Stand and deliver

Today was the first Tuesday in a long time that I had absolutely nothing to do. I was really lazy today and played couch potato for most of the afternoon watching repeats of "The Game" on BET and some movie on the Disney channel called "Jump In" about kids in a double-dutch jump rope competition. Mindless entertainment.

"16 and Pregnant" (MTV, 10:00): I almost feel guilty when I say that I'm glad this show is back because it's like I want to see girls stuck in a pregnant pickle. But the truth is this show is one of the most realistic portrayals of the consequences of unprotected sex. It's the best thing MTV has given us since "The Real World: Las Vegas". Season 2 kicks off with the story of Jenelle, a North Carolina teen whose alcoholic boyfriend is former model turned mooch.

Jenelle and Andrew have been in a long-distance relationship for three years. Mom Barbara hates the guy and lets him know he needs to step up. Andrew has no job, no driver's license and lives with his parents. Pause it: Yes, that is Andrew's picture in the dictionary next to the word 'deadbeat'. Jenelle thinks having a baby isn't going to be that hard. "It's going to be like dressing up a doll everyday." Pause it: And that's Jenelle's picture next to the word 'dunce'. Sure sweetie, your baby will look like a doll ... that pees and poops on cue.

After 12 hours of labor, Jenelle gives birth to a baby boy named Jace. Rewind: 'Jace' was on my short list of possible baby names, you know ... for when I have kids. Gotta find a husband but right now I'll settle for a man who has all his teeth. The two days she spent in the hospital were the first and last times Andrew saw his son. He spent the first week of Jace's life in jail on a DUI charge then decided his feelings for Jenelle had "dropped". She decides the best way to get over him is by hitting the party scene with her friends. Guess who's left cleaning up after baby Jace: that would be grandma Barbara, who is none too happy about being an at-the-ready babysitter.

Jenelle reminds me of Farrah during her "Teen Mom" days. She's woman enough to make a baby but not woman enough to take care of it. But unlike Farrah, Jenelle is more than happy to have her baby dropped off at daycare so she can focus on having a social life. What else is different from Jenelle? When her mom gets pissed, she make Jenelle take her baby out with her! Farrah's mom could've used some of Barbara's brass balls.

CHANNEL SURFING
"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): Who knew there were so many ways to sing a Jason Mraz song? The judges gave seven wannabe stars a spot in the Top 24. Two of my early favorites, Michael Lynche and Todrick Hall made it through. You'll recall that Michael missed the birth of his first born on group day of Hollywood Week and Todrick performed with Fantasia in "The Color Purple". Unfortunately, Shelby Dressel, the girl with the facial deformity didn't make the cut. But it was Jessica Furney, also a Season 8 reject, who went damn near postal when the judges told her that Season 9 was a no-go as well. "Can you tell me what I did wrong?" she begged. "You didn't sing as well as the others," Simon retorts. Truth hurts.

"Lost" (ABC, 9:00) made my head hurt, but I have a theory about the numbers. Inside the cave, Fake Locke showed Sawyer a wall full of names with corresponding numbers in front - Hurley's unlucky lottery numbers (4-8-15-16-23-42). I think these numbers were the seat numbers for the Oceanic 6, the people who were rescued from the island (Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Sun and baby Aaron). Sawyer's name wasn't scratched out but he jumped from the helicopter before it crashed, giving Aaron a chance to be rescued. Locke's name wasn't scratched out and he wasn't a member of the Oceanic 6, so could his death be the sacrifice for Kate? Just a theory, but maybe Kate is the secret to the island, not Locke. Did anyone else catch that or am I starting to sound like Locke?

Let the games begin

The Olympics start Friday and NBC is not skimping on the Oly-themed shows. But we'll get to that later. I need a minute to finish gagging on all their "inspirational motivation". VOMITING!

"Lost" (ABC, 9:00): I finally figured out what they are doing this season. Aside from trying to give me a brain aneurysm, the writers are using a storytelling tactic called "flash-sideways". It's a season of "what ifs" vs. "what is" and the stories run parallel. Tonight's episode peel back the many layers of Kate and reveal how she and Claire would have crossed paths off the island.

After breaking free from the federal agent, Kate hijacks a cab with Claire in the backseat. Pause it: Obviously they are still in 2004 because there is no way a woman in handcuffs would get past airport security. *Montage of the shoe bomber, the underwear bomber and me sneaking my extra ounces of liquid onto the plane* On second thought ...

