Please, pass the chips ... from your shoulder

First off, let's welcome new follower Cedric to the Watch Party! Yay! When I hit 10 I'll know I've made it. Pull up a chair Ced! No hogging the remote.

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, Tues., 8:00): I don't know what it is about this show that makes me want to grab a bag of Doritos. Or popcorn. Or pizza. I used to work out during the commercial breaks by doing jumping jacks or fast walking around my living room. Pause it: My downstairs neighbors did not like this. But the heavier the contestants get, the less motivated I am. I say to myself, "Well at least I'm not that big." Sad, but true.

"Loser" checks in on the Blue and Yellow teams ... you remember them don't you? The sad sacks who were sent home before they even got to unpack. The teams are halfway through their 30-day stint at home, both trying to lose weight to come back to the ranch.

Now maybe someone can help me figure this out. People come on this show because they can't lose the weight by themselves at home. Then when they are forced to earn a spot on the ranch, they go home and drop 10, 20, 30 lbs. I'm no gym rat by any means, and only a handful of things annoy me more than people who say they like to workout. But why the motivation now? Is it the money? Being on TV? Screw the ranch! If it were me, I'd find more pride in being able to lose the weight on my own. Pause it: For those of you who are about to jump down my throat, let me say that I do have a gym membership and I work with a personal trainer (Hi Dan!) But it take a HUGE effort to drag out of bed and go to the gym every other day. Hence, the personal trainer. It's all about accountability. Hey, if it affects my wallet, it affects my weight. But enough about my fat rolls ...

The teams were divided into students and teachers. The teachers would workout with Jillian and Bob then would have to share their knowledge with the students. Only the students' weight loss would count at the weigh in. Pink team wins the temptation challenge and gets to determine the student/teacher match-ups. Green team's Migdalia immediately gets angry with being made the teacher because she knew it was her week to shine on the scale. During the workout, she completely shuts down and walks out on Jillian, threatening to quit the show. Pause it: I was never able to really figure out what Migdalia's problem was, but she was extremely annoying. She eventually said Jillian made her angry by calling her out on her parenting skills. I knew she wasn't going anywhere, but kudos to her for finding a way to not finish her workout by throwing a tantrum. (I've done that with my trainer, too except I threaten to vomit then go and lay down on a locker-room bench for 10 minutes. Sorry, Dan! My arms were hurting!)

At the weigh-in, Gray team has immunity and the choice to switch one team's student/teacher pairing. Instead of using White team's Maria's weight, they opted to make Michael's count after watching him piss around in the gym all week and not give 100% in his workouts. Their switch paid off and White team fell below the yellow line. Maria took the bullet and asked players to keep her son - and heaviest contestant ever - in the game.

Looks like more fireworks next week! With a quick push of the pause button I was able to see that Melissa will drop 28 lbs. next week. Do you think the Red Team is throwing the weigh-ins for a big payoff like this? Or was Melissa really not putting in work? I love it when the trainers go all renegade on the losers! Especially Bob!

I'm going to introduce a new segment to "Biggest Loser" recaps. We'll call it "Plug of the Night". With all the product placements, it's anyone's guess how there's not a big Brita logo in the corner of the TV screen instead of NBC's peacock. Tonight's winner is Walgreens. "What am I going to use to ice my knee when I'm at home," wonders John. Hmmm, I don't know ... maybe a pack of ice. Did we really need to know that Walgreens makes little bags with Velcro to put your ice cubes in? I'm just sayin'.

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Tune in next Tuesday for the season finale of "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00) where Tyler will pop the question to Catelynn and Maci makes a decision about her and Ryan's future. MTV is also coming back with a second season of "16 and Pregnant". The show will follow the lives of 10 new girls as they struggle with the reality of teen pregnancy. You won't want to miss it. Premieres February 16.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of instant fame

It was a crazy day and an even crazier night, so I had a hard time cramming it all in. But the Watch Party goes on with or without me so I figured I'd better suck it up. Here's what I saw between naps:

"American Idol" (FOX, 8:00): For the last few seasons, I have barely watched "Idol" past the audition rounds. I have soured on this show now that people have shucked the actual talent factor and show up for auditions with the I-want-to-be-on-TV-so-I'm-going-to-be-obnoxious routine. It's not like that doesn't happen on all reality-competition shows (remember "Sex" from "So You Think You Can Dance"?), but there is something about "American Idol" that brings out some of the most delusional people I have ever seen. There's also this sense of self-entitlement where everyone feels like they deserve to be famous. Pause it: How about finding a cure for ingrown toenails or figuring out what those numbers mean on "Lost"? That is something that will make you famous.

