's when he has a change of heart. That sound you hear is Amber's tires squealing as she drives off, leaving him crying like the big-ass baby that he is. Amber is over Gary and I am too.

"Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo): Fab Tab breezed into the Windy City to tackle Chicago Male, a three-year-old, gay salon that only services men. The owner, Scott, is a businessman, but has never owned or operated a hair salon and can't understand why the place is only running at 25%. Pause it: That's because the other 75% of your could-be clients have vaginas. The unprofessional staff stood around all day eating, texting and talking sexually to clients.

Scott wanted to create something that was just for men in one of the largest gay communities in the country, but his 30-minute business model was dragging down the quality of service. I can't even wash my hair in 30 minutes, let alone give someone a proper haircut. After Tabatha announces there would be changes at the salon, she says, "The staff all stared at me like gay deer in headlights."

The stylists are all taken to Paul Mitchell to get a crash course in women's hair, but I'll tell you this: I will not be getting a haircut by someone who basically got the G.E.D. of women's hairstyling. Of course all of Tab's suggestions are implemented and Chicago Male opens it's doors to the female kind. They could always change the name to Chicago She-Male and only take drag queens. At least they could've stayed true to Scott's all-male clientele rule. It's all in the details.

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MTV's new show "The Buried Life" is just "The Bucket List" for young people ... I sat through bits and pieces of "Mo'Nique" because the former cast of "The Game" was on it. I love that show, and I'm still cursing CW for getting rid of one of the funniest, most entertaining, black sitcoms ever to air. At least BET was nice enough to pick it up.

I was rushing home tonight because I thought Barbara Walters would be revealing her Top 10. I guess I should've read my own notes.

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00): It's finale night and I find it highly ironic that a weight loss show packs on so many extras to stretch drag this thing to two hours. First, second and last of all, Allison Sweeney is horrible at live-hosting. HORRIBLE! I find it painful to watch her at these finale shows. And let me just add my disclaimer now: If it sounds like I'm hating on these contestants, you are probably right. But don't pretend you weren't thinking the same thing. I say it so you don't have to.

So after 154 days and over 1,000 lbs. lost on the ranch, America votes Amanda into the final spot. Big mistake, America. I wasn't rooting for Liz, but you've already given Amanda her second chance. She was working on thirds. It is really inspiring to see how much weight these people drop, but sometimes when you transform your body, you also transform your face and that's not always a good thing. Abby, the woman who lost her husband and kids in a car accident, was barely recognizable. So was Danny. He looks like an older version of T.R. Knight (formerly Dr. George O'Malley from "Grey's Anatomy". Wild-Eyed Tracey is now Wild-Smile Tracey and favors a diabolical Molly Shannon. SCARY! But it was Rebecca, who remade her makeover into a bad Sandy Duncan. The whole season she whined that she was more than just a pretty face. Well now you're a pretty face with a bad haircut and color. Good thing Rebecca won that at-home prize money. She can spend her first $100 on a new hairstyle.

Shay would've looked better in a dress or skirt. Those pants didn't really do her weight loss any justice. Subway has pledged to follow her for the rest of her weight loss journey, and for every pound she loses between now and May 2010, they will pay her $1,000. Pause it: If I had somebody willing to pay me to lose weight then yes, I would probably get off my tail and run to the gym. But I don't so I will continue to eat my birthday cake until it's all gone.

Danny pulls off the upset, beating out Rudy and Amanda for the $250,000 prize. Here are the final standings by percentage of weight loss:

1. Danny: 55.58%
2. Rudy: 52.94%
3. Rebecca: 49.82%
4. Tracey: 47.2%
5. Julio: 44.23%
6. Antoine: 41.42%
7. Abby: 40.49%
8. Shay: 36.13%
9. Allen: 35.69%
10. Daniel: 35.58%
11. Sean: 34.91%
12. Amanda: 34.8% (I'm not absolutely sure since they didn't say it out loud.)
13. Liz: 34.28%
14. Dina: 31.23%
15. Alexandra: 29.45%
16. Coach Mo: 25.92%

New season of "Biggest Loser: Couples" begins Jan. 5. I like this show, but I liked it a lot more when it was coming on once a year. Commercial break: NBC is saying their new show "Sing-Off" is a cross between "American Idol" and "Glee", two shows that air on FOX. Whoever wrote that promo for NBC should be fired. This is the same network that disinvited the "Glee" cast from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because they felt it was giving them too much exposure.