Ever since Claire disappeared on the island, Kate has been baby Aaron's second mom. After they were rescued, she passed him off as her own and raised him until they returned to the island. In the present, Claire was in Los Angeles to give her baby up for adoption but the couple backed out of the deal. She goes into labor and it's Kate who's by her side when she gives birth, just like she was on the island. Rewind: Did you catch that the man who delivered her baby, Dr. Goodspeed, was actually Ethan Rom? He's the man that kidnapped Claire on the island. Creepy!

I'm enjoying how the show is tying in how the characters would've still been connected even if Flight 815 hadn't crashed. It's also giving us a glimpse of how their lives would've been reshaped. In March, we'll get to see episodes centered around Ben (Mar. 9), Sawyer (Mar. 16) and Sun/Jin (Mar. 30). Executive producer Carlton Cuse urges viewer to forget about everything you've learned from previous seasons' flashbacks. "All that matters now are the flash-sideways stories," he says.

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00): The teams head to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado to get inspiration from some of the country's top athletes. The teams move from pairs to individuals with two people getting eliminated this week. The person who falls below the red line goes home automatically and the two people below the yellow line are put to an elimination vote.

We already know that NBC is airing the Olympics. Do we really need to be subjected to an Olympic-themed episode of "Biggest Loser"? The only thing worth caring about was that hot potato figure skater. His name is not important. Just believe me when I say I'll be leading a one woman hotness parade for him during the pairs figure skating competition. He was smokin'!

At the weigh-in, the Red Team's Melissa gains a pound and is automatically sent home. Bye Bye. See ya! Don't let the door hit cha! I haven't disliked a contestant this much since Heba from a few seasons ago. Orange Team's Cheryl and Darrell from the Black Team fall below the yellow line and get a chance to fight to stay in an elimination challenge. They must keep their "Olympic torch" lit in a weird balancing act. Really? The results? To be continued.

Last chance rant: NBC, your pockets are showing! The network must be really hard up for money with all the freaking product placement ads on this show. If Bob tells me one more time to chew Extra Sugar-free gum I'm going to mash his face into my armpit and continue to eat my cake and ice cream. And how much do I hate Allison Sweeney as the host of this show? She's completely useless.

CHANNEL SURFING
Ellen's comic relief kept the mood light as the judges crushed the dreams of instant fame seekers on "American Idol" (FOX, 8:00). "You frightened me! Sexy and scary ... it's a fine line," she tells the obnoxious Skiiboski. I really wanted to see small town girl Vanessa Wolfe (of aeroplane fame) to make it through, but her nerves got the best of her. Best performance of the night was Janell Wheeler singing "American Boy" on acoustic guitar.

After these messages: Toyota is eating a big helping of humble pie, kind of like those Dominos Pizza commercials where they admit their crusts taste like cardboard, except Toyota's mistake might kill you ... I absolutely LOVE the Volkswagon "slugbug color" commersh. It was my favorite Super Bowl ad.

Second place is still losing

I'm at least 5 hours behind on my TV watching, so if you miss talking about your favorite shows, feel free to drop me a line. While everyone else is watch the Super Bowl, I'll be watching "24" and "Make It or Break It" online.

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 9:00): I can't believe "Loser" had the nerve to go head-to-head against "Lost". Thankfully I was taping "Lost", but that meant sitting through 2 hours of this overblown show. No fast forwarding tonight. Sad face.

The Blue and Yellow teams returned to the ranch to see which pair had lost the most weight after 30 days. The team who wins not only gets immunity, but also has the only vote at this week's elimination. Before the weigh-in, the Blue and Yellow are treated to a last chance workout. Bob calls it a "rite of passage," but it looked like aerobic torture to me. I work out with a trainer and let me tell you - people who do that must have some sort of "mean gene". (Sorry, Dan!) The Blue team loses a combined total of 63 lbs., but the Yellow team smashes them by losing 76 with O'neal losing 51 lbs. of it.

Pause it: This show is so freakin' long and repetitive. I ran to Metropolitan Market to get my free pineapple. When I got back I learned that Jillian had clearly gotten her therapist license since she was going around digging into everyone's psyche. Michael, the lone member of the White team had won immunity and the Pink team had earned a two-pound disadvantage. The saddest part was Metropolitan Market was out of free pineapples.