Season 9 auditions kick off in Boston where a crowd of 9,000 waited in the pouring rain for a chance to shine in front of Randy, nu-Paula and Simon. Pause it: FOX can deny, deny, deny but I'm most certain that bringing in Kara DioGuardi as a so-called "fourth judge" was the nail in Paula's coffin. Victoria Beckham of Spice Girl fame was brought in to fill the final chair. Pretty much everyone who makes it in front of the panel is seeking some sort of validation from Simon, the most biting judge in the history of reality TV. Pause it: Forget New York! If you can make it in front of Simon, you can make it anywhere. The fact that people show up begging for his approval should prove that "Idol" numbers will likely tumble after his exit.

Only 31 people made it through to Hollywood, so the talent was slim for the picking. There were a few standouts like 16-year old Katie Stevens (the girl with the ailing granny) and Ashley Rodriguez, who wowed the judges with an Alicia Keys song. But Boston wasn't without its weirdos either. Janet McNamera honed her skills by playing the "American Idol" video game. Sorry, honey! A mock "Idol" stage does not a star make. And I can't leave off Mere Doyle, the girl who harbors an obsession for anime and wanted to audition for "American Idol" to become famous in ... Japan?

I'll tell you, I've had coworkers say to me I have a nice voice, but you won't catch me trying to sing in front of an audience. I know what I sound like and they are just being polite. The people who try out for this show should realize that mommy and daddy don't make the most impartial judges.

Note to self: Get one of those "Idol" video games. I wouldn't mind hearing a digital Simon Cowell tell me I'm bloody awful. His best quip of the night - "Is this window open?" - after hearing Janet sing. I also laughed when Randy told Britney-Spears-song-murdering Pat Ford to "stop singing forever." Auditions continue Wednesday in Hotlanta.

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I was so tired I could barely pay attention during "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00). Of course it would be the episode when Farrah finally decided to step up to the plate of motherhood and show some interest in caring for her daughter. "I can't believe I'm actually getting my work done with Sophia," she says. Well, Farrah, seeing as how this is the first time you've actually tried, we wouldn't have expected you to know that. And let's give it up for Amber, who in the midst of trying to get her G.E.D., fought putting her baby in daycare. Too bad she had to go against her wishes for the greater good of her family's future.

On the season finale of "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00), she helped a salon where all the stylists had one year of experience. FAIL! Those stylist weren't fit to cut a dog's hair, let alone a humans!

Did you watch "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00)? How funny is it that Alicia's ringtone for her mother-in-law is the theme song to "The Twilight Zone"?

After these messages: Why is Emmy-award winning actress Megan Mullally shoveling butter? Really? Butter? Those "Turn the Tub Around" commercials are not only annoying, they also make me want to "turn the volume down". In the words of Karen Walker: "What's this? What's going on here?"

Biggest loser ... and not in a good way

For some reason I was wasn't excited about the premiere of "The Biggest Loser". The thought of sitting through 2 hours of this show did not appeal to me at all so I taped it to fast forward through the embarrassment on the faces of the contestants who were made to get on a scale in front of their hometowns. For now, let's check in on ...

"Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): For the last few weeks I have been harping on Farrah and her lack of parenting skills ... and I'll be doing it again this week (consistency is key). But for now I need to shine the light on some other lame parents: Lyin' Ryan and Double Zero Gary.

Maci and Ryan, left, are still trying to work things out. They are smart enough to know that living together again is a terrible idea. Too bad for their parents they are splitting time between shacking up in both houses. When the young family goes to have their portrait made, Ryan refuses to smile for the picture. "We look like we hate each other," Maci whines. Pause it: You may not realize it now, sweetie but deep down, you do. I don't understand why these two continue to torture each other with this forced relationship. Ryan did all that begging to get Maci back but it's obvious he doesn't want to have anything to do with being a parent. And now that he's lost his job, it's Maci who's bringing home the bacon while he sits on his ass eating it. I can't even call him a stay-at-home dad because the first chance he gets he's out the door. He even left the house in the early morning hours to avoid tending to crying baby Bentley. Pause it: If I were Maci I would've followed him outside and given him a swift kick to his man berries. Maci's mom suggests they see a counselor and during the session they realize they both have to ask for the help and understanding they want. Blah, blah, blah lady! Put it on a greeting card. Ryan doesn't want help, he wants his freedom.

