Biggest loser ... and not in a good way

For some reason I was wasn't excited about the premiere of "The Biggest Loser". The thought of sitting through 2 hours of this show did not appeal to me at all so I taped it to fast forward through the embarrassment on the faces of the contestants who were made to get on a scale in front of their hometowns. For now, let's check in on ...

"Teen Mom" (MTV, 10:00): For the last few weeks I have been harping on Farrah and her lack of parenting skills ... and I'll be doing it again this week (consistency is key). But for now I need to shine the light on some other lame parents: Lyin' Ryan and Double Zero Gary.

Maci and Ryan, left, are still trying to work things out. They are smart enough to know that living together again is a terrible idea. Too bad for their parents they are splitting time between shacking up in both houses. When the young family goes to have their portrait made, Ryan refuses to smile for the picture. "We look like we hate each other," Maci whines. Pause it: You may not realize it now, sweetie but deep down, you do. I don't understand why these two continue to torture each other with this forced relationship. Ryan did all that begging to get Maci back but it's obvious he doesn't want to have anything to do with being a parent. And now that he's lost his job, it's Maci who's bringing home the bacon while he sits on his ass eating it. I can't even call him a stay-at-home dad because the first chance he gets he's out the door. He even left the house in the early morning hours to avoid tending to crying baby Bentley. Pause it: If I were Maci I would've followed him outside and given him a swift kick to his man berries. Maci's mom suggests they see a counselor and during the session they realize they both have to ask for the help and understanding they want. Blah, blah, blah lady! Put it on a greeting card. Ryan doesn't want help, he wants his freedom.

Gary, Amber's boyfriance, has entered the competition and is working overtime to claim the prize of biggest idiot and laziest father. Amber is living in a motel with their baby and in her quest to get herself away from Gary, she's also moving farther away from her G.E.D. as she misses her classes. He shows up to spend time with Leah, but he never takes her anywhere to give Amber a break. He scoops up the baby, kisses her then promptly returns her to her crib. To convince her to move back in, Gary arranges a candlelit dinner with food from her favorite restaurant - Cracker Barrel. Pause it: First he gives her a $20 Wal-Mart engagement ring, then he fills her up with meatloaf from a country kitchen! What? Were they out of chicken fried steak? Amber relents and moves back home, but only if Gary moves in with his mom. You're a smart one, girly! Make that loser work for it!

Which brings us to baby-making, boyfriend-searching, parent-disrespecting, rhymes with witch Farrah. Oh, to be able to reach through the TV screen!!!! If I could, I would strangle her between my two big toes - I swear I would! She's still going out every night, leaving baby Sophia in the care of her parents. They continue to preach that she can't live the same pre-pregnancy lifestyle, but how about changing the locks on her? How about making her take the baby with her on one of her many dates? Or better yet, how about popping that trollop in her lip the next time she flips off at the mouth? "I wish my parents would stop telling me to be a better mom and just let me be a normal teenager," she gripes. Well guess what honey: having a baby when you're in high school may be the norm, but it's not normal.

I was leading a one-woman hotness parade for Alexander, another oldie but goody Farrah met at a club. Pause it: Did anybody else get goosebumps when he called her out on her parenting skills? She definitely met her match with this guy, and I was so glad he didn't back down in questioning her about not spending time with Sophia. When Farrah asked Alexander if he wanted to meet up the next day, he gave her the ol' "I-have-to-pick-a-friend-up-from-the-airport" line. LOVED IT!! Farrah says she wants to meet a guy who will be cool with her having a kid. I venture to say that a real man would respect her more if she would exhibit some signs of being a responsible mother. An MTV poll shows that 97% of voters think Farrah is too focused on having a social life. If she's not careful, baby Sophia will be calling Farrah by her real first name: B!#*h.

T-Note: After a little bit of digging, I found out that Sophia's dad died in a car accident in December, 2008. Other blogs say that he wanted to be involved in the baby's life but MTV wanted to portray Farrah as 'the single mom'. Just Google the name 'Derek Underwood' and judge for yourselves.

It's been five months since Catelynn gave Carly up for adoption and it sounds like she's having second thoughts. At Tyler's suggestion, she calls her adoption agent who refers her to support group. I've been hard on them in previous blogs, but Catelynn and Tyler are the only couple who ever show love or respect toward each other. It's apparent that making such a hard decision at their young age only strengthened their relationship. And I swear, if they make me cry one more time, I'm going to gouge my eyeball out with a dull spoon.

CHANNEL SURFING

• Maybe it's because I'm blogging while my stomach sits on my lap or maybe it's the way they kick people off before they even lose a pound, but "The Biggest Loser" (NBC, 8:00) is becoming more annoying than inspiring. First of all, can we please cut the show down to one hour. You could lose the 15 minutes of product placements, the 25 minutes of watching people sweat and vomit and that's already 40 minutes trimmed off. I mean, this is a weight loss show right? Second of all, Allison is an annoying host. I'm lumping her in with Chris Harrison from "The Bachelor". All they do is repeat the same thing over and over again ... in the most dramatic rose ceremony/weigh in yet.
• "The Good Wife" (CBS, 10:00) is back and I'm starting to see glimpses of "Boston Legal" in the writing, especially when they bring in the raging liberal judge. Same schtick, different political preference.
• "The Cosby Show" (NIK, 4:30 am) will forever and always be my all-time favorite TV show. It's hard to believe Theo was my childhood crush.