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• "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00): Fab Tab finally met her match in Nikki, the owner of Brownes & Co. in Miami, Florida. European Nikki doesn't like how Americans need to be coddled and told how wonderful they are so she inflicts fear and negative feedback on them at every chance she gets. Her staff is so terrified of her, one stylist was afraid to admit she was a mother out of fear Nikki would turn on her. After Tabatha renovates the shop, Nikki rattles off a laundry list of things she doesn't like about the new salon: the paint, the waiting area, the floors. "Nikki is so insufferable that it makes me want to punch her," Tabatha says. Nobody would've blamed you, Tab. I don't typically use ugly words to describe people but I'll just say I'm glad I won't be seeing Nikki next Tuesday. (You know what I'm saying).
• "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): I takes an awful lot of guts to come on TV and air your dirty laundry. (And I'm not talking about that fake stuff on "The Hills".) I'm talking about teen-aged girls who open themselves up to ridicule and judgement for getting pregnant in high school. MTV cranks out a lot of trash, but this is one show that parents should sit down and watch with their children. There's Amber, a girl who is so overwhelmed with anxiety that she's put on medication; Catelynn, who gave her daughter up for adoption but continues to have unprotected sex; young mom Maci who is supposedly engaged, but fails to set a wedding date; and then there's Farrah, Miss "I-Got-Pregnant-or-Whatever", wannabe model who seems to think life doesn't stop just because you're a teen mother. No Farrah, life doesn't stop, but yours should be coming up on a 'yield' sign at any minute now. Driving 2 hours to confront a boy about cheating on you (whom you've only been dating for 3 weeks) proves she has no clue about the importance of motherhood. Those are precious hours of her baby's life that she will never get back. This is one time I'll swallow that bitter pill and say, "Mother knows best." Put down the mirror, Farrah and pay attention.

Reality rundown

I am so proud of myself because I was literally watching three shows at one time tonight. THREE! And I still managed to keep up! It's the little things. Here are the highlights.

So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8:00): Adam Shankman talks too much! When FOX announced they were making him a permanent judge I was thinking this could be a nice mix. What I didn't realize is that by giving him a seat on the panel there would be no guest judges. I miss hearing the commentary from the other professional dancers. Shankman just rambles on and on and on ... and on and on and on. He's probably still talking now.

There weren't too many exciting routines. I hate any sort of 70s disco and tonight was the revival of the hustle. I don't know why the choreographers feel the need to throw in all these death lifts and death spins. I hope they throw in some death insurance (and maybe a helmet). I also hate it when they make them dance with props. If it's not a top hat or a stationary chair, they shouldn't be dancing with it. If that prop doesn't work the way it's supposed to, they blame it on the dancers, not the choreographers.

Best routine of the night was the African jazz routine by Noelle and Russell. I wish I had taped it so I could watch it on playback because it was amazing. And as much as I don't want to be a Legacy fan, he is growing in this competition. He totally out-danced his partner Kathryn in their Broadway number. I used to think contemporary dancers had the upper hand on this show, but I'm starting to think it's actually the hip hoppers. Their lack of training makes them much more adaptable. I see Russell and Legacy in the Top 6.


"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00): In a "Biggest Loser" first, two players are sent home this week. Ali announces that there will be both a yellow line and a red line. The player who falls below the red line will automatically be sent home, and the two players who fall below the yellow line will be put to a vote. Jillian makes it clear to Bob that she wants Shay to stay because Shay needs to stay. Bob wants to make sure Amanda is still around.

At the challenge, Rudy wins immunity and Shay is upset that Rudy didn't help her win. I'm starting to see a pattern with Shay. She wants people to help her win, but she never does anything to help herself. Pause it: Everybody needs to be there, Shay. They just stopped eating before they got as big as you. Don't hate on them for realizing their problem sooner than you. During the workout, Jillian calls Shay out on all her crying. Thank you, Jillian! I thought I was going to have to come out to the ranch and smack her across the face.

At the weigh-in, Shay loses 17 pounds and breaks the record for the woman to lose 100 pounds the fastest. Danny also loses 17 and breaks the 100 pound mark. Daniel's second chance comes to an end as he falls below the red line. It's Bob vs. Jillian for the elimination when both their pet projects, Shay and Amanda, fall below the yellow line. In a stunning vote, the players send Shay packing and she cries her way back to Newport Beach.

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The bossy Aussie heads to the beaches of Miami on "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00). Pablo, a 21-year-old salon owner, doesn't even do hair; he just likes the business aspect of owning a business, and he's not even good at that. He owes $19,000 in back rent, is $75,000 in debt and lives off $400 a month he gets from working at a bar.

The salon wasn't the problem in this episode, it was the staff. Color specialist and salon meanie Joy wants upscale clients but dresses like a hooker. The rest of the stylists treat Pablo like he's the shampoo boy, not their boss. Tabatha says Joy looks like "a leather washed up hooker troll doll." OUCH! After Tab whips the place into shape, Allure Salon has a lead stylist in Irina, Joy gets to keep her job and Pablo is able to pay off $6,000 of his debt. "He really filled his big boy pants ... with his balls," Tabatha quips.

Over on "The Hills" (MTV, 10:00), Kristin must really enjoy seconds because she's gone back twice for a helping of boyfriends (for thirds if you believe the tabloids). First she nibbled on Audrina's ex, Justin. Now she's eating of Jayde's plate with a bite of Brody. Pause it: The garbage truck runs on Tuesdays. I'm sure Brody will be sitting in it next week. Both Jayde and Audrina are gluttons for relationship punishment. I'm so over seeing them go "on a break" with their boyfriends only to go running back the next week. At least Kristin has enough self-respect to move on when Justin started acting up. Too bad she moved in the wrong direction.