Gary, Amber's boyfriance, has entered the competition and is working overtime to claim the prize of biggest idiot and laziest father. Amber is living in a motel with their baby and in her quest to get herself away from Gary, she's also moving farther away from her G.E.D. as she misses her classes. He shows up to spend time with Leah, but he never takes her anywhere to give Amber a break. He scoops up the baby, kisses her then promptly returns her to her crib. To convince her to move back in, Gary arranges a candlelit dinner with food from her favorite restaurant - Cracker Barrel. Pause it: First he gives her a $20 Wal-Mart engagement ring, then he fills her up with meatloaf from a country kitchen! What? Were they out of chicken fried steak? Amber relents and moves back home, but only if Gary moves in with his mom. You're a smart one, girly! Make that loser work for it!

Which brings us to baby-making, boyfriend-searching, parent-disrespecting, rhymes with witch Farrah. Oh, to be able to reach through the TV screen!!!! If I could, I would strangle her between my two big toes - I swear I would! She's still going out every night, leaving baby Sophia in the care of her parents. They continue to preach that she can't live the same pre-pregnancy lifestyle, but how about changing the locks on her? How about making her take the baby with her on one of her many dates? Or better yet, how about popping that trollop in her lip the next time she flips off at the mouth? "I wish my parents would stop telling me to be a better mom and just let me be a normal teenager," she gripes. Well guess what honey: having a baby when you're in high school may be the norm, but it's not normal.

I was leading a one-woman hotness parade for Alexander, another oldie but goody Farrah met at a club. Pause it: Did anybody else get goosebumps when he called her out on her parenting skills? She definitely met her match with this guy, and I was so glad he didn't back down in questioning her about not spending time with Sophia. When Farrah asked Alexander if he wanted to meet up the next day, he gave her the ol' "I-have-to-pick-a-friend-up-from-the-airport" line. LOVED IT!! Farrah says she wants to meet a guy who will be cool with her having a kid. I venture to say that a real man would respect her more if she would exhibit some signs of being a responsible mother. An MTV poll shows that 97% of voters think Farrah is too focused on having a social life. If she's not careful, baby Sophia will be calling Farrah by her real first name: B!#*h.

T-Note: After a little bit of digging, I found out that Sophia's dad died in a car accident in December, 2008. Other blogs say that he wanted to be involved in the baby's life but MTV wanted to portray Farrah as 'the single mom'. Just Google the name 'Derek Underwood' and judge for yourselves.

It's been five months since Catelynn gave Carly up for adoption and it sounds like she's having second thoughts. At Tyler's suggestion, she calls her adoption agent who refers her to support group. I've been hard on them in previous blogs, but Catelynn and Tyler are the only couple who ever show love or respect toward each other. It's apparent that making such a hard decision at their young age only strengthened their relationship. And I swear, if they make me cry one more time, I'm going to gouge my eyeball out with a dull spoon.

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• Maybe it's because I'm blogging while my stomach sits on my lap or maybe it's the way they kick people off before they even lose a pound, but "The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00) is becoming more annoying than inspiring. First of all, can we please cut the show down to one hour. You could lose the 15 minutes of product placements, the 25 minutes of watching people sweat and vomit and that's already 40 minutes trimmed off. I mean, this is a weight loss show right? Second of all, Allison is an annoying host. I'm lumping her in with Chris Harrison from "The Bachelor". All they do is repeat the same thing over and over again ... in the most dramatic rose ceremony/weigh in yet.
• "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00) is back and I'm starting to see glimpses of "Boston Legal" in the writing, especially when they bring in the raging liberal judge. Same schtick, different political preference.
• "The Cosby Show" (NIK, 4:30 am) will forever and always be my all-time favorite TV show. It's hard to believe Theo was my childhood crush.

Eat. Cry. Moan.