At the final weigh-in, Michael is on par to break the record for losing 100 lbs. the fastest. He's got 17 more to go to best Rudy from last season. Pink overcame their two-pound deficit by pulling a good number. The Red team was slowly sliding towards that dreaded yellow line and for a second I thought they were going to reap what they had sowed for throwing the first two weigh-ins. But it was John, the last member of the Brown team twins, who got sent home. I really wanted him to make it to makeover week just so I could see what his neck looked like without that beard on it. Thank goodness he had shaved it in the "where-are-they-now" clip.

Last chance rant: Miggy said she had an appendectomy, but it seemed like she went in for a hang nail. Who works out the day after surgery?

CHANNEL SURFING
Some tidbits I learned from the "Teen Mom Reunion" (MTV, 10:00): In the words of Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and the City," Maci and Ryan are "so over they need a new word for over." Ryan said he sees his son Bentley as an obligation and if Maci wasn't the mother of his child he would never speak to her again. RUDE! ... Amber and Gary got back together and he moved into her apartment. Amber said there's a chance she may be pregnant again and I have to say, she was looking a little preggers in the face ... Catelynn and Tyler are putting off marriage until after college. Baby Carly's adoptive parents sent a letter and pictures and we are able to see her first Christmas and christening. Very touching. ... Farrah is still Farrah and defiant until the end. I was feeling a little sympathy for her at first, but once her mother took the stage with her, she reverted back to her old b!&chy self. No word on the outcome of her mother getting arrested for allegedly choking her.

"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): The audition stage is almost over and Denver was the next to last stop. The talent turned out in droves and 26 people made it through to Hollywood.

After these messages: I'm loving the new Pemco commercials with the "you go, no you go" guy and the "goat renter" guy. They really hit the Seattle stereotypes right on the head.

Guys and dolls

Light night so I'm keeping it short and sweet.

"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): At least 10,000 people turned out for the Atlanta auditions where Mary J. Blige joined the panel as guest judge. I'm not surprised that the Aye-Tee-El turned out a ton of talent. Seven of the 8 "Idol" winners are from southern states, although I wouldn't really consider Oklahoma as a southern state. (Sorry, Carrie Underwood). Jordin Sparks of Arizona is the lone outsider. I only watched 60 minutes of this extended show, but the part I did see made me proud to be a country girl.

Out of all the wacky people that trapsed in, only one audition really stood out to me. As I was listening to "country girl from the country" Vanessa Wolfe's sob story, all I could do was pray that she had some talent. It would've been a shame to sit through 2 minutes of her telling us how she wanted to break free from her small town only to have her be denied a ticket to Hollywood. And even though I didn't think her voice was that great , I still wanted her to make it through. "I'm gonna ride on a aeroplane!" she exclaimed.

I was shocked that annoying "Skii Bo Ski" could actually carry a tune, but oh so thankful that my recorder switched over to "Criminal Minds" before I could hear his spiel about how he's like a dollar store. Moving on ...

"Criminal Minds" (CBS, 9:00): I haven't watched this show in so long I've forgotten the names of the characters. I stopped watching this show for a period and after tonight, I remember why. Indeed, this had to be one of the creepiest episodes I have ever seen. I almost didn't finish watching it because the hairs on my arm were standing at attention.

Some crazy lunatic was kidnapping women, paralyzing them, then dressing them up like dolls. There was a lot of technical talk about physical immobility and mental awareness, but all I could focus on was how scary those girls looked. I don't know who those ladies were playing the parts, but if Emmys were handed for Best Actress With a Creepy Doll Face, those girls would definitely go home award winners. I will never look at a doll the same way again. Shudder!

Funny lines overheard on "Ugly Betty" (ABC, 10:00):

• "You're not paid for your voice, you're paid to imitate mine!" - Wilhemina to Betty after she pitches a story that goes against the one she was assigned.
• "The ingredients are chicken broth, evil and dirt." - Justin complaining about the taste of the soup Bobby brought over to cure his fever.

Best line from Simon Cowell: "It's like a cat barking." Where does his mind go to come up with this stuff?