Heidi and Spencer have only been married for two months and she's screaming about having a baby. Spence, being the loving hubby that he is, immediately goes to a urologist for a consult on a vasectomy. He thinks it's like a faucet that he can turn off and on when he's ready to make a baby. (Clearly, he missed health class that day). I was LOLing when the doctor explained the procedure using diagrams and pictures. Spencer was squirming like his testicles were in a vise-grip. It was like watching a cartoon the way he bolted out of that office. I'm still laughing 3 hours later.

The takeover

Tuesday night became one of my worst TV nightmares when three good shows were airing in the 8:00 time slot. At one point, I was watching 2 shows on TV and one online. Craziness! Here's a rundown of what I was watching.

"So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00): Once again the World Series throws off the schedule and the judges get to decide who gets cut. Noelle is back in the competition after sitting out last week with a bum knee, and Nigel says that network big wigs have cleared the way for ailing Billy Bell and his replacement Brandon to both return next year.

Season 5 dancers didn't live up to the judges hype, and Season 6 is leaving me feeling a little let down so far. Not by the dancers, but the choreography. Sometimes they go so far out into la la land with these concepts that they make it hard to showcase the dancing. Wade Robson's piece based on Van Gogh's Starry Night painting was over the top and complex. The hip hop routine put together by newbie Jamal Sims had too many props and the Bollywood number was more about the lighting than the dancing. Tyce Diorio actually put together a great Broadway number from "The Color Purple", but it was wasted on Bianca and Victor who brought no excitement to it.

The best performances of the night came from Legacy and Kathryn in a contemporary piece by Stacey Tookey, and Ryan and Ellenore in a sexy Argentine tango. Bianca, Victor, Phillip and Noelle are placed in the bottom four, and in the click of a shoe, 2 of the 3 tappers (Bianca and Phillip) are sent home. I wasn't fond of either of them but tappers are really at a disadvantage in this competition. You can barely hear the tapping and they aren't trained to move their bodies the way other dancers are. Last tapper standing Peter had better bring it once viewers get to vote. I suspect they feel the same way I do.

"Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00): Does anyone even know who Tabatha Coffey is? I can tell you she was the resident bitch contestant on Jaclyn Smith's short-lived reality show "Shear Genius"; she's only famous for having a sharp tongue. That being said, I LOVE this woman! She's brash, sassy and tells it like it is. She's like my twin! (In a Village of the Damned kind of way.) In the Season 2 opener, she travel to Orbit Salon in Chicago where the owner is $750,000 in debt. 20 years ago, Orbit was the premier salon in Chicago, but now it's a giant hairball and owner Eddie has become a hoarder of hair products. His basement is stacked with $100,000 worth of retail items and personal junk.

Last season, people cried when upon Tabatha's arrived. The Orbit's staff cheered, but that excitement soon turns to embarrassment then anger after she lays into them about their technique and lack of pride in the salon. The place was a filthy mess with hair all over the floor, bathrooms that greet you with a smell and products caked with dust. Tabatha gives them a chance to prove their worth by bringing in patrons for the stylists to work on. Lindsay was not a fan of being told how to do hair so she storms out and tells Tabatha to "F*&# off". Pause it: Her tombstone will read "Here lies Lindsay. Tabatha f*&#ed her up." The staff has good hairdressing skills, they're just lazy. In the end, Tabatha shames ... er, motivates Eddie into becoming a better manager, and she brings Orbit back into our solar system by making the salon more chic and modern. Lindsay is shown the door for not being a team player. With that attitude I'm sure she's still unemployed.

This show may not be for everyone's taste, but you should watch it if only to learn what goes on behind the doors of your hair salon. Is the place you get your hair done in need of a takeover? If so then why are you still going there for service?

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On "The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00), teams travel to Washington, D.C. to bring awareness to obesity and promote healthy living. Was it just me or was the usually void of emotion Alli a little more amped than usual? The contestants sit down with senators to discuss adding more physical education courses to school curriculum's, and later they make a salad from the White House garden. Pause it: WHAT? No appearance from the first lady? No glimpse of Sasha? Malia? Not even Bo? At the weigh in, Rebecca has immunity and Shay is still crying. Still. Crying. She breaks 400 lbs. by losing 9 and I'm proud of her for staying in the game. But it is weird to see someone happy about being 393 lbs. I'm just saying. Liz and Wild-Eyed Tracey fall below the yellow line and karma bites back hard when Tracey is sent home. A moment of silence for her maniacal gaze. May the wild eyes rest in peace.

"The Hills" (MTV, 10:00): To quench her pregnancy thirst, Spencer gets Heidi a pair of puppies for her birthday. Brody is on a break from Jayde so he calls up ex-girlfriend Kristin to be his date to Heidi's party. Audrina is still the dumbest girl on the planet when it comes to relationships. She's still carrying a torch for grease monkey Justin, even though he's using Kristin as his new doormat. My brain tells me to stop watching this show. My heart is in agreement.