I did a whole lot of channel surfing during the 10:00 hour. Here are some observations:

I only watched the first hour of the "Kennedy Center Honors" (CBS, 9:00), but the parts I did see were really funny. It was cool watching Robert De Niro get props for his work, but even cooler to see the humble expression on his face as friends and colleagues talked about his contributions to cinema. Oh, and that band was really great. Can anybody tell me the name of that jazz song they played?

"Teen Mom" (MTV): I missed the first 15 minutes of the episode and when I tuned in, Catelynn's mom had announced they were moving to Richmond. I'm really annoyed with her mom because she seems like one of those women who always picks a loser boyfriend then goes along with everything he says. The fact that he's Tyler's (Catelynn's boyfriend) dad raises the ick factor. Catelynn is allowed to temporarily move in with Tyler and his mom and she lays down only one rule: no sleeping in the same room. Pause it: How about adding "no sex under my roof" as a rule? I'm just saying ... might as well make it plain. Catelynn says she just wants her mom to put the adoption behind her so they can move on, but how can mom do that when Cate and Ty have big ol' baby tattoos on their shoulder and stomach? Mom will move on when you do, guys.

I must have missed a big chunk of Farrah's story too because when she came on she was talking about going to culinary school. Where did that come from? I saw a glimmer of hope when she went to the doctor to get birth control pills, but her idiocy reigned supreme when she hid them from her parents by putting them in the refrigerator. After her dad finds it, he questions why she would be putting herself in situations where she would need birth control. "We got a beautiful gift from a mistake," he says. But Farrah isn't hearing it and she later leaves Sophia with her mom while she goes out to party. Pause it: It's quite obvious Farrah's parents can't get the top off their can of "Whoop-Ass". *Sliding mom a bottle opener*

Last week, I was really proud of Maci for dumping Ryan, but tonight she took a step backward by getting back together with him. She says she misses having him around whenever baby Bentley gets fussy, but I can't seem to recall a time when Ryan was around for the baby being fussy, calm, sleeping, eating, etc. Pause it: Does anyone else think that Ryan looks like a thinner version of Levi Johnston? I have a feeling that Maci will be regretting her decision in the near future.

Amber and Gary are still going at it. Amber is struggling to keep up in her G.E.D. classes while he somehow manages to find time to get out of the house for "a little break." When Amber comes in complaining about how filthy their house is, Gary replies, "All you do is go to school for six hours a week and watch the baby." Pause it: Everybody take cover from the s*%t that's about to hit the fan. Amber tells Gary that she doesn't want to be with him anymore and decides to move into a hotel room for the week. After she's packed up the car and is ready to drive off, that's when he has a change of heart. That sound you hear is Amber's tires squealing as she drives off, leaving him crying like the big-ass baby that he is. Amber is over Gary and I am too.

"Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo): Fab Tab breezed into the Windy City to tackle Chicago Male, a three-year-old, gay salon that only services men. The owner, Scott, is a businessman, but has never owned or operated a hair salon and can't understand why the place is only running at 25%. Pause it: That's because the other 75% of your could-be clients have vaginas. The unprofessional staff stood around all day eating, texting and talking sexually to clients.

Scott wanted to create something that was just for men in one of the largest gay communities in the country, but his 30-minute business model was dragging down the quality of service. I can't even wash my hair in 30 minutes, let alone give someone a proper haircut. After Tabatha announces there would be changes at the salon, she says, "The staff all stared at me like gay deer in headlights."

The stylists are all taken to Paul Mitchell to get a crash course in women's hair, but I'll tell you this: I will not be getting a haircut by someone who basically got the G.E.D. of women's hairstyling. Of course all of Tab's suggestions are implemented and Chicago Male opens it's doors to the female kind. They could always change the name to Chicago She-Male and only take drag queens. At least they could've stayed true to Scott's all-male clientele rule. It's all in the details.

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MTV's new show "The Buried Life" is just "The Bucket List" for young people ... I sat through bits and pieces of "Mo'Nique" because the former cast of "The Game" was on it. I love that show, and I'm still cursing CW for getting rid of one of the funniest, most entertaining, black sitcoms ever to air. At least BET was nice enough to pick it up.