Life, liberty and the pursuit of instant fame

It was a crazy day and an even crazier night, so I had a hard time cramming it all in. But the Watch Party goes on with or without me so I figured I'd better suck it up. Here's what I saw between naps:

"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): For the last few seasons, I have barely watched "Idol" past the audition rounds. I have soured on this show now that people have shucked the actual talent factor and show up for auditions with the I-want-to-be-on-TV-so-I'm-going-to-be-obnoxious routine. It's not like that doesn't happen on all reality-competition shows (remember "Sex" from "So You Think You Can Dance"?), but there is something about "American Idol" that brings out some of the most delusional people I have ever seen. There's also this sense of self-entitlement where everyone feels like they deserve to be famous. Pause it: How about finding a cure for ingrown toenails or figuring out what those numbers mean on "Lost"? That is something that will make you famous.

Season 9 auditions kick off in Boston where a crowd of 9,000 waited in the pouring rain for a chance to shine in front of Randy, nu-Paula and Simon. Pause it: FOX can deny, deny, deny but I'm most certain that bringing in Kara DioGuardi as a so-called "fourth judge" was the nail in Paula's coffin. Victoria Beckham of Spice Girl fame was brought in to fill the final chair. Pretty much everyone who makes it in front of the panel is seeking some sort of validation from Simon, the most biting judge in the history of reality TV. Pause it: Forget New York! If you can make it in front of Simon, you can make it anywhere. The fact that people show up begging for his approval should prove that "Idol" numbers will likely tumble after his exit.

Only 31 people made it through to Hollywood, so the talent was slim for the picking. There were a few standouts like 16-year old Katie Stevens (the girl with the ailing granny) and Ashley Rodriguez, who wowed the judges with an Alicia Keys song. But Boston wasn't without its weirdos either. Janet McNamera honed her skills by playing the "American Idol" video game. Sorry, honey! A mock "Idol" stage does not a star make. And I can't leave off Mere Doyle, the girl who harbors an obsession for anime and wanted to audition for "American Idol" to become famous in ... Japan?

I'll tell you, I've had coworkers say to me I have a nice voice, but you won't catch me trying to sing in front of an audience. I know what I sound like and they are just being polite. The people who try out for this show should realize that mommy and daddy don't make the most impartial judges.

Note to self: Get one of those "Idol" video games. I wouldn't mind hearing a digital Simon Cowell tell me I'm bloody awful. His best quip of the night - "Is this window open?" - after hearing Janet sing. I also laughed when Randy told Britney-Spears-song-murdering Pat Ford to "stop singing forever." Auditions continue Wednesday in Hotlanta.

CHANNEL SURFING
I was so tired I could barely pay attention during "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00). Of course it would be the episode when Farrah finally decided to step up to the plate of motherhood and show some interest in caring for her daughter. "I can't believe I'm actually getting my work done with Sophia," she says. Well, Farrah, seeing as how this is the first time you've actually tried, we wouldn't have expected you to know that. And let's give it up for Amber, who in the midst of trying to get her G.E.D., fought putting her baby in daycare. Too bad she had to go against her wishes for the greater good of her family's future.

On the season finale of "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00), she helped a salon where all the stylists had one year of experience. FAIL! Those stylist weren't fit to cut a dog's hair, let alone a humans!

Did you watch "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00)? How funny is it that Alicia's ringtone for her mother-in-law is the theme song to "The Twilight Zone"?

After these messages: Why is Emmy-award winning actress Megan Mullally shoveling butter? Really? Butter? Those "Turn the Tub Around" commercials are not only annoying, they also make me want to "turn the volume down". In the words of Karen Walker: "What's this? What's going on here?"

News Break - So long, Simon

A mere 7 days before the premiere of "American Idol", the cantankerous - but always right - Simon Cowell has announced that Season 9 will be his last.

Cowell, the driving force behind Britain's hit "The X Factor", is bringing a version to the U.S. in the fall of 2011. He'll serve as a judge on the show as well as executive producer.

"The X Factor" is a talent competition that finds new stars in a variety of entertainment fields, not just music. The show has no age limit and groups are allowed to apply. Pause it: I can see it now - a group of Susan Boyle wannabes doing spoken word performances. The judges are also responsible for mentoring the talent.

Hopefully with Simon leaving, this will be the death of "Idol". I liked the show until they allowed the dreadful Taylor Hicks into the Top 12. Then I dropped in from time to time to see the audition shows. We all figured "Idol" could survive without Paula Abdul, and I'm looking forward to seeing what Ellen DeGeneres will bring to the show. But no Simon Cowell? That's like "Sesame Street" with no Big Bird.