Hoarders - Season Finale

Well, tonight there's good news and there's bad news. The good news: For once, we meet a hoarder who doesn't have a cluttered house. The bad news is his clutter sits on 2 acres of his front yard. Paul from Alabama has been cited for criminal littering after his neighbors reported his unsightly yard. He faces 90 days in jail and a $250 fine. After seeing his yard, I'd take the jail time.

Paul doesn't want to get rid of any junk because he thinks he can retire on the money made from the scrap metal. Pause it: If I truly believed collecting scrap metal would be enough to supplement my 401K, I'd be picking up every soda can, stripped car and copper stick from Lynnwood to Little Rock. But I can't see how a $3 bucket of cans is going to get me any closer to that retirement home in Cancun, especially at 1/2 cent a pound.

Paul was hoping to get $30,000-$40,000 for his treasured trash - 100 lawnmowers, 50 refrigerators, 60-70 cars and a school bus. In the end, all he got was 3 grand and a 5-month extension to avoid county jail. I know he wanted the money to pay for his grandkids' college education, but why not do it the old fashioned American way: put it on a credit card.

Rewind the tape: Who thinks those scrap companies were taking advantage of Paul's situation? I mean really! Less than a penny a pound? Maybe they are weighing it on the moon. And did you notice he couldn't even storm off in dramatic fashion for tripping over a tire? Paul used the words "fixin to"! FINALLY! Someone who speaks my language! (I'm waving at you Arkansas!)

All I can say for Alabama Paul is at least he hoards outdoors ... unlike Missy and Alex, two emotional hoarders from Atlanta.

I was really disappointed in their story because A&E had touted the season finale as this dramatic tale of a 7-year-old hoarder. Turns out, it was just a case of bad parenting as his mom's bad habit had rubbed off on him. While it was still compelling to watch, I kept waiting for some sort of build up that never came.

Pause it: You know how some people have a fear of clowns? Well I have a fear of stuffed animals, especially when there's enough of them to form a Ringling Brothers Stuffed Animal Circus. (I'm glaring at you, mother).

Poor Alex. Not only is he a hoarder, but he also suffers from dyslexia and ADD. At least Missy had enough sense to have them eat off paper plates. Did you see that pile of dog feces from a pet they no longer had? Rewind the tape: Shirley the cat hoarder can show you how to get rid of the stain.

It was a great, if not gross, season and I'm so glad I got attached to this show. But be assured: there won't be a pile of taped episodes preventing me from getting to my bedroom. I know when to de-clutter.