Last word

Since nothing is on TV besides Christmas movies and holiday specials, this will be my last blog for the week. I may drop in from time to time in the next few days, but only to remind you of a good repeat or some New Year specials. Merry Christmas! Your present is a big ol' helping of ...

"Teen Mom" (MTV, Tues., 10:00): I wanted to spend this posting talking about Maci (with son, Bentley) and how responsible she's trying to be, but I feel and Farrah rant coming on.

These two girls are like night and day. Maci is still trying to make a life for herself. She dropped her loser boyfriend Ryan when he showed no interest in being a dad. She signed up for online classes because she didn't want to leave Bentley with a sitter. And she realizes how much she's given up to be a mom. Farrah on the other hand hasn't given up anything, farming out her parenting duties to her mom while she chases down loser after loser boy toys. When Pick of the Week Shaq ditches her to hang out with his friends, she pulls the same stunt she pulled with Cole, only this time she didn't have to drive two hours to confront him. He politely tells her he's only 18 and not in the business of being a baby daddy to a baby that ain't his. Farrah is angry that he "wasted her time," but I'm pissed that she wasted mine. Pause it: You can tell how much time Farrah spends with baby Sophia. She was trying to feed that poor little thing a big honkin' piece of bread, and not the soft little bread slices ... I'm talking a whole chunk of baguette! That baby is 8 months, not 8 years. Jesus couldn't even break that bread! While Maci is striving to be like her college-bound friends, Farrah's only aspiration is to work at an upscale restaurant. Way to dream big, Cupcake!

It's been four months since Catelynn and Tyler gave their daughter Carly up for adoption, but Tyler's dad keeps ripping off the Band-Aid every chance he gets. Rewind: Honestly, I think Catelynn and Tyler are ripping off their own bandages by trying to keep up with the baby's new life. If that were me, I would need more time to get used to the baby being gone before I would want to see pictures of her living a life with someone else. But that's just me. Daddy Butch, fresh off a prison stint, has the nerve to question their decision to give up their daughter even though he's missed a huge part of his son's life by being locked up. Butch says he'd live in a truck with the baby if he had to. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH YOU DOUGHNUT HOLE! Babies are expensive! Like I said before, I admire Catelynn and Tyler for making a mature and selfless decision, however, it is time for them to realize that they are not parents. Giving birth may make them a mom and dad, but looking at pictures and reading e-mails does not make them parents. The parents are the people who took the time to document Carly's growth then e-mailed to tell them about it. That's a parent ... and apparent.

Amber has been racing to a breakdown for weeks now and she almost made it to the finish line tonight. Her car breaks down, forcing her to miss her GED classes and 'fiance' Gary won't let her borrow his car. After the car stalls when she's out with the baby, Gary won't answer his phone and her friend has to drop her off at her dad's apartment. Gary shows up 4 hours later asking, "Why didn't you call me?" then follows up with he was resting in bed and taking a shower. Amber's dad steps in and all hell breaks loose. Gary insults dad and Amber, with all of her built-up, post-pregnancy anger, takes Gary's face and gives it a good shove into the door! Pause it: Waiting for the standing ovation to subside. Gary has to be the most useless piece of man to grace MTV, and that's saying a lot for a network that gave us Spencer Pratt. The two later make up and Amber says she doesn't want to be with someone who isn't going to be there for her. I don't blame you, honey! Next time Gary feels the need to 'take a nap', he'd better sleep with one eye open.

Some funny observations:

• After Farrah confronts Shaq, she thanks him for 'the talk' they had. That's what you call a talk? If a guy ditches me then I find out he's kickin' it at a friend's house, you best believe there will be some finger waggin', lip smackin' and neck rollin'. That's not how we roll at the Watch Party!
• Amber, Amber, Amber. Please stop wearing those short little dresses where I can see your uterus hanging out. And for that baby's sake, lose the "Jersey Shore" fingernails and get a regular manicure. It's a wonder little Leah has any eyeballs.
• Ryan tells Maci they should forget everything and just start over. YOU WISH, BUDDY! He's the one who was out all night partying and leaving Maci to do all the parenting. I'd want her to forget that little detail too.
• One last jab at Farrah: She was upset about being dumped because she had a baby. Honey, you were dumped because a baby is a big ol' c*#!blocker. Gotta call 'em like I see 'em.

... in all the wrong places

Sorry for not posting on Monday night. I was at a holiday party and didn't get a chance to watch everything. But when I finally did, I was really disappointed. Delko's special return to "CSI: Miami" was nothing more than him doing the same job, just working for the opposite side. Diddy didn't fire anyone. Even "Hoarders" didn't tug at gag reflex like it normally does. Tuesday was a little better. Here's the rundown:

"Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): The action picks up with Maci's baby daddy, Ryan, returning home after working a 6-week job away from home. He immediately heads out to hang with his boys, leaving Maci to take care of baby boy Bentley. She later moves out of their apartment and back in with her parents. Maci seems sincere about moving out, but we'll see how long she lasts before she caves to Ryan's magnetic charm. Pause it: Let's give Ryan time to go out and buy some magnetic charm. We're back in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2

Farrah (at left with daughter Sophia) is still in the running for being world's bitchiest teen mom. She determined not to be a single mom so she's trying to date her way through the male population in her hometown. This week loser is Shaq, a black kid she met at work. And stereotypes be damned, his favorite food is ... wait for it ... chicken, which she promises to cook for him. Rewind: I hope she does a better job with that chicken than she did with that microwave pizza last week.

Farrah needs a serious reality check and her sister is determined to give it to her. When sis calls her out for focusing on dating instead of spending time with Sophia, Farrah storms out and whines to her granny that she's a good mom. Cut to her driving off with Sophia on the hood of her car. OK, she didn't do that, but you see where I'm going with this.

Amber desperately wants to be a high school graduate and set out to get a diploma. Too bad her career counselor says her only option is a Good Enough Diploma. At least she's trying to do something with her life. She scores well on her GED pretest and she finally gets a ray of hope.

Catelynn and Tyler did a commendable deed when they gave their daughter Carly up for adoption, but now it's time to let go of the strings. They talk about their baby like she's on loan to her new parents. They have an open-adoption agreement but that doesn't entitle them to the stuff they are asking for. I think it's generous of the parents to send them pictures and emails about Carly, but I don't blame them for wanting to keep a little bit of distance. Catelynn believes it's her right as a mother to know Carly's last name, but I've got news for you hon: You're a mother, but you're not the mother. Sorry for the harsh reality, but just because you've given birth doesn't make you mature.

CHANNEL SURFING

• If Russell doesn't win "So You Think You Can Dance" (FOX, 8:00), you have the judges to thank for that. They've been hanging out in his butt all season, singing his praise. But America tends to hate that and always votes for the person least likely to win. *Looking at Kathryn significantly* I'm sure she'll win because the best dancer has never won the competition. Sorry Russell. Enjoy that second place trophy, but if you win, you owe me money for my phone bill. I voted multiple times ;-)
• I was all geared up to write about "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00), but the storyline was as old as Cain and Abel. A detention center gets kickbacks for every kid sent to juvie. Did I not beg for this story to be different? It's already been done on multiple shows this season. Originality people. That's what wins awards.
• "How the Earth Was Made" (History, 9:00): Finding out how the Sahara desert was made was about as dry as the desert itself. I'm so sorry for recommending it. Please see the cashier for your refund.
• "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" returns January 4 on ABC Family. Now that Amy has had the baby the action is really lame. I hope they come back with better stories.
• "The Colbert Report" (Comedy Central): Stephen Colbert is freakin' hilarious. Thanks for calling out Washington state for it's "holiday tree" and taking "Christ" out of Christmas. A wag of the finger to Gov. Gregoire. And his rap performance of "Empire State of Mind" alongside Alicia Keys earned him a heap of street cred! Mad props, yo! (or whatever it is they say in New York).
• "The Real World: DC" (MTV) premiers next Wednesday. Is this show still relevant to anyone born after 1990?

I was rushing home tonight because I thought Barbara Walters would be revealing her Top 10. I guess I should've read my own notes.

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00): It's finale night and I find it highly ironic that a weight loss show packs on so many extras to stretch drag this thing to two hours. First, second and last of all, Allison Sweeney is horrible at live-hosting. HORRIBLE! I find it painful to watch her at these finale shows. And let me just add my disclaimer now: If it sounds like I'm hating on these contestants, you are probably right. But don't pretend you weren't thinking the same thing. I say it so you don't have to.

So after 154 days and over 1,000 lbs. lost on the ranch, America votes Amanda into the final spot. Big mistake, America. I wasn't rooting for Liz, but you've already given Amanda her second chance. She was working on thirds. It is really inspiring to see how much weight these people drop, but sometimes when you transform your body, you also transform your face and that's not always a good thing. Abby, the woman who lost her husband and kids in a car accident, was barely recognizable. So was Danny. He looks like an older version of T.R. Knight (formerly Dr. George O'Malley from "Grey's Anatomy". Wild-Eyed Tracey is now Wild-Smile Tracey and favors a diabolical Molly Shannon. SCARY! But it was Rebecca, who remade her makeover into a bad Sandy Duncan. The whole season she whined that she was more than just a pretty face. Well now you're a pretty face with a bad haircut and color. Good thing Rebecca won that at-home prize money. She can spend her first $100 on a new hairstyle.

Shay would've looked better in a dress or skirt. Those pants didn't really do her weight loss any justice. Subway has pledged to follow her for the rest of her weight loss journey, and for every pound she loses between now and May 2010, they will pay her $1,000. Pause it: If I had somebody willing to pay me to lose weight then yes, I would probably get off my tail and run to the gym. But I don't so I will continue to eat my birthday cake until it's all gone.

Danny pulls off the upset, beating out Rudy and Amanda for the $250,000 prize. Here are the final standings by percentage of weight loss:

1. Danny: 55.58%
2. Rudy: 52.94%
3. Rebecca: 49.82%
4. Tracey: 47.2%
5. Julio: 44.23%
6. Antoine: 41.42%
7. Abby: 40.49%
8. Shay: 36.13%
9. Allen: 35.69%
10. Daniel: 35.58%
11. Sean: 34.91%
12. Amanda: 34.8% (I'm not absolutely sure since they didn't say it out loud.)
13. Liz: 34.28%
14. Dina: 31.23%
15. Alexandra: 29.45%
16. Coach Mo: 25.92%

New season of "Biggest Loser: Couples" begins Jan. 5. I like this show, but I liked it a lot more when it was coming on once a year. Commercial break: NBC is saying their new show "Sing-Off" is a cross between "American Idol" and "Glee", two shows that air on FOX. Whoever wrote that promo for NBC should be fired. This is the same network that disinvited the "Glee" cast from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because they felt it was giving them too much exposure.

CHANNEL SURFING

• "Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (Bravo, 10:00): Fab Tab finally met her match in Nikki, the owner of Brownes & Co. in Miami, Florida. European Nikki doesn't like how Americans need to be coddled and told how wonderful they are so she inflicts fear and negative feedback on them at every chance she gets. Her staff is so terrified of her, one stylist was afraid to admit she was a mother out of fear Nikki would turn on her. After Tabatha renovates the shop, Nikki rattles off a laundry list of things she doesn't like about the new salon: the paint, the waiting area, the floors. "Nikki is so insufferable that it makes me want to punch her," Tabatha says. Nobody would've blamed you, Tab. I don't typically use ugly words to describe people but I'll just say I'm glad I won't be seeing Nikki next Tuesday. (You know what I'm saying).
• "Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): I takes an awful lot of guts to come on TV and air your dirty laundry. (And I'm not talking about that fake stuff on "The Hills".) I'm talking about teen-aged girls who open themselves up to ridicule and judgement for getting pregnant in high school. MTV cranks out a lot of trash, but this is one show that parents should sit down and watch with their children. There's Amber, a girl who is so overwhelmed with anxiety that she's put on medication; Catelynn, who gave her daughter up for adoption but continues to have unprotected sex; young mom Maci who is supposedly engaged, but fails to set a wedding date; and then there's Farrah, Miss "I-Got-Pregnant-or-Whatever", wannabe model who seems to think life doesn't stop just because you're a teen mother. No Farrah, life doesn't stop, but yours should be coming up on a 'yield' sign at any minute now. Driving 2 hours to confront a boy about cheating on you (whom you've only been dating for 3 weeks) proves she has no clue about the importance of motherhood. Those are precious hours of her baby's life that she will never get back. This is one time I'll swallow that bitter pill and say, "Mother knows best." Put down the mirror, Farrah and pay